Standing in Quicksand Whilst Tied to an Anchor in General Mental Anesthesia

Back on Oct 19th, I was in a car crash. Just a “Fender Bender” but the person who hit me I wrote in the police report had to be doing at least 20 mph and she had her foot on the gas, not the brake at the time of impact.

I have had a headache and/or migraine every single day since the crash. Usually at the top of my neck, base of the skull and the migraines are primarily on the right side temple / eye area (and they are catastrophic!!!). Additionally, no meds or soaking my feet in hot water, none of the tricks for a typical headache are working, I’ve even been in tears on a couple of occasions recently.

Finally got the car back the other day from being fixed. It was over $2700 in damages!!! For a so-called ‘fender bender’ that’s a lot!

I’ve been trying to get to a Dr to address these headaches (plus exacerbated back pains mostly in the thoracic region) but as it was my sister’s car that I was driving (and a legal driver on) I was not able to drive the rental because my sister wouldn’t add me to it for no other reason than sheer laziness, so now I have to try and get access to the car so I can see a Dr about these issues whilst navigating her and her husbands schedules.

I really miss having a life of my own, it may have sucked, but at least I could come and go as I pleased and did what I needed to do.

No one seems to take my health seriously except me.

My friend who set up the GoFundMe page (https://www.gofundme.com/jayeeryk) stopped sharing it to her social pages Twitter / FB / Blog etc… I mean I was very surprised she even did it and she did so because she knows I need the help and that I would never do one on my own or straight out ask for help, but after losing my home, my car and selling off most of my possessions over the past year to pay for all the medical ‘care’ or lack thereof, I’m left with no other options.

I’m not going to rehash everything, if you’ve been following me, you’re familiar, but there are several PB entries on the matter.

It’s just frustrating when I hear “Praying for you, get well soon” blah, blah, blah… like that shit is going to do anything. It doesn’t; it’s not like I have the flu in which case “get well soon” is apropos.

I like donating to specific charities and needs (mostly through time and effort because I’ve always been poor, but do give when I can).

Me, working for free, volunteering with the Everglades Wildlife Alliance and sweating my butt off in the South Florida heat. I’ve gone out, filmed, photographed etc… 100’s of shoots with them over the years (at no charge).

The day after I did another film gig where I was injured (see right ankle) I went out and volunteered with the EWA. It hurt, but I didn’t know the extent of the damage at the time. After the day ended I could no longer stand on it & had to go to the hospital (MRI revealed 2 torn tendons).

Just because I volunteer, doesn’t mean I hold back. Risking life and limb to get up and personal with Everglades wildlife!

So it bothers me when my friend goes so far out of her way to start the page on my behalf, shares it like crazy for a few days, asks her friends to share it and asks me to do the same. Now there’s just about nothing I hate more than asking for help, feeling like a beggar (I’ve been homeless for over 4 1/2 years of my life (non-consecutively) dating back to an abusive upbringing) and never not once have I ever asked for a single cent. I’ve gone a week without sleep countless times, 4 & 5 days without eating… I suffered through it.

But I wasn’t going to let her down and went far beyond my comfort zone and shared it on here, on instagram on my fb & twitter many times as most of you can attest to and it’s like a punch in the gut every time I do it. It’s almost pointless to continue; my social media reach is maxed out and though the campaign is a conservative estimate at to the costs to get into remission (saving my life) from this aggressive from of UC, I don’t even have a 3rd of that to even make one appointment. I am close, but I can’t do anything with ‘close’. and there’s been no activity on the page for over 3 weeks. It’s disheartening to say the least.

All the while my health deteriorates, some days I can barely walk. I’ve been trying to do a little Halloween photo shoot for my sister; well for my niece “Talya”. It helps if I can mentally focus on something other than the pain.

Since it was her 1st Halloween (despite the fact that I had to sell one of my favorite lenses (and only) for portraiture & had to sell my professional light kit) in efforts to get my health back on track via Dr’s & hospitals that inevitably failed, but I’ve just been too sick to do it. I can’t even cheat it with photoshop or lightroom as my editing laptop broke over the past year as well which I obviously can’t afford to replace. Dealing with a baby whose teething and not happy (or more to the point, patient) and me constantly running to the bathroom or having to deal with severely blurred vision due to side effects of meds I’m on for my back, the migraines, the recent car crash etc… it just sucks! I don’t know how long I’ll be around for; having gone so long with this severe flare up, being inflamed and on Prednisone for 14 months… I don’t like to say it, but I could be dealing with colon cancer or any number of life threatening complications; I just don’t know, but I’m terribly ill and in so much pain that never lets up and it’s something that haunts me and hovers over me daily, but at least I can leave a legacy of nice photo’s for her to remember me by in whatever time I do have.

Well… if I can ever get it done that is. :/

End bitch transmission.