TWITTER AND OTHER SUCH THINGS in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

.... and with THAT… I have officially applied to EVERY law firm with an opening; EVERY government office looking for something more than Administrative Assistant; EVERY financial institution looking for Assistant Counsel or Mortgage Counselor. In short… with that… I have applied to everything. And I dare say… if zero responses come back.... well…

I can’t just leave this place with a Resignation Note. Call me… bizarre. What I plan to do, should no offers come through, would be to simply take White Boss out for a drink or dinner. Explain to him, carefully, that I am shit at this job. I could be better but I’m shit. And every morning of this job, every morning, requires more and more will power to decide to come into the office instead of just… quit in an unprofessional and mutually destructive fashion. And while I wish it were different, I don’t see how I can continue with the firm as it is the worst scenario for both the firm’s continuing prosperity and my own personal health. I would announce then, as I doubt he’d make any moves to “keep me on”, that I would like to work with him to shutter my portion of the business. I will, of course, tender an official resignation to the firm and work on closing my cases to the best of my ability to such a point that the Firm would not have to absorb any extra work. Then I would strongly resist the urge to ask about future references. There is no way these people are going to give me a good reference. Now or ever. And I’ll have to deal with that somehow. I’m not sure how. But it is something I will have to deal with.

Sometimes, I think back to Tiny Town and choke back a laugh. I was upset because the government full of Good Ol’ Boys was corrupt. I was upset because the town was a void wasteland. I was upset because I didn’t get any assistance in learning how to be an attorney. I was upset because the government was always looking for the next person to screw for their own benefit. Left Tiny Town. Whole world is like that. Trump’s Government full of Good Ol’ Boys. I’m not getting assistance in learning how to be an attorney. I’m getting screwed by my bosses and every Millennial I know is struggling to figure out how to live a lifestyle closer to their parents… even though every Millennial I know is light years behind where their parents were at the same stage in life. Hrm. When my parents were 33. It was 1985. From 1985 to 2005; the United States doubled the wealth of the country. The country went from 7 Trillion to 14 Trillion in that time. In fact, some economic papers I read said between 1983 and the year 2000 was the best economic growth this country has ever seen. So.... my parents 33 to 53: wild economic growth. Now, so as not to skew the numbers… as 1985 to 2005 is a 20 year period… lets look back to when I was 12. 1996 to 2016. Twenty year period. The United States went from 10 to 16 Trillion. With the last 10 years experiencing some of the slowest economic expansion in many decades.

Whole world is fucked up, man. Whole world needs something to give.

Bah, as the day draws near, the sun has completely disappeared in the sky, and I wait for a Chinese Client… I know what I need to do to survive the next few weeks. I need to not think about it. I need to be comfortable with the fact that I’ve tried as hard as I could. I’ve applied to everywhere I can. And if nobody is going to call me, nobody is going to call me. And if they are going to call me but they need several weeks to get through everything… then so be it. There’s nothing I can do.

Which starts me to thinking why the United States currently is so bullshit. THIS is why Wealth Remains Concentrated (and becomes more concentrated each passing generation). It is easy to claim it is all due to Estate, but the Estate Tax doesn’t affect that and frankly (honestly) I’m okay still calling it a Death Tax. If someone has accumulated wealth in their lives and chooses to bequeath it to their loved ones; leave them alone, they have that right. INFLUENCE and the homogeneous exercise of influence is what has gripped this country, much as it gripped Britain when we revolted. If I’m Jeff Bezos, I’m more likely going to trust my friend’s son in a position than I am to trust a stranger. And that’s LOGICAL. That makes SENSE. That isn’t even WRONG. But it keeps things sequestered. Even if you expand it out more. Let’s say Bezos is sick of nepotism and all of that and requests the best and brightest. Harvard Grads, Stanford Grads, Yale Grads… in order to get to those schools, it often requires money. So yes… money and influence rule this nation. Which is why the GOP released a tax plan that referred to those making $450,000 a year as “low to middle income” (http://www.newsweek.com/tax-cuts-republicans-middle-class-trump-701094). Because… yeah. Nevermind the fact that the most RECENT Census Data says the following:
Persons with doctorates in the United States average an income of roughly $81,400; while those with advanced degrees average roughly $72,824. Meanwhile, College Degree Alone is somewhere in the $50,000 range while High School Alone ranges between $20,000 to $30,000. (Side Note: Glad I have an advanced degree so I can make what High School Graduates make!) So… yeah. Whole fuckin’ worlds gone mad and it doesn’t seem like there’s a damned thing anybody can do to stop it.

(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

It is another reason why I don’t want to kill myself trying to be A SUPER SUCCESS; and why I don’t agree with my bosses’ natural inclination (and obsession) with DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE THE BEST AT WHATEVER WE DO ALL THE TIME. Fuck. That. Life is too short. Prioritize your values. If your number one value is getting rich? Fine. Bye Felicia. If your number one value is getting recognized as extraordinary? Fine. Best of luck to you, have a nice life. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get just your slice and living just your life. That’s what I want. I want a steady gig that provides me the funds, benefits, and opportunities to have/take care of/enjoy my family. And it all comes back around.... it keeps coming back around… over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. What I want seems… so simple. SO SIMPLE. Job plus Family. The path of almost every other fucking human in this country. It’s like… (allegory) it’s like my whole life, I’ve been taught to play Chess. I’m not great at it, I enjoy it, and I play Chess. Someone noticed I play chess and said, “You have to keep playing until you’re the best.” I don’t want to. Fuck you. Why do you want to come in here and fuck up my enjoyment of chess? Let me play Chess, win or lose, and enjoy it. Fuck.

Obviously, my situation makes me depressed. Which gives me less energy to do that which I already don’t want to do. Feedback loop.

Funny thing is, I have this pulling at the back of my head. This strong whisper in my soul that is saying I should try acting again. The concept of “You failed at what you considered your backup; this should prove you should try for your first passion” but honestly? I have no idea how I’d even get started. Unless I quit the Law Firm and try to get a local agent, lol. The last time I acted… I was a helluva lot cuter, more experienced on stage, 95 pounds lighter, and a lot less grey in the hair. No, I can’t just say “All right, lets make a go at professional acting” (the very idea makes me chortle in my chair).

But… that is an important part of what I am looking for in a job. The opportunity to try out for Community Theater. Because Lord knows I can’t do that with this job. I can just imagine suggesting it. They would clutch their chests and bellow about “being available for the clients and the firm”… I would get an earful about “Saturday needs to remain open for events we send you on” and the like. Truly… the demands of those wishing to have a Master/Servant relationship, lol.