April in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done
- Feb. 1, 2014, 9:51 p.m.
- |
- Public
'1st
I've become a flower cocktail as of late. roses, orchids, lilacs and lilies. Roses, white, for humility, loyalty and worth. Orchids, lust and elegance. Lilacs, spring. And lilies, the death flower.'
'..........began to pray - 'California Dreamin'.
So. Heather's uncle is having surgery today. Knee surgery. yeah i know wow. Apparently they're amputating it. I don't know why but I know he has diabetes. so maybe that has something to do with it.
Again we [well. I] need your prayers. Again. Please keep her in your thoughts. or. whatever it is each of you individually do in times like this.
I care about her a lot. well, i care about all my friends. And I've come to discover you don't have to know someone to help them.
"A burden is less heavy when carried by 2"/Lean On Me, Bill Withers
Thank you'
'....../new discoveries.
Now I wouldn't consider myself a particularly religious person. When I was little, yeah. I wasn't raised religious our parents pretty much let us decide. Kate's, an atheist far as I know. Mom believes in God. Her parents are religious. they met at their church. Dad's mom's Lutheran and........I'm not sure what his dad was though I know for a period of time he went to church, Unitarian Universal.ist.
Religion's not my thing. I'm more spiritual. and I'm fine with that.
Ok now on to my point..........but lately........I've felt pulled down like I "should" pray. Which I haven't in awhile since, as said. and I've not made a habit of it. I used to.......last........year, was it?
well this is new'
'So on the note of religion. A question for those of you who are religious. Were you brought up that way or did it just happen? What religion?
I want to know your stories'
'I feel, again, helpless. well i did, rather. Because of this whole......thing with Heather.
I hate that I can't do more for her. and I'd feel the same way with anyone. Sometimes all people ask is something small. Like [this is more for women] "hey do you have a quarter? I need tampons" [sometimes they have tampon vending machines in movie theater women's restroom] or "hey I need to call my friend can I use your phone?". And that's all you can do.
And apparently, not everyone's as emotional as I am. In the words of Idina, i feel everything. And I do. My sister's one of those people. Things just don't effect her that way. which is so weird for me.
But I want to do more for the world. Because I love it. I love humanity; it's people I can't stand. or. I hate people as a group but like them individually. no, not even individually. I have huge issues with personal space, more than most.
I love the earth the physical earth but god do people unnerve me.
No because I'm the rescuer. even if I'm going through my own hell I will always put you first. always. It's not about being selfish. no........well maybe a little. which I'll explain in my next entry.
I protect people. or at least I want to. I don't like it when people get hurt. or are hurt. esp. my friends. and especially especially my sister.
But we don't live in a safe world. the world's dark and unsafe and you can't trust anyone. And don't you dare tell me I see the worst in people. No. which is why.......this entry doesn't allow for notes.'
'2nd
and it never will.
So my mom and I saw that movie Music Never Stopped today.and omygod. you have got. to see. this movie. It was beautiful moving sad charming. It reminded me of August Rush which I also loved. Music is extraordinary.
There's a Dead song [haha, a 'dead song'. oh dear] called Truckin. It reminded me of *Travis's words to me. Maybe he wasn't thinkin of the song when he said those but I'm not wrong for making the connection.
I remember the first time I heard 'Hallelujah'....can't tell ya the date but I can pinpoint the exact moment. For my mom, it's 'Sweet Dreams'. that's a great song. if you're as passionate about music as I, then, again. you have got........ya ok.
I hope if ever [and hope to god i won't be] I'm in **that situation people remember my favorite songs. Stairway To Heaven's one, Hallelujah's another.....At Last, Georgia On My Mind.
I would love to study music. and who says I have to wait? just bc i'm not in school doesn't mean i'm not still learning.
You may not know the language of the music to understand the emotion because music is a language. er. rather. you don't have to know the language in order to understand its emotion. Seriously. it is my drug. It absolutely will save you. You have got to believe in something. And I believe in music. it's my frekin religion. I totally get it now.
ok......music's incredible in that - and speaking from experience - it's uninhibitive. inhibitive? ya like that's a word......lol. See I'm really shy. yes that's right. i'm shy. and when i've been at festivals and there's music yeah. it's a. barrier breaker. the people start dancin including me and then maybe talkin a bit......it's connective.
