NoJoMo 2 in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Last night, I asked Wife what she would do with her life if we won the lottery. She said she would go back to school and take every science class they offered so she could find a science that she not only enjoyed; but had some aptitude for. Then she said, “Plus, we’d finally be able to take a vacation, just the two of us!” I approached her about the idea of just… going to school. Insurance through Full Time Student and just… investigating the sciences as she stated. She said, without lotto bucks, it would be a waste of money. If she’s going to spend money going back to school; she wants it to be FOR something… something she knows she would like and want to do as a career.

Well, we didn’t win the lotto… obviously. Which means that… both Job Search and Lotto Play are coming up with giant huge zeros. Currently proving my point that… if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any. Which is unfair. I am blessed, I have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Last night, my dreams centered exclusively on me back at UNI. Just day to day stuff; eating at the Mess Hall, doing homework, that kind of thing. And I was reminded… I worked too hard in college (and spent too much) for college to have been a complete fucking waste. WHAT A CON! Granted, I suppose, it is my fault for not getting a “marketable major” but… it isn’t like I majored in “Medieval French Literature”. I majored in Religion. Considering that Religion is one of the most powerful, divisive forces on the planet right now… you’d think that wouldn’t be considered a wasted major. Shit… HR companies should be tripping over themselves for me since I have a law degree and Religion background. I know compliance and can consider the sensitivities and differences between Muslim, Sikh, Jew, Christian, Hinduism, and Buddhism. But HR Companies routinely say, “You don’t match our criteria.” So… yeah. Fucked up my entire life by selecting a piss-poor major at the age of 20! Too young to drink, but dammit if we won’t screw you for your other choices.

I woke up and… kind of thought to myself “Why bother?!” 5 Text messages from the bosses; 4 long e-mails from the bosses; more Criminals that I have to pretend shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. The will power I have to summon just to go into work these days is massive. When the bosses return… it will be more so. I feel like that patient from “One” with some modifications. “I’d scream; but I don’t have the energy. I’d go insane; but I can’t afford the commitment. I’d run; but I have nowhere to run to.” And so I am here. In the office. Alone. Again. Surrounded by other people’s work. Looking at another day of doing everything I can do for this job, and not getting paid. Hating it. Both depressed and angry that nobody else considers me worth interviewing.

NoJoMo 2

What is one small, yet defining moment in your life that may seem insignificant to others?

This one is more difficult than I would have imagined at first blush. Because a lot of the defining moments in my life would be clearly significant to others. When Aku destroyed my life my Senior Year of High School… significant. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and had to drop out of college for a semester… significant. When I got into Law School… significant.

I suppose the ultimate Most Significant Insignificant moment came my Freshman Year of College. The moment where I finally stopped trying to pursue acting as a career and put myself on the path of “What do I do now?”

As some of you may know, I got into school on a Theater Scholarship. It was almost exclusively performance based. But every time I tried out for anything in the Theater Department; I wasn’t cast. Ever. At anything. So I was a good enough performer for the school to pay me to attend… but I wasn’t a good enough performer to be cast in shows (thus retaining my scholarship?) After discussing with the scholarship committee how in the hell I was supposed to keep my scholarship; they informed me that I would have to “Get up to X amount of hours working on the shows. If not as an actor, I could do set crew or costume crew or whatever crew would take me.” That turned out to be costume crew. Because they needed people who could sit and tear seams for hours at a time… who could use a leather needle (that was a tough gig)… and who could be at the theater from 4 p.m. to 3 a.m. running the Costume Laundry service. All of which I had to do to keep my scholarship. And every show I tried out for? The Main Theater Shows… anywhere from 3 to 5 members of the cast were Professors at the school. The Black Box Shows… anywhere from 1 to 4 members of the cast were Professors at the school. The only shows where the roles weren’t filled at least 20% by Professors were the Student Shows in the Theater In The Ground. I wasn’t getting cast in the Professor Shows. THOSE spots were reserved for Seniors and/or Professor’s favorites. (Though, as costume crew, I did have to DRESS those professors. Yeah, in the dark, putting pants onto a 68 year old professor.) So I had to try out for the Student Shows. Student Shows were even more full of casting bullshit. Whoever they were dating, or friends with, or wanted to have sex with… those were what the casting directors were looking for. I made friends with one, one, casting director my first semester. And we bonded over the fact that he would get his Monthly Comic Book shipment sent directly to the Theater In The Ground because “it’s where he hung out.” I voiced my frustration to him about casting… how there are at least 8 shows per semester between everyone and I couldn’t even get a role as Policeman Number 5. He invited me to a party that the Casting Directors were throwing; something to try to get my name out there and connect with the people who could help. He warned me about the party but… it was worse than I imagined. AND THIS IS THE INSIGNIFICANT SIGNIFICANT MOMENT.

I walk to this house that is typical College Town House. Big enough to comfortably fit 3 to 6 people but rented out to 10 to 12. The entire house was absolutely packed. The theme of the party? Give Marriage The Middle Finger. It was one of their annual themes and one of the most popular among the Theater School. Because marriage was an outdated Christian institution that forced rules onto pleasure and prevented the joy of debauchery. Every room I entered I saw more and more… hate towards Marriage, towards Christianity, towards Moral Uprightness. People in wedding dresses (all genders) vomiting on them, spilling drinks on them, having sex on them. It is a good thing nobody wanted to talk to me (or noticed me) walking around that party because I wouldn’t have known what to say. An entire house filled with Binge Drinking, Random Sex, and Disrespect Towards Marriage. At that moment I thought to myself: If this is what it takes to get cast, I don’t want to be an actor anymore.

That wasn’t the last time I performed or did acting; but it was the last time I did anything with the Theater Department. I let my scholarship lapse, I changed my major to “undecided”, and cut ties with the Department completely. I went to the Communications College and got a few roles in their Social Justice Theater (discussing the history of Police, Take Back the Night, and LGBT struggles in the 1960s and 1970s.). But my Freshman Year of College was the last time I did any “official” acting. The insignificant significant was that party… when I made up my mind to go from “Acting” (for the last 15 years) to “Undecided”… and maybe, arguably, I’ve just been wondering ever since. Trying to find something I care about as much as acting. Which, looking back on that? I do care about something more. My morals, my values, my own sense of right and wrong. Which is what led me to Religion and then to the Law. It is just a damned shame that the Law I’m doing and the Law Firm I’m working for? Well… again… there are issues with my morals, my values, my own sense of right and wrong.

Fail at something you love; fail at something you hate. Then you realize you may just be a failure; but it is already too late.