Word Waste in 2017

Snippets of the crazy in my head, mostly because getting it out usually quiets it down.

• I’m not the best version of myself. I’d say I’m better than MeCirca Late 2015…But I feel like its been a steady slow downward slope since getting pregnant with Ivy. Nausea and vomiting that lasted the e.n.t.i.r.e. pregnancy contributed to my nursing aversion/drying up/Orion weaning. He was barely a year and a half. It was bittersweet that my dude was losing out on some savory babyhood. A new squish coming in was the sweetest icing though. I’d have gone through any hoops and back with my eyes on the prize.
  Lately the longing sits heavy in my chest. Sometimes just a bit soggy, but othertimes swelling with a suffocation like no other. Oh, anxiety and PTSD. You mangy beast. Its a weird dichotomy to cling to the memories of her/with her, knowing they are tainted with the horrible horrible outcome. Ughhhhhh.
  Its unreal.
  To know the moment the baby within me died. (in hindsight)
  To know no more than thirteen hours separated her death and her birth.
  To also know that my labor pattern started after she was already gone.

By the time I was questioning movement, I would not have made it in time to the hospital even if I left right then. There should be comfort in there, somewhere. There is, Im sure. Just cant feel it yet. What if my choice to grocery shop jostled her enough to seal her fate? Maybe sitting mostly still in a car would have been okay.

UGH.

Pointless searching, I know. Going over and over and over will not bring her back. Searching to see if litigation should/could happen is pointless. But knowing these things doesnt stop my mind from occasionally going there. And I cant wish away the crazy when its such a large portion of all I have with my girl.