*Travis is a friend of mine from boarding school. On FB. Within the last couple of weeks he told me 'yeah.....just keep on truckin'
**the guy in the movie had a brain tumour'
'5th
Yes please heed the TW.
Well. That is. She never hit me. She did other stuff though. said. stuff.
She hit Kate though.
Now. This is something I never ever talk about. I've only talked about in therapy once. Because the more I talk about it the more I remember my mom as she was, back in high school. er. when I was in high school. And I've already decided I'm not going to do that.
Also. I've had enough of therapy.
She hit Kate one June day........my dad was downstairs watching tv doing nothing as usual. So I was the one who had to go upstairs and fight my mom. I don't fight , like, ever. And I'm not very good at it. But if you hurt my sister......
that wasn't something I should have ever had to do. Be the parent in that situation. But no one else was going to. I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice because that was how my mom made it that day.
Now physically, I'm smaller than most. I'm 5'4 and petite and never gain/lose more than 3 lbs at a time. ya. i know. And even if I was eating right [as in, both eating more and eating healthy] I'd still be this size. give or take 3 lbs. It's just how it is. My mom is prolly........um, in the 140s. i'm not too sure. And I don't disccus people's weight. So that's, about 30 more than I. [i'm in the lower half of the triple digits].
I'm just built smaller. which is probably why something like mashed potatos and broccoli, or French toast and fruit, are 2 meals individually for me rather than 1. well. fruit's not really a neal. I physically cannot eat that much. [which. also explains why i'm still a bit hungry after I eat the toast]. er. 4 meals, rather.
My dad never gets angry. like, ever. and when he does you know to shut it bc you sure as hell don't want to find out what happens if you don't.
I don't get angry often. and when I do I don't really...express it. I'm not an outspoken person. I don't express much. it also depends who you are. It's not even that I'm trying to be nice it's about trust. but more on that later. And then after I get angry I get drained.
And this literally just occured to me today: yeah. that's pretty damn terifying. that I fought my mom. a little.
And it's like, it doesn't deserve to be talked about. Because other people have it so much worse. Because I came to school in 1 piece. so it goes unsaid.
no one ever verfiies your feelings at my age.........oh but they validate children. I love children, really. it's just........well you know.'
'11th
........a question.
I like to think it does. Well. It's not even that I like to think that it's more direct than that. It's that I do think that. That things happen for a reason.
That even senseless things have a reason. And. in writing characters need a reason to do things.
Or does it?
I was thinking about this the other day.
And a question: how do I post videos in my entries? '
'So idinno if yall remember, but awhile ago I said it's not about being selfish. 'it' being .......um.......[i an barely remember] putting the world first.
And. it's really not about being selfish like you'd think.
It's about trust. We all know I have trust issues. It's about not trusting the world to take care of itself when I can't. You can tell me time and time again it will. But I won't believe you.
No I'm not saying that to be rude. I'm being honest.
And if I give up that trust then I give up control. And that scares me. I don't know what my life would be without control.'
'12th
So I just messaged Taylor. I know hello blast from the past. Taylor's Michael's cousin. he didn't reply and to be honest I really didn't expect him too. I told him I kknow we don't talk, ever and we don't ever have to. But if I ever hurt him or made him jealous or offended him or. anything else, then I'm sorry. and thank you and the best of luck.
That's all I could do, really. can't hound him [well ok I can] ..........I don't really expect him to ever talk to me. Which is sad, yeah. But I mean.......last year, Michael pretty much cut all ties between us, so. sure you can hope and that's nice but it's not. it's not real. ya know?
I've ended things on a good note between us. They ended way before this happened.'
'13th
As you may or may not know it's Autism Awareness Month, the color for which is blue. My dad has Asperger's which is similar to autism. There are varying degrees of it. I think he's high functioning. er. I mean, his degree of Asperger's is. Named for Hans Asperger. German.
