Changes in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I’ve made a lot of changes this last week, small changes, but probably important ones.
I’ve been exercising, I actually got my bike fixed.
It’s not like I’m going crazy or anything, but I’ve been riding it a little bit here and there…and I’ve been playing disc golf again. Not a ton, but a little bit.
It’s going to be harder to play disc golf after this weekend when daylight savings hits.

I’ve been trying more positive self talk, like congratulating myself for eating or getting enough but not too much sleep, or not napping…showering is a big one.

I asked my therapist why we weren’t doing any EMDR yet, because I truly believe that it’s going to be a huge key to unlocking some of my more severe problems and solving them so that I can eventually go off medication completely…but she said I’m not in a healthy enough place for it yet…soooooooooo…I don’t know, that kind of lit a fire under my ass.

I had been out drinking with my friend, Deanne, the night before, and we didn’t go super hard or anything, but we watched the Dodgers get their asses kicked by Houston and played some arcades and some pinball and just head a great night, got some food, it was awesome, but I knew when my therapist told me I wasn’t in a healthy enough place that the drinking is part of it.

She says I need better coping skills.

Okay…so from that moment on I kind of haven’t wanted to drink at all.

I even went out tonight to this pretty rad art installation and hung out with a bunch of my friends and I had a great time without drinking anything.
Tomorrow night I’m going out with some friends to go see Thrice and Circa Survive in LA.
That’s going to be rad, and I’m not going to drink anything.

Anyway…that’s my little update about things.

I always want to get on here and write these cryptic poems about my ex’s or my possible future lover.

I’m glad I don’t do that.

I think we’re all glad I don’t do that.

I think just talking about alcohol all the time is probably kind of stupid, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it that isn’t going to roll their eyes. I haven’t really told anyone that I’m done drinking, I don’t want to jynx anything, so I’m just kind of fighting this internal battle all the time. I don’t like AA, I don’t like support groups.

I don’t know, my therapist wants me to go to a support group for bi-polar people…I’ve honestly been thinking about going just out of curiosity, I mean…it must be totally insane in there, I know how crazy my shit gets, I’m sure there are people who are way worse off, would that even help to hear about? This particular mental disorder just gets worse with time, how would it help to see someone worse off than I am, just knowing that sooner or later I’ll get to that point if I live long enough?

Anyway…

I finally got contacts.
I got contacts for the first time when I was 12, and fell asleep in my glasses and accidentally broke them very shortly after that, and then I pretty much only wore contacts from the time I was 12 to 31…so, that’s like 40 years.
I got a pair of glasses when I was 31 because I found a really nice pair for relatively cheap, so I snatched them up and thought it would be cool to be able to switch off every once in a while.
It was cool.
Well, shortly after my last relationship ended I decided that I was going to just kind of hide from the world or something…so I started drinking again (you knew I was going to slip something about alcohol in somewhere) and I began to only wear my glasses, and to top it off I began to dress as nerdy and “dad” as possible.

I just wanted to fly under the radar…and I did a pretty good job.

I don’t know what happened this last week, but I came out of my depressive episode in a big way, and I decided it was time to stop hiding and time to start working out and time to start paying off my debt and get back on the coding horse and be a productive member of some sort of society again.

It’s time to start being nice to myself.

If I’m going to be alone and if I’m going to be stuck with myself then it’s time we start getting along.

I feel like I could just sit here and write forever right now, just listening to my dope ass playlist that I wish I could share with everyone in the world but I can’t figure out how to work Spotify well enough to even add my friends and share shit with them.

I want to fall in love again and love someone and be loved, but I genuinely think that part of me is broken and I don’t know if it’s ever going to get fixed.
I don’t even have sexual desires anymore.
I’m pretty broken…I’m pretty much just going through the motions.

But I’m going to change that, right?
I’m going to get some endorphins and some vitamin - D.
I’m going to cast positive affirmations like magickal spells into the ether so that the gods might hear me.
right?

I’m going to quit drinking…

…I’m going to learn how to code and I’m going to get a decent job that pays the bills.

I’m going to get two cats.

I’m going to love myself because no one else will.

…

thanks for listening.
love you.

-Dane