The Balls We Juggle in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Today was a mixed bag of a day.

I was busy. BUSY. From pretty much crack of dawn to end of day, I was working on something or researching something or drafting something or making a phone call. AND YET my billable hour total for the day hangs at 3.7. This part of Private Practice is bullshit. My day’s summary has (1) e-mailed; (2) drafted; (3) reviewed; (4) phoned; (5) filed; (6) phoned; (7) Researched; (8) Researched; (9) e-mailed; (10) phoned; (11) phoned; (12) e-mailed; (13) phoned; (14) reviewed; (15) phoned; (16) phoned; (17) researched; (18) phoned; (19) drafted.... I had something to do all day… and still… shit for hours.

So… that’s something I don’t understand.

And in follow up to earlier today… all of the Prosecutors I spoke with and all of the Public Defenders I spoke with are off tomorrow. As are all of the Judges, Clerks, Court Agents, and people who make things happen in Law. Veterans Day and all. But screw that noise when you’re working for the Chinese. Chinese Boss’ exact words were “We don’t need the courts to be open to do our jobs.” Ooookay? You do know that things like Criminal Filing, Civil Litigation, Business Formation, Family Law, and Immigration require courts… right? I mean, I don’t wish to be an asshole but… we don’t do financial law. We don’t do M&As yet, we don’t do Tax Law, we don’t do Real Estate law. We do Criminal Law. Immigration Law. Business Formation. Divorces. Law Suits. But oh well. I’ll sit here and keep researching tomorrow. Try to figure out how best to
(1) Get an acquittal for a woman that had marijuana in her car
(2) Get an acquittal for a man that brought a loaded concealed hand gun to his college campus
(3) Get an acquittal for a woman who “digitally stimulated” her undercover cop client

Because that is what I do. I welcome Chinese Citizens that are in this country and my state… I say, “How have you broken the law?” And then my bosses tell me that, due to Immigration Consequences, I have to get these people off. Thanks. Super. Good thing my passion, the very reason I went to law school, was prosecution!

But that thought reminded me of something. And it is something I needed to remember.

Why did I ultimately take this job? I was reluctant. I was hesitant. I was… frankly… none too thrilled. And I remember that. I remember being really excited when someone (anyone) called and said they wanted to hire me. Then I remember being super bummed out when we discussed Salary, Benefits, Firm Structure, and Firm Culture. I was… very bummed. But ultimately, I committed myself to taking the job and went full steam ahead. Why?

And I remember why. It is something I need to remember more often and keep with me.

Wife and I had agreed to return to the Des Moines area. Not “if something comes up” not “when something comes up”… Wife said that she could never ever find what she was looking for in Tiny Town and I was going stir crazy myself up there. So we knew we were coming back here. And I remember looking at my wife and saying these exact words: “Might as well take the job then. Better to have a shitty job that pays while I look for something better. I mean, as opposed to not having a job at all while we’re in Des Moines.”

And that’s what I need to hold on to. Yeah, it sucks that I work for Cruel People who have no respect for Family. Yeah, it is really tough to work for people whose values are so different from mine. Yeah, it sucks to work for people who routinely scare/abuse their staff to the point where they have constant turn over. But the options were this or sit at home, applying for jobs. As horrible as this may be? I know for a fact that spending all day every day applying for work, looking for work, and being rejected for work… that would have driven me MORE depressed. Because as much as I hate being attacked by my bosses… being attacked pisses me off. The stress added increases my body pain and increases my depression. But what makes my depression almost unbearable is the constant rejection from other opportunities. THAT just… sends me to the darkest of places. And if my every day was that struggle? As opposed to that struggle being broken up by shitty work? And if my every day was that struggle, knowing I was making ZERO money? Yeah. This job sucks. I want something better. I think, I hope, on some level… I deserve something better. And if they fire me because I didn’t live up to their Chinese Dragon Lady standards; then it happens. But for now? I’m not sitting at home constantly trying to get hired. I’m not contributing nothing to my family. I’m not letting all of my lawyer skills atrophy. That is something I should focus on.

Before anyone decides to congratulate me for “turning a corner” or anything… hold your applause. When the bosses come back next week; shit is going to be WRETCHED. Like… the stress, the demands, the expectations… it isn’t a stretch to say it will be the worst it has ever been. Not to mention the 500 plus miles I’m expected to drive next week. So… yeah. That will be God Awful, soul shattering, heart rending bullshit.

But I can’t allow myself to think “THIS IS WHERE I LAND.” And no matter what my bosses say or do… I can’t allow them to make me think “THIS IS WHERE I LAND.” Even if I get fired… even if I get fired and it takes me a few years to figure out what to do next… THIS IS NOT WHERE I LAND!