They were discussing this on The Talk talk show. *it's a new show. You hear so often about parents who have children with autism/Asperger's but very rarely about 'children' with parents. who have either. It's a fairly new diagnosis. I don't know everything about it but I'll tell you my experience with my dad having it. And if you've questions please ask. [how else do you find out?].
I don't remember an exact moment when I realised my dad was different. He was always the quietest person I know still is. While Mom was off conversing with people getting to know them he was off looking outside or at some painting. He likes art even majored in it in college [he went to Colorado College up in the Springs where he met Mom, if anyone's interested]. In fact, we're related to an architect by the name of Morrison. you know like the A.A. Milne [for those of you who've read/know 'When We Were Very Young]. 'James James Morrison Morrison........'. I don't remember the poem's title. My dad's smart and can go on and on about how things work or the phases of the moon. He's not so good w/ emotions. This is common with those who have autism/Aperger's.
He likes music, jazz. [on that note, check out Nelson Rangell's stuff. He is supremely talented]. His [my dad, that is] vocabulary is limited. I say something's 'incredible' and he'll say it's 'great'. It's not as expansive as mine. He doesn't socially interact that well though he likes people.
I always knew my dad was different but up untill college I didn't know there was a name for it. His dad [my grandfather] probably also had Asperger's. He was quiet didn't expect much from anyone. [there's an upcoming entry on my grandfather's passing]. didn't say much. I remember my mom once telling me he only talked about 2 things, trains and his other son [my uncle] Ty. which I thought was rude.
My dad said his dad was distant.
He's shy, polite. the kindof guy who opens the door for women would give up his seat on the bus. he's good at fixing things. well. physical things. not relationships. not that either of us put in much effort. But that's our peragotive. I've come to discover, that if I ask him to show me how to fix something then I don't feel incompetent. as opposed to him doing it for me.
He's a nice guy, actually. I just can't stand him.
And I wonder, if he didn't have Asperger's, if he'd still be this way. No no pleast don't mistake this for a sad regretful wondering because it isn't. It's more of a 'what would you do if you had a million dollars?' kindof wondering. And don't answer that as it's an example.
Oh and he's a big believer in reading.
*The Talk has Leah Remini [King Of Queens], Sara Gilbert [Roseanne], Jule Chen [Big Brother], Sharon Osbourne and Holly Robinson Peete as hosts.'
'14th
i wish there was a phone, with one phone number.
and you could dial God for a dime.
i love you janis ian
[this is a reference to her song 'in the winter'] '
'when has that song not been on a recent playlist of mine?
yeah really.
I don't like being weak. I don't like needing people. prostitues are weak. [no offence meant].
I don't like feeling like I need to be rescued. this. desperate.'
'yall remember the entries I posted on Heather's uncle?
I have some sad news. Her uncle passed away this [Thursday] morning.
I literally just found out.
I'm......
[and no i didn't know him but I do care a lot about her, so]. '
'*"shouldn't" trigger but, you know. just to be safe.
he didn't assault me because i was beautiful. he did it despite that.
[i] realised this after coming across it on a message board i belong to'
'15th
Mom and I are going to the garden Monday morning.
And.
I'm getting a new computer. Actually it's already arrived at my parents' place. It's either a Dell or Toshiba, laptop, lots of memory. [well. obviously since nothing's in it yet]. I've had so many problems w/ this one [it freezes, runs slow] that my parents were like yeah ok it's time for a new one. After awhile of it running slowly you know that it'll eventually get to the point where. it won't run any more.
I've all my music on CDs either self-made mixes or. ones I've bought so that's not a problem. And I still have my memory cards from my photos, so. I've already saved half my stuff on CDs. [when i tried to use a flash drive it wouldn't let me]. And then deleted that stuff.
But, I recently learned that when your computer deletes stuff it doesn't actually delete the stuff. You can search for it but it'll be in a different format.
Apparently acording to my dad we'll be taking my current computer to a place [read: store] where they'll save the stuff. which I didn't know which is why I'd saved it. and that's a good idea to do every few months anyway.
idinno. it's weird. it's like i'm moving or something. which i'm not.'
