I think this letter, the one that's gonna be posted at the end of this, will be the nail on the coffin of my couple. I'm too well versed into mind-games, into politics to know that this Congress that she represents will lead nowhere. My dreams will be quaked in the egg, the laws I will try to push will be destroyed by visionnaries. It needs to be said. This is probably my closure speech.
"You know, the honeymoon period of our couple is gone. There is no ‘everything is shiny’ moments left. There will not be as many shiny charizards around the corner, all we have is the regular ones. So to have the best pokemons, we have the grit of EV-ing. We need to face that the next couple of months will be about compromises, about willingness to accept the other person as she is. We’re left with you and me as human beings, trying to mix up around expectations, dreams, needs and desires together to obtain something at the end. We’re completely different, in mentalities, in heritage, in personas. We’ve been working since our childhood, for different reasons. I had the choice to either starve or work; so it was easy. Was it really a choice? I really, really don’t like starvation. Money will always be important in my life: I will always freak out if I don’t have enough, or I will be happy if I have a cushion, even if it’s tiny! I just need to know my dog can break a leg and I can pay the surgery; I need to know I can buy a new pairs of pants if my 3 year-old pants give in.
If we ever have a family, I want to be part of it. I want to educate our children, but so do I and we know now that we have a totally different conception of what should be education for our children. You mentioned that there are funds out there to finance universities and such and when I said it wasn’t so easy to get one, look at myself, you answered: it’s because you aren’t black, or african, or from Middle-East… our children won’t be either. They won’t be colored-skinned people. It will be difficult for them too.
I know that right now, having a child is not logical to me: no steady house, no space, no money, no funds for the kid. Would I ever be ready? I don’t know. Probably not. I don’t have that pull towards maternity yet.
You want heat, space, some place that is tiny, doesn’t cost much to live. You want that modern house. I want someplace mid-weathered, a land where I can grow chickens, ducks, pheasants, cows, goats, alpacas, berries, apples, potatoes, chives, plums, peaches… I want a place that won’t cost the end of the world because it’ll be self-efficient, with a stream to power a generator, with enough sun to grow our stuff without burning it. I want a place where every step won’t kill me, so no humid place… Can we compromise on that? Yes we can, we just need to talk about it.
I always have the impression you have your life planned ahead, you know where you’re going, what to do and I honestly, brutally, don’t know where I stand with it. Is there any place in this life of yours for me? I don’t know. You tell me. Is there any space for my own dreams? To have that hobby farm, to have the time without stressing to write? To create art? To pick up singing if I damn want to? To horseback ride if I want to? I don’t know. From what I see, with a clinical point of view: there is no place for me in the life that you want to have.
You talk about sacrifices, compromises… I didn’t fight you not coming over to Canada because I knew what it represented to you, to have that full-time contract with GameShop. It was important for me to know you were steady in Norway. Am I still bitter about this? Hell yes. But I understand the necessity you had to stay there to comfirm that you were the best one they had. I gave you up for your own good. I had that school picked up for you to go practice art. This was supposed to be a surprise; I was looking at activities to do our the province that wouldn’t cost too much but that would be awesome to go together. I gave this up because I knew it was better for you to stay in Norway.
I can compromise on the house, on where we live, but I can’t compromise on my health, I can’t compromise on parts of my dreams.
You do need a steady partner, one who could afford you staying at home or working part time while insuring that you lack nothing. Can I provide that? Yes, if I work full time, or if I have a very wealthy position somewhere. Can I get that? Not immediately - my case isn’t strong enough, but I’m willing to try. But I will not be happy.
I will be missing on you, on the children, on creativity, on that peace of mind that I would need, on the surroundings. I will stare at people instead of talking because my brain would be too exhausted. I know, this is what is happening; that is what happened in NY. I didn’t have the energy to participate in anything. Yes, my fault, I know. I should have been straightforward; I should have said I’m too tired, etc. I didn’t, because I was determined in spending time with you. You’ve always told me you didn’t want to plan anything while traveling and whenever I brought things up in the months coming up to NY, you always said: we’ll decide there. So I didn’t know what to do, where to go, what you wanted to see, where you wanted to walk. My fault for asking ‘where do you want to go? What do you want to do?’ Yes. I asked the question, but what could I do if I didn’t have any input from you?
