OkCupid in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I just created a new OkCupid account last night when I was drinking.
So today I was like, “Let’s keep this shit going!”
So after I got off work I just got a bunch of booze and I hopped back on OKCupid and I’m just looking through all of these profiles and sending messages to anyone that I even want to.
YOU GET A MESSAGE!
YOU GET A MESSAGE!
LOOK UNDER YOUR FUCKING CHAIRS! YOU ALL GET A MESSAGE!

I found a girl who lives about an hour away from me, she’s 29 and she lives with her parents and she has a chronic disease and I’m like, “SHE’S PERFECT FOR ME!”

Long distance so I don’t need to actually deal with her
I don’t need to feel bad about living with my parents
I don’t need to feel bad about being bi-polar
and she loves cats and smoking weed

I’m pretty much in love, like…I think this is the real deal, I already called my mom and everything.

I mean, this girl hasn’t messaged me back or anything…and she probably won’t.
But I can tell she’s the one.
We’re going to have kittens and…just…well....it’s fucking magick.

“Magic” by The Werks, just started playing on my super dope playlist called “The jam”.

It’s a sign.
Holy shit.
This must be what real love feels like.

I’m seeing our wedding right now…and then our Honeymoon, where we spend most of the time fighting…and then I accidentally get her pregnant, and neither of us really wanted it, but at the same time we both think that it could possibly save the marriage, so we end up having the kid…and it ACTUALLY WORKS! Holy shit! The marriage is saved!

,,,for a little while

Suddenly, our kid gets into the terrible two’s and it becomes a lot to handle…“a lot” is an understatement, actually, neither of us are sleeping at night because our child has constant nightmares and always wants to sleep with us, but he kicks when he has his nightmares, and his behavior when he’s awake has become so out of hand that neither of us know how to discipline him because we don’t believe in spanking…until one day when I actually spank him because I’ve just had enough talk.

That’s when it’s time for the second kid.

So we have the second kid, and it distracts us for a moment, but suddenly the problems we had are just compounded, now we have this terrible three year old who’s completely warped from the one time that I spanked him, so now he will never trust a full grown adult male for the rest of his life, making him question his sexuality and his role as an adult, and on top of that there’s this new baby who has Colic so she just cries all the time non stop, over and over and over again to the point where you can’t even hire a babysitter.

So now we are trapped with these two kids and there seems to be no other way out than for my wife to slowly poison me by putting me on a special diet, because I’ve been losing so much hair and gaining so much weight from the stress, but this “special diet” really just consists of her cooking everything she makes for me with a teaspoon of Drain-O, so that it slowly compounds in my system and I die a mysterious death that stumps every medical professional we go to see, and then she collects on my life insurance policy and goes and marries my best friend.

The end.

Holy shit.

I’m so excited.

I’ve been waiting for love for such a long time.

I’m too excited to write anymore, but know that I love you just as much as I love my new wife.
Okay.
Thanks again for listening.

love you.

-Dane