'So yesterday while on the mall shuttle [so called because it goes down 16th St mall] a guy got on. He couldn't have been more than 30, tall, big. He seemed genuine, hardworking, lower class. I was wary of him. [btw i'm very perceptive].
So he started talking to this other guy.........I discovered that the guy mentioned above had tried to ge tinto rehab but they won't take anyone. according to him. Now I've never been to rehab but I know what it's like to be that.....lost.
Right before we all got off the bus at the civic center I told him good luck and he thanked me.
This experience reminded me of a few summers ago when I heard that guy and his counsellor talking. and about the entry posted about that experience.
I was downtown to see Sucker Punch [which'll be in the next entry].'
'no this isn't the Sucker Punch entry. obviously.
Like I said, TMI. also kindof gross. You have been warned.
So today I woke up sick. and I'm pretty sure it was because of my period. and I'm never sick bc of my period. How ironic; the thing that means women are healthy [well. one of them] is the very thing some of us get sick from. My body temp was bipolar I had cramps [took Midol when I woke up though] and about every 20 minutes I kept having to go into the bathroom to. um. be sick [sorry that's the most discreet way I could think to put it]. And as much as most people hate actually being sick it's also really good for you. It means your body's trying to rid itself of whatever's making you sick. I learned this from tv.
So I wondered........what color stomach acid is and what it does. I now know it's orange. And I'll look the rest up.
Here's my unanswered question: when we, um, lose it does your body make more of it? It should right? since your body heals itself according to my sister.
After I got sick I felt better [which spaced itself out more than 20 mins] i felt much better. I also rested for 2 hours.
yeah just news.
*stomach acid digests proteins, apparently'
'So yesterday, was cloudy. that's how it started. and raining.
My mom and I were going to go to the garden but didn't because of the weather. We went to her parents, as usual. Her dad wasn't there. Her mom was quieter, less talkative. After awhile the nurse came in so we left.
We stopped by the bank for quarters then the post office where I mailed a package to my sister. The package has 2 mixes and 2 drawings in it. and a note. Kate emailed me telling me she wanted CDs w/ female vocalists and love songs on them, so. The package should be there by Monday.
then Mom and I went to the store where we got meat, brocolli [for her], burritos, French toast, chai, chamomile tea and *frozen cookies, peanut butter. and seed packets.
We went back to my place where we had a talk. which i'm not ready to go into. she went home.
I went downtown to see Sucker Punch. the weather got better.
*by 'frozen cookies' i mean frozen cookie dough'
'so Sucker Punch was awesome. empowering. very triggering. If you plan to see it just know there's an assault scene. er. a scene where one of the girls is almost assaulted. People like the guy in the movie [the one who ran the asylum] absolutely disgust me. they want women for the sole purpose of fuking them. I've run into guys like that before. Unfortunately.
So much happened in the movie. the lighting was weird. '30's. it reminded me of Changeling because of this. that was an interesting movie also, triggering. Also, Girl, Interrupted as it takes place in an asylum.
oh and I learned about lobotomies. well I knew they were brain surgeries. Now correct me if I'm wrong here please but back in the day people w/ mental disorders had lobotomies performed on them in order to "cure them". sounds damn awful. they were......the tradeoff is you either died or "lived" as a vegetable. yeah. oh and there are 2 kinds.
The music was good. A cover of Eurythmics' 'Sweet Dreams' and 'White Rabbit'. I used to listen to that song while I got high. and only. when I got high. and a mashup of Armageddon's 'I Want It Now' and Queen's 'We Will Rock You'. '
'..........rush.
Now I'm not a pyro. just not my thing. Fire terrifies me, actually. big fires. it would though having grown up in CO. can't control 'em. The only thing I've ever smoked is hookah. I'm one of the few people I know of who doesn't mind the smell of smoke.
But there's something very powerful about being pissed off. And about having fire destroy everything [after seeing Sucker Punch........I......discovered this]. the good and the bad.