I had a tiny voice that told me the wedding wouldn’t happen this year anyway. I had picked the room, the hotel, I was looking at restaurants to have that party and… there wasn’t much input, Ida. I was dumped with the responsibility to fix the wedding and I got partial answers whenever I discussed about it. I had the paper for the envelopes, I was working on the text but NY happened so I went all: ok, that’s not happening. We need to fix what happened first.
Then it just went downhill, didn’t it?
I am detached of what happened, not because I don’t feel anything, but because I do not know how to respond. Normally? I don’t know, someone cries if they’re raped, someone is a bit pissed if one acted inappropriately. I was wrong, I was doing something really bad. I wouldn’t cry myself about this, but I would feel the shame as this is 100% polar opposite to me. I’m not like this. But you make me feel like shit about it. When you struggle so much to go back home in 2012, I didn’t complain, I was more than happy to help you out and to sit with you near the hotel. That was a good moment for us. We learned each other. When something similar happened to me, I’m getting hell. Does it sound fair? I don’t know, I can’t tell: I wasn’t there mentally when it happened.
I apologized many times for whatever happened even if I didn’t know what happened until I was back in Canada, picking my brain about that night. You evaded my questions and didn’t tell me what happened until we were miles away. So I spent these two days racking my brain, trying to piece what happened together, to understand because I didn’t have all the information I needed. I wanted to give you these flowers, to write you that letter because I truly felt bad about it. Heck, I even considered drawing something for you. But nothing would have worked because of the mindset we were both in and still are.
My words used to be enough; material used to never matter because you believed in me. That changed because I didn’t punch the guy who was kissing me? I had no control over what happened. So ok, I’ll take the fall for that one. I assume that I did something wrong.
I simply know that I wouldn’t have reacted this way. I would have been worried sick about your health, yourself, the shock of learning what happened. I would have been caring about what happened to you. That’s the part that hurts the most.
So, we would have two different reactions to a similar situation. That’s ok, we’re different.
I will never exteriorise my feelings from the getgo. I will never let them go because I need the time off, not to recharge my battery, like with you, but I need that time to think about these emotions that always, always threaten to overtake me. If I don’t have that time off, then I become unstable within myself and i get depressed, sad, worried, panicky. I cannot change that. I cannot change the fact that I live within my head first and then within my heart second. My head will always win because otherwise I start hurting people even more. That raw emotion is for myself because I am the only one who can transform that emotion into something pallatable to others.
I cannot be asked to be instantly ashamed, instantly bad, instantly sad or panicky and I did believe you had understood that but maybe you didn’t. And that’s ok. Now you know. I will always have that period of time where nothing will happen.
I was detached on dA because heck, this was my trying to make up the best of an already shitty situation. You were crystal clear when you mentioned 2014 was your year and I respected that. So I made 2014 my own year. i would save up, work, have a dog! (I’m really looking forward to that), workout, get healthy, pulverize my previous weight lift and travel within the US. I repeated constantly that traveling the US is something I can do because I don’t need any flight tickets. Traveling Europe is harder for myself; that’s another fact. In the US, I have these friends that I met and had fun with that could house myself or my friends so that’s dirt cheap. It’s like, we see different things, different ways of doing things. We’re different people, we must accept this. I cannot bend one way to accomomodate 100% of you while I need to give 50% of me away.
I think at this point, do we want to live that life? Where we won’t be 100% happy, where we’ll struggle a lot sometimes, where I’ll have my quirks that will annoy you and where you’ll have yours that’ll annoy me? Can you accept my mood, my need to be within myself, to be working but not 100% of the time, to have that afternoon or morning off so I can write, work with the animals? You don’t want to take care of the land, I get it, I understand why. It’s hard, difficult to do so.
I don’t think I want to move out of this continent.
Who are we to each other? Our hearts talk the same language, but the rest of us, the rest doesn’t speak the same tongue. Are we a couple? Good friends? Friends? Acquaintances?"
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