Beyond the Black of Night in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

There may be some that declare I am not manly for sharing my emotions so freely. But truly, I have never declared myself manly. Hell, in my 12 years with my Wife I can assure you that declaring myself manly in her presence would elicit a chortle if not a full guffaw. Because I am not bound by Machismo or Masculine Stereotypes. As my Fibro went undiagnosed; I was a victim of whatever massive tide of emotion happened to crash into my beach. Perhaps why, prior to medication, I was so into drama. Finally a place where my emotional instability could be recognized as valuable. And perhaps why, after medication, I’ve never found my true Center again. 21 years of wildly emotionally unstable is a hard thing to ignore.

My present situation has done a significant number on me. More so than can be gleaned from reading prior entries. I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know why this experience poisons me so. But, if nothing else, I hope my words can convey both how lost this situation has made me… and how sensitive this situation has made me.

Prior to Now, I was a self-reflective mildly intelligent person that could look into the past and easily play with causality. If I had gone left on August 13, 2011 instead of right… this is what would have changed… that kind of thinking. I wouldn’t say I pride myself on it; but it is something that acts as a center for me. If I am feeling lost or confused… I can pinpoint what went wrong in my past. That is something I could count on. Tiny Town, for instance. “Why am I stuck here?” The answer was, “I specifically and exclusively wanted to be a prosecutor in Iowa”. It may sound overly simple; but that was the truth. Hell, even Aku. I could look at the nightmare that was Aku and say, “If you went into the past to change a single event; how would you avoid Aku?” All of this is known to me. Or was.

That has all changed now. This present situation.... I am very sensitive now… because of how utterly lost I feel. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone. Maybe people think I need to “up my dosage”. But… this whole situation has me completely upside down. Questioning everything. Not just “Should I have left Tiny Town?” It has me questioning everything. If I had left my wife, would I have been in this position? If I had never gone to Law School, would 33 year old me be in a better or happier place? Does my choice of major reflect significantly on my current predicament? My choice of undergrad education? If I had quit swimming and focused on academics? If I had been better at Cello? On and On and On.

So… if my writing is annoying you.... if my writing seems self-pitying or over dramatic.... perhaps this can help explain how I feel… why I’m so sensitive.

I am currently in a place of misery. My home life, what it is, sucks. My professional life, if you can call it that, sucks. I’m constantly a day away from being fired and (as my current round of applications proves) once fired I have no ability to gain meaningful employment. So… yes. I feel lost. I feel in the dark. I feel… sensitive. And as I need to help my Wife… as my friends can do nothing for me… as my parents can simply “pray for better”… I come to Prosebox to whinge. Because if I don’t release that pressure valve, I simply cry. And I can’t get Crackheads out of prison, I can’t betray my country to the Chinese, and I can’t fuck up everything I do so professionally… if all I can do is cry.

Last updated November 09, 2017