It's like the suicide of the earth
no I love the earth the actual physical earth. what a harsh way to describe something so beautiful and lovely.
my new tagline is give me a zippo and i'll torch the place. it's also the title of my next story. and. a metaphor. there's so much power and anger in that one statement. and loss of control. and power.
something i never do. lose control.
i'd see that movie again just cause it was so freakin awesome. and def. reccomend it.'
'16th
Hey yall,
So I'm not often as clear as I'd like to be. I'm referring to the Sucker Punch entry. What I meant was ........people who control others sexually and unconsensually disgust me.
sorry.'
'So. I wonder if I subconciously seek out guys who are emotionally unavailable. or. ones who fuk me and then leave.
Now this isn't exactly new.
But..........my grandfather basically left me by dying. not that I really knew him well. and then my dad had to help his stepmom and now his mom [i'm still not ready to confront that but god it's killing me inside] and so he left.
So I have to wait till he's available to email him about oh, my computer or my door or somehting. And I try to be patient and understanding. which I am.
not that my dad and i ever talkk. but I like it when he's not so busy.
Apparently, my stepgrandother's basement flooded last year and some drawings by Morrison [the architect we're related to] were just. ruined. my dad took it hard. which was a surprise to me since people w/ Asperger's aren't really emotional.
I try so damn hard. when the hell does it get to be my turn??
we don't talk. and we won't talk. So don't tell me to talk to him. that's not what this entry's about.
I'm getting really tired of all this damn waiting.
I put everything else on hold so everyone else can have what they need. but this isn't about the world. it's about family.
i realise i got myself into this. but i don't wanna hear it.
so i wonder..........if [the reason] I had sex to get myself back. and then the guy left me bc that's all i subconsciously know.'
'So I nearly blew up at a friend the other night. Heather wasn't being helpful........so before I told her to eff off I told her I had to go.
I realise, this isn't helping my isolation any. which has done a number on me.
but i'm doing this to protect her'
'21st
I'm comin down. actually. i've been coming down for the last hour. and dear god do i feel like hell. wicked headache and....feel like i've been hit by a truck. oh jeez. 'course it prolly doesn't help that i've been thinking about that.
oh, by 'coming down' i mean off a high. yes........i've been doing that again. 'that' being nutmeg.
Some of you know I get high but that's all you know. And that's how I prefer it. Now if you're someone I consider a friend [James, Steph, Antonio] and you're curious about the details of aforementioned nutmeg then please just shoot me an email w/ the details.
But that's not something I want to discuss publically at this time. [how frekin formal].
It's a recreational thing. It's new [er. sortof] and you should be aware but please don't worry.
So, aside from that I've been arting. [there will be a repeat entry on this which will allow for notes]. I was watching this thing on Independent Lens [a PBS show] on this black French artist, Jean-Michael Basquiet. in the city in the '70's. graffitti artist. well. i watched half of it. So while watching that I got all inspired to art. And so I made toothpick art........I drew a uh. flower stem w/ toothpicks coming out of it at various points and then a bird w/ toothpick legs. They're my first mixed media pieces. I've actually wanted to make toothpick art for awhile now, few years. It's like a cutting extension. er. an extension of my cutting. cuz in art form the toothpicks aren't there to hurt but they have that potential. it's more challenging working w/ them bc of their legnth and you can only make square/rectangle art.
I also..................made a word collage of song titles [Sweet Dreams, White Rabbit, Under Pressure, In The Winter, etc] on it. and I made some of the letters big so I could fit the vocalists into the words therefore giving credit. I want to do one of words that describe my life as of late. and then form poetry from the song lyrics of different songs. Again, giving credit. of course. it's gonna be great.
Um. Oh and I'm
Um. Oh and I'm in the midst of writing a new story about a girl-on-girl relationship. I started it last weekend. It was basically what I did over the weekend......minus the relationship part. I'm not even through the first chapter. I actually hadn't intended for it to be more than one chapter. but sometimes writing takes unexpected turns. as does life. It's been awhile since I've written and I really want to get back to it. because I love this story. yes it needs to be edited, you know, add description here and there. I don't have an end to it though I rarely do. Once I've done the first chapter I'll post it here.
