Two Types of People in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

There are two types of people......................

People always say that; “there are two types of people”. It is true but it is not true. We are all one type: Human; and we are all millions of types… “Professional, Slacker, Burn Out, Gamer, Father, Mother, Guru, etcetera etcetera ad infinitum.” but pretending that we are easily separated into two types s easier for people.

So… with that I, too, shall pretend that there are only two types of people. And I have discovered and embraced which side of those TWO people I am. (Which is funny as I am still very Harvey Dent in so many areas).

After speaking with my bosses, it has become apparent that they are the type who will constantly want more. Case in point: My bosses want a firm based on million dollar cases every year. They want to absolutely kill themselves every year to make more and more money year after year until they’ve absolutely exhausted themselves past the point of reason.
And frankly… if I’m being forgiving… there’s nothing wrong with that. People who want to make millions every year are all over the place and that is okay.

I… am not that person. Not anymore. And I can’t be that person. And that sentence would have sent 15 year old me into an absolute tizzy! But it is absolutely true. Lets say I was 2nd chair on a few million dollar cases (perhaps a long shot) but that would be all I need. I have no intention of killing myself forever.

Now while I am framing that in a “monetary” concept it actually isn’t. Not exactly. It is about competition and competitiveness. My bosses are the type who don’t want to win; they want to dominate. They don’t want to do well; they want to be the best. They don’t want to make money; they want to make all the money.

I am not like that at all. I’ve never wanted to be THE BEST. But that stems from where I came from. In my High School, there were 90 people on the Swim Team! Now remember… in High School, Swim Team is at the same time as Basketball is at the same time as Wrestling. So, there are three sports at the same time. Swim Team was the least popular (I went to a huge school). So… there I am. Swimming the 100 Butterfly at 1:09… Varsity Level time in most of the schools in the District… but not at my High School. In my High School? That was JV Time. We had 4 Varsity Swimmers who could do the 100 Fly under a minute. Granted, the current World Record is under 50 seconds but… the first World Record (1953) was 1 minute 3 seconds. So… yeah. My High School peers were already faster than the world record holders for 1953 through 2003. So, yeah… competition with others was never a huge thing for me. I just want to swim in my lane and get better than I was the day before.

And before you say, “But you were an actor; that’s competitive!” I’ll cut you off right there. Acting isn’t competitive. Because you might be THE BEST ACTOR EVER but if you don’t look the part, you won’t get the part. So it isn’t about competition. For instance, I happen to think that Gary Oldman is one of the greatest actors alive in the world. But if I was casting a biopic of Eva Braun… I would NOT cast Gary Oldman as Eva Braun.

So I’m not the kind of guy that obsesses over being better than others. I just want to be good at what I do and do it well. That’s all I need.

So I’m not the kind of guy who kills himself year after year. I’m the kind of guy who, if I get a few million dollar pay days, I’m out of the game. I appreciate work, I like work, as a faithful Christian I acknowledge that Work is part of The Plan. But if I got a few million dollar pay days; I’d quit no problem. Go into teaching. Try to make the next generation better somehow.

So that’s the world. I work for people who have to be the top, the best, the ace; who need more money every day (more and more and more)...... but I’m not that guy. I’m the guy who wants to be good, acceptable, capable; who needs enough money to take care of things and that’s it.

I mean… I guess this rambling isn’t anything new. Yeah, I’m a betta cuck male whatever. But one of the things I’ve been thinking a lot about?

I am who I am. Work wants me to be something I’m not. Some may say “Becoming something new, different, is what life is all about.” And there is something to that. But the truth is… I hated myself for decades. Because there was never a “me.” There was THE ACTOR there was THE MUSICIAN there was THE ATHLETE… but there was never a me. I finally became a ME circa 2014. And while ME is still learning things and appreciating things.... there is also a newfound confidence in my values and identity. And I won’t sacrifice that for anything. So yeah… maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I’m self-hating. But that isn’t because I don’t like who I am. I finally like who I am. I’m self-hating because I have gotten myself into a situation (or multiple situations) where nothing seems to be going well. Where abuse is not only the every day but the every hour.

So… TLDR I guess… I know who I am. I like who I am. And I am the kind of person that doesn’t need everything. I’ve finally gotten over my greed. I don’t want everything. But I do want “enough”… which I now know a little bit more about.