Long December in 2017

I feel like I try to be honest with myself and others. Especially in the ‘blog world’....its a bit more candid than real life encounters. If I gathered a guess, much of my bloggings this year are a painting of a mother’s grief - up and down. Maybe more down than up. There are totally some positives that grew out of a horrible situation(s)…I had a dream labor. We donated a cot to help other grieving families.

The downs though?

Im not this picture of strength some claim I am. I take hits of cannabis throughout my day - nearly every day that I am at home (versus out and about). I shower every 4th day or so and most days Im in my pajamas all day. Sometimes I dont even brush my hair until its dark. I should absolutely be playing with my children more than I am. I find myself thankful that they are playing more with each other - because it gives me a break.

Increasingly I am spending more and more time distracting myself. Online window shopping. Games like soda crush. Facebook.

Then there is the ‘me’ that is bringing her kids to holiday festivities all month long. The gal that volunteers regularly in her daughter’s class. I need to be more like her. I do embrace those times when it happens, although just for a moment. I guess I just wish that I had more of a desire to try to be content. And functional. And present.