Question in Random Thoughts

Last night I told Clay that i was going to be and hour + late for the half day Buddhism class we are both taking this upcoming Saturday.

His response was “that’s ok”

This raised my hackles (which doesn’t happen often, but more often with him than anyone else in my life right now).

Here is my thinking: In what scenario do you respond with the statement “that’s ok”?

I forgot to load the dishwasher last night that’s ok
I will pay the rest of what i owe you next week that’s ok

When my (contrarian) response was “Of course it’s ok, I don’t need your permission or anything” (which i know was not a productive way to respond) he was....irritated? confused?

In the moment i did a bad job of explaining why i had an emotional response. He asked me to please recognize and respond to his intention and not his words.....

He also said that when people care about one another they affirm what the other person is saying. (my response was that i don’t need him to affirm that its ok i am late. i don’t need any affirmations about who i am and what i do).

Plus, i really think an affirmation of what i said might look like this: “ok, i’ll see you when you get there” or simply and “ok, thanks for telling me”.

But.... on the (half an hour) drive home i thought it through a bit. Clay has struggled with people misinterpreting him and thinking he is aggressive or domineering. I think this is one example of the way he (unintentionally) communicates that exemplifies what his co-workers and peers experience.

I truly believe that the words you use show who you are, even if it is your unconscious beliefs.

His use of the statement “that’s ok” is something that i believe a man should not use when interacting with anyone where there is a power differential. Not that i feel there is one with us, but more like.... the inherent power white middle class men have and the way they interact with the world with that sense of entitlement and power.

I think if he is more mindful of his word choice, it would change the way people react to him or the way people feel about his style of communication.

I know this may seem like such a little thing....but all the little things are the foundation of who we are.

This is why Clay and i are not working out. I enjoy him intellectually and we have chemistry, but otherwise there are so so many of these small moments that “raise my hackles”

Ha. There is no question yet. I mean to ask… What do you think?