Memory in meh...

Note: I wrote this after the second implosion of my 2nd relationship with my kids father, around 2003 sometime. Or perhaps I wrote about the implosion in 2007 when I got really into writing. I don’t know. We broke up again in 2003 I know that.
At any rate, I used snippets from Alanis Morrisette’s song “At That Particular Time” when writing it.

“I only wanted for you what you wanted for yourself…”
I was prepared to dig in my feet and
to work and strive to get you where you
wanted to be.
To help you surround yourself with the
things your heart desired,
even if I wasn’t to be part of it.
“And yet I wanted to save us, high water or hell…“
I was hanging on and
hanging in and
loving you until our end was eminent and
even then I clenched and clung and
held on and loved you.
On the other end of an empty hug.
You were in my arms but not.
You were in my blood, but you ran cold.
You were in my heart but only as a shell.
and yet, I still hung on.
“And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt…“
I didn’t ignore it,
but I asked you repeatedly
was us over and you didn’t answer me.
I felt your ambivalence and
I felt the distance and
I wanted and needed reassurance and
you were not able,
not capable to give me your truth
because you didn’t want to hurt me.
But you were hurting me.
I pushed aside your ambivalence growing
within me hoping that we
could stand a chance.
“In the meantime, I lost myself… I’m sorry I lost myself… I am.”
Not only did I lose you,
but I lost me too in the tears and
the pain that I felt because
you ripped yourself from my life.
I hid from the world,
my family and friends
because the one person who was my world was gone.
In the midst of my holding on
I lost sight of my happiness.
I lost sight of my dreams
trying to make yours come true.
I lost sight of me period.
And now, with you gone I don’t know who I am
because so much of me was wrapped up in you and
I thought we were one and
as long as we were one I always knew who I was and
where my place was and
now I just feel lost in the wind
hoping to regain a glimpse of who I was
in the past so I may reacquaint myself
with myself and
get back to being myself
without you.

Last updated November 03, 2017