TUESDAY in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Ah. Sweet sweet relief. No e-mails or phone calls or text messages from the bosses. THAT is a nice thing. I do, honestly, wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where my Text Message ringer doesn’t instantly spoil my mood. Last night, my brother and wife and mother were having a group text about Halloween for my niece. And I knew this conversation was happening. But like an automatic-conditioned response; every time the Text Message sound went off… my heart sank, I got anxious, and I couldn’t go more than 3 seconds without checking to make absolutely positively CERTAIN that it was still the conversation continuing and not my bosses. Truly, that is no way to live. And I can adopt a braggadocios stance and pretend I am tougher than I am… but the truth is… as much as “My bosses don’t control me. They don’t get to own my every minute!” I’m just putting on airs. If Chinese Boss texted me at 9 p.m. and told me that I needed to e-mail her an English Language Legal File to show the Chinese Government… I’d be angry, I’d be upset, but I’d do it.

So… while I still had the emotional reactions of lots of contact with bosses last night; none was actually to be had. Today is an Ames Day and I have a ton of Legal Aid Appointments. Which means… since clients aren’t actually paying us… each client is at least a .5 “billable”. So whether the meeting takes 10 minutes or 30; I’m charging it as 30. Which helps. I have at least 1.5 hours down for the day; I have some discovery to review carefully, and some exhibits to review. I’d be quite shocked if I didn’t bill 5 hours today. But that still doesn’t make up for yesterday. Oh well? Maybe.

My thoughts turn to the possible futures that seem less likely to be.
In one, I receive a phone call on Thursday, November 2nd from The City of Des Moines. “We like your resume and want to interview you.” The interview goes brilliantly and they tell me that they are looking to replace the Traffic and Code Attorney. I’d be in a court room every day dealing with prosecution and government policy. After I shake their hand, I walk out of the building and explode into the world’s largest smile. I insist on taking my friends out for drinks and celebration. Even imagining this scenario makes me feel free, joyful, and more confident than I’ve felt in a decade.
But of course… there is the reality problem. Nothing I imagine is ever as good or as bad as I imagine it will be. True, sometimes it is worse… but it is rarely better. So while that scenario is beautiful… I honestly see it being about as likely as if I were to sprout angel wings from my back and a prehensile tail out of my butt.
In another, this silly little Powerball thing (to count the days until bosses return) bizarrely pays off. We take the 30 year annuity and secure a life where we get at least 1 Million Dollars every year. First thing I do is I pay off my bosses’ student loans. I know. They haven’t deserved such kindness. But that is the kind of guy I am. I would pay off their student loans as a way of buying out of my contract. I would then tell Wife to quit Wal Mart immediately and select any “Employment Counselor” she could find. I would encourage them to help her find what she wanted to do with her life. While she would be doing that; I’d go back to school myself to get my teaching certificate. Then I would teach in the Des Moines Metro area. Anything from Junior High Drama to Drake Law School Criminal Law. We’d have a house, we’d still both work… but doing something we wanted to do. And we’d finally be able to take vacations and enjoy life a little. (I experience no emotional thrill from this imagining. I’ve been long trained to consider Lottery Playing to be a pipe-dream of no substance. In other words, my defenses are up when I consider lotto futures. Unlike employment futures; where I have no such defenses.)

But reality is a cruel mistress. And, as our lives have demonstrated, a rancid bitch. I won’t be getting a phone call from The City of Des Moines. I won’t be winning Powerball.

I’ll just be here.