I always need to add description. I'm good w/ dialog. Interestingly, according to my high school drama teacher, I'm [well. was] also good w/ lines [as I was in drama class back then]. so I'm wondering if there's some correlation.
So yeah you could say I've been busy.
Um.
So, on to the title of this entry: cherry bomb. as in, I am one. no not in that sense. [the sexual sense]. In that, I'm snall and cute and sweet but also once I sing..........oh god I killed Aguilera's 'Beautiful'. pretty sure I could do the same w/ Bon Jovi's 'Living On A Prayer'. oh and 'Don't Rain On My Parade' [Streissand]. it's sortof.........don't be fooled by the innocence.
yeah. it's pretty amazing when you're my size [5'4 and on the lower side of the triple digits. and petite] and you can do big B'way/powerhouse numbers like that. and others. like wow.
I've been in this '70's/'80's state of mind/kick [just like I was last year........] lately. ok so Cherie Currie was amazing. her voice is fantastic. I like Joan Jett too. she's - was - so raw and edgy and uncensored and........she's 52 and she still looks damn good. i hope i look that good when i'm 52. great arms. i have never said that about a woman. If you've ever seen The Runaways she's all pissed ['hell ya we're pissed off and we're gonna do something about it. we're gonna form an all girl rock band. thank you 1960's for pioneering that one! oh. 'that one' being that women could actually do something if something else was unfair] but she's sweet. i love how protective she is of Cherie. Lita [no offence] from my observations/IMO, was kindof a bitch. like wow ok apparently we all can't get along. [i'm referring to her dislike of Cherie].
But now I know more about the band. Before it was yeah ok I like them but that's it. didn't know much about them.
Here's why else Cherie's amazing: in the scene where she cuts her hair.........apparently she did it bc she was assaulted. dude. just like me. And I'm gathering though can't say for sure, that since Bowie was so powerful and awesome and fregin hot back in the day. hell-oh. - that she wanted that back. her power, i mean.
oh god Bowie........he totally gets it. Lady Stardust is my song. it is me. cuz the guy in the song's so different. hell yeah you rock it lady stardust! 'you make the rockin world go round'. in the words of Queen.
If music can have gods then Bowie's one. as is Freddie Mercury. in the music vid 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' he is gorgeous. and that's not something i say often. cute song too.
yeah so I've been listening to Joan Jett, Bowie, Hendrix, a little bit of Emile Autumn, Queen um..........Airplane [Jefferson Airplane], 2 Dead songs.......yeah. lol.
I've completely changed. Every night for the past........freakin 3 or so, I get glammed up and then high [by myself] and listen to said music. I'm not worried and nor should you be. well. i'm not cutting. i'm not..........or [doing] worse. it's totally cool. I bought face/body paint at Hobby Lobby yesterday. for $4. oh yeah!
i'm a frekin hippie'
'So next Friday, my late grandfather's being honored. him and a bunch of other people. who donated their bodies to science for medical stidents to learn from. At a ceremony. At the University of CO? i. think. and there'll be dancing according to my dad.
and I'm going w/ my parents.
yeah. it's pretty cool.'
'22nd
So next Friday, my late grandfather's being honored. him and a bunch of other people. who donated their bodies to science for medical stidents to learn from. At a ceremony. At the University of CO? i. think. and there'll be dancing according to my dad.
and I'm going w/ my parents.
yeah. it's pretty cool.'
'So I went and saw Soul Surfer today. It could've been better. I felt it was too happy. what w/ her [Bethany Hamilton, on whom the movie's based] being Christian and all. Please don't misinterpret that as 'oh she's bashing Christianity'. because I'm not. I just relate to sadder/darker movies/shows better......RENT, Spring Awakening, Phantom, Next To Normal. Enchanted was darling and I love Funny Girl but I don't relate to them that well because that's not how my life is. is all.
If you're Christian or another religion then fine. y'know. it just is.
