TWITTER THOUGHTS (11/2/2017) in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

https://twitter.com/FelixBlaq

TWITTER 1:
I used to smile more. A lot more. I smiled all the time as a child. I smiled a lot in College, even during the rough parts. I smiled during Best Buy as a part of the uniform and as a man who was thrilled to be working with others. I smiled during law school as a man who was ecstatic at the challenge, at the camaraderie, and at finding himself. And then I started smiling less. I smiled in Tiny Town because I was happy to be working but the smile broke down more and more. Then I hit this law firm. I realized it this morning. My bosses have often remarked about how serious I look all the time. Because I don’t smile anymore. Another reason to get out. Another reason to be frustrated that it seems like I can’t.

TWITTER 2:
I should be ashamed about saying this. I should have more faith or more confidence or more… something. But if I keep getting rejections all the way through and up to The Bossses’ Return? I will start applying for those jobs that require “High School Diploma Preferred.” I mean… what a fucking kick in the teeth… someone with a Master’s Degree working a job that could be filled by a High School student… but I am getting tired of living like this. I am getting tired of my life being simply a sucking hole, a festering wound, where happiness and hope collapse into nothingness. So… yeah. If we get to November 15th… and I haven’t even scheduled an interview? I’m going to have to.

TWITTER 3:
Truth is… if you gave me the option to win the Lotto’s $63 million prize… or get hired by The City Attorney… I’d say City Attorney. I don’t want to win my way to freedom… I want to work. I want to provide a service to the people. And the more I work at THIS firm… the more I realize, I’ll likely never be happy at a Private Practice Law firm. I’m taking calls throughout the day for me, Chinese Boss, White Boss… I’m answering e-mails, and making phone calls, and filing motions… I’m getting overwhelmed and i haven’t even had time to work on MY OWN cases.... and still? STILL. After ALL OF THAT… my “Hours Billed” section is a single hour. ONE HOUR?! God dammit, what the fuck, are you shitting me, what the fuck?! EVERY. GOD DAMNED. DAY. Get into the office by 8:30. And then I’m LUCKY to have 2 or more billable hours. Jesus fucking cunt!

TWITTER 4:
As if intuitively knowing… I received e-mails rejecting many more of my applications to things like “Assistant Assistant Second Attorney”. Because, that’s right folks… despite working for the government for 5 years (Nebraska and Iowa); despite being an Assistant County Attorney… I’m not fit to lick the stains off the boots of real attorneys in the government. Which puts me in a precarious position. I’m not good enough for the law; but the other places won’t hire me because “Why would a lawyer apply for a Retail position?” So… yes. In other words… I have well and truly FUCKED myself simply by following a dream (to be an attorney) and then realizing how much Private Practice sucks in every conceivable way.

TWITTER 5:
OMG. This. This is the shit that just sends me ‘round the bend. I get a text message. IN CHINESE. So, in English, the language I KNOW I reply “All new clients and new matters must be brought to CHINESE BOSS for review and discussion. Thank you.” I get several more texts. I go have Chinese Assistant translate them. The say “I talked to Chinese Boss already. She said I should contact you. You are supposed to help me.” HEAD + BRICK WALL + RU(SHITTING)ME. FIRST- I don’t speak Chinese. How is this still a surprise. SECOND- If I am supposed to help a client… maybe mention that in one of your myriad texts, e-mails, or phone calls. BUT NO… this is the kind of shit that I get ragged on about because of “miscommunications” and how all “miscommunications” are my fault. Mother. Fucker. And of course, trying to get this worked out (via speaking to the client; the assistants; or Chinese Boss… is yielding ZERO results. ZERO. Seriously you fucking people?

TWITTER 6:
I’ve reached what I could. Today, based on my father’s advice, I applied to a Financial Firm. I have no accounting background… no financial experience… but I was sitting looking at the “Corporate Jobs Available In Your Area” and… I’d applied to all of the lawyer jobs. ALL OF THEM. I applied to many of the HR Jobs. I’d even applied to many of the Credit and Mortgage jobs. So… it was between Finance Manager and Delivery Driver. I think I’m going to wait until 2018 before I get to the point where “Fuck it, I’ll deliver for Godfather’s” is my career path. Still, though, this hurts my faith. Or my hope. I’m cursed with faith. I’ve only ever truly doubted the existence of God twice. Otherwise, I always just have this ingrained belief that God exists. My trouble lately? Is trying to determine whether God is an asshole, if God simply doesn’t care anymore, or if God is turning back into his OLD self which was… considerably less Pro-Human.

Last updated November 06, 2017