However, that aspect I wasn't expecting. It was interesting. I'm definately interested in other religions and learning in general, because I love it. I've never been to a church service but I wouldn't object to attending one. never had the opportunity and I wasn't raised religious, so. I agree w/ the basic concepts of religion, you know, compassion and humility and all that. And, as said before, I think you have go to believe in something. whatever it is.
Helen Hunt was in the movie she was very good. I like her. The mom reminded me of my mom......in that we have discussions on things rather than arguing. The last Helen Hunt movie I saw was that one she was in w/ Bette Midler......Then She Was Here? no......oh, Then She Found Me. i saw that w/ my mom, found it boring.
I think when she - Bethany - was attacked by the shark thank god she did go into shock.......otherwise she would've felt more pain. ya know? maybe it's better she was out of it in that situation. It's clearly terrifying but it also saved her. The movie was toned down as was the music which I liked. It was different though becuase I've been listening to rock lately and the soundtrack to the movie is mellow. so that's a change.
I've never been attacked by a shark [well, no i wouldn't think so being that i live in CO where we don't have anything larger than a lake. I mean we aren't exactly known for our large bodies of water w/ aquatic life in it. also i'm not a terribly good swimmer, embarassingly enough. and I don't spend a lot of time doing so.....] but I learned what to do if you are. I hope I won't ever be but it's good to have that knowledge. When I see people w/ missing limbs it kindof freaks me out a bit. I mean I'm not mean to them [nor am i to anyone] it's just a shock. I'm curious and I want to ask but I don't them well enough to ask and because of this I don't know how open they'd be. Whereas if it's a friend then I can go 'hey so how'd this happen?'. [no advice please].
Um.
I related to her bc although I haven't lost any limbs I've lost things. er. emotional things [i.e., being assaulted] so I know how difficult it is to recover from that. I think we all have journeys like that. and we all [have to] adapt once things change.
I loved the beginnning of the movie because of how much I love water. as does Kate. we've both been so freakin lucky that the big things that have happened to us [for me, the assault. for her, her coke addiction] haven't been worse. just. omygod. She's amazing. I remeber.....on one of our trips to Mexico we were on the beach. and she was just. this water goddess. the water belonged to her but not in a possessive way. she was beautiful.
Bethany seems like a nice person though. When she was teaching that Thai kid to surf it reminded me of all the times I've helped random people. Again. You don't have to know someone to help them.
Surfing seems like a cool thing. Adventurous and also dangerous neither of which I am. it'd also have me.......out of comfort zone w/o all the barriers of um. clothes and buildings. just you and the water. Surfers seem spiritual. Jack Johnson [the singer/guitarist] i think surfs.
So I wouldn't recommend the movie. i also wouldn't not recommend it.'
'I've never been mainstream. Esp. in school. I learned differently than most.........have trouble w/ social cues, process differently, need more clarification than most. that's as comfortable as I'm putting.
So when I was little the other students didn't like this........that's something I've only recently started doing a bit of work on. And that's a part of this whole 'glitter queen' persona. I wear scarves every time I go out. well no not all of them at once. I always carry an umbrella regardless of whether or not it's raining. I've been doing that for the last few years. and it's a way to find me. I have this big colorful purse my sister gave me for my 19th birthday. I dance like a hippy erm. 'stripper'......not in a bad way I just know what my assets are and use them to my advantage when I dance. I'm very spiritual. I like colors, a lot.
and I listen to weird music.......Bowie, Emilie Autumn, Lady Gaga. as well as nonweird music.
Physically, other than my issues w/ personal space, you can't tell I'm off.
I've recently started wearing eye shadow during the day. Now I don't ever wear makeup [not that I need to]. it looks weird on me. eye shadow is subtle enough that it's not ridiclously bright and over-the-top but you notice something's different. and i love my eyes. no one's said anything about it. but it's empowering. because..............? um. there's a reason...........i can be weird and people don't care.
Bowie was amazing. he was so over-the-top and bright and like..........whoa some spaceman. ethereal. literally out of this world. Lady Stardust, Moonage Daydream, Five Years.......when my mom discovered him back in the day she was like 'whoa who is this guy?'. he's so awesome. I like him because my sister does because Mom does. he wore platforms. with palm trees on them! like little islands.
Emilie Autumn I discovered last year. dark Celtic beautiful music. underground. not all that mainstream. bipolar, so I relate to her [as i have depression].
and Lady Gaga's whole thing is about well. being different. it doesn't matter..................[i've forgotten my point]. she is a fashion genuis. she's really out there.
I also like Adam Lambert. he seems like a supernice guy.
and Frida, the artist. [the Mexican chick w/ one eyebrow]. her art's dark and morbid and that's why i like it. it doesn't try and be pretty and lovely and flowery and optimistic and crap. no. Her art is not happy. well she wasn't and that's..........that's what she knew. she put it out there and she didn't care. ya know? nor did Bowie or Lady Gaga or the aforementioned other 2.
oh! there's this English painter named Alison Lapper who I only know about because the last time I was in London [high school, senior year] there was a statue of her in Trafalgar Square which has since been taken down. she was born without arms. oh she's extraordinary. she paints w/ her mouth. i mean, wow.
i.......guess that was really it.
With icons like that it sortof paved the way for people who are different.'
'24th
Now I'm not a gadgets person, at all. But I got the Kindle. Or, rather. I got the Kindle for PC. I love to read always have. You know how some people grew up around music or sports or whatever? Well I grew up around books. When I was little every other Friday my mom and I'd go down to the Tattered Cover on 1st in Cherry Creek [a suburb of Denver, CO. where I grew up]. that was our thing. It closed down the summer I left for college.
There's another one up on Colfax but......it's not the same. For one, I'm never there. Nor am I ever in Cherry Creek. i don't like it. it's pretty but.......stuff happened there and that. that's why I don't like it.
My favorite story [not book as in actual physical book: story] is Alice In Wonderland. that's a reason for my blog title. And I love that word. wonderland.
Anyway.
Whenever I'm at the B&N downtown I always stop in the children's section. It's so safe there. like nothing could ever hurt you. Everyone needs somewhere like that. I love bookstores.
A few summers ago, when I started recovery I'd go to that bookstore seemingly every day to the children's section and sit there and write recovery poetry. I've never shared that poetry with anyone and I don't know that I ever will. It's incredibly personal.
In the summers growing up in Cherry Creek I'd read. I read Lily's Crossing......and then as I got older I'd go to the library and read Virgin Suicides. When I was at the B&N I read Tupac's Rose That Grows From Concrete, part of Loose [about promiscuity] and part of Neon Angel. and some others.
I really like the Kindle for PC. I've started re-reading Little Women which I read when I was younger and found it interesting. The last time I read it was at my aunt and uncle's up in Vermont. My uncle Don was reading it to my cousins. It was so.........perfect. You know. reading at night to the girls in a country house in Vermont.
That's also where I read Angela's Ashes.
On my Kindle list [free books] is The Time Machine and War Of The Worlds, among others. It's so cool; if there's a word you don't know you can look it up or highlight passages. And I'm always on the computer. now I'll be learning when on the computer. And with ebooks you don't have to wait for delivery, and the books don't take up the room that actual physical ones would. You don't have to pay for shipment.'
'25th
.......bother trying to find her she's not there.
[Adele, Rolling In The Deep/She's Not There, The Zombies].
Well I fuked up.
So there was this girl who I had feelings for. and so told her. [yes i fall for people easily]. nothing, you know. happened between us. [as usual, she's not local]. But god she's so fuking beautiful. not physically.........but just. in the short time I'd [she's still on this earth btw. we're just not in contact] known her she loved more fiercely than anyone I knew.
This all happened last week.
.......bother trying to find her she's not there.
[Adele, Rolling In The Deep/She's Not There, The Zombies].
Well I fuked up.
So there was this girl who I had feelings for. and so told her. [yes i fall for people easily]. nothing, you know. happened between us. [as usual, she's not local]. But god she's so fuking beautiful. not physically.........but just. in the short time I'd [she's still on this earth btw. we're just not in contact] known her she loved more fiercely than anyone I knew.
This all happened last week.
i mean, whatever.'
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