Frowny face in Vulnerability

Tonight has not been a good night at all for me mentally. I wrote the previous entry at the gym whilse doing my cardio on the bike (c’mon 5 kilo, make like Copperfield and disappear!) and stupidly enough, I felt totally fine there, but as I was walking home from the gym, I was fighting back tears. The last thing I felt like doing was hanging out with Peter and letting him see me having a manic depressive episode.

I never replied to his message. I must have fell asleep at one point and woke up again around midnight or so, feeling even worse. I usually do when I fall asleep in all my clothes and haven’t brushed my teeth, plus I’d completely slept through dinner, so I got up and made a very late dinner (chicken schnitzel and veggies tonight) in an effort that if I got some nutrition into my body, I might feel a bit better.
Didn’t really work. Mind was still all over the place.
I made a status about feeling like shit and only shared it with my old ‘Open Diary’ list, then decided to be brave and open it up a little to a more broad list. The amount of privacy lists I have on facebook is a bit much, but it really goes to show how many people I trust seeing my more personal status’. My family and old religious friends can barely see any of them because of how much I hate their hatred of my sexuality.

As I was walking home, I started seriously wondering if I’m depressed and just haven’t been diagnosed. I’ve thought this fairly often over the years, but it’s so fucking hard to tell a GP that, especially since I’ve never really had a GP that I’ve felt close to. Most GP’s I see are just in-and-out-yup-you’ve-got-a-cold-here’s-a-prescription-get-out sorta thing. Certainly no Patch Adams’. It’s hard to get that rapport.

So I got home and went on to the Beyondblue website, which really is a brilliant internet tool. I once read that it was created by gay men for gay men but then again I think it’s mainly for men in general. I took the test and immediately recognized that I’ve taken it before. And I got the same result as last time, which was ‘moderately depressed.’ Then I felt bad because there are people out there who answer ‘Yes’ to the questions about not being able to face the day and such. Mine is not on that wavelength. I have these fucked-up days that I wish weren’t fucked-up days, where my mind runs a million miles an hour and I have trouble keeping up with everything going on in there, which even I don’t understand most of the time.

I read a little bit about some of the therapy’s available that are used to help treat depression and/or anxiety. Anxiety is the bitch of a thing that has put me in hospital at least three times over the course of my life, thankfully no more than that. Each time, the doctors were like, “We can’t find anything wrong,” and I was sent on my way. And it took time for me to understand that’s all it could have been. What other explanation was there?

I noticed there was this one therapy used where it tricks the brain into not overthinking things, which I do on a global scale. It encourages the subject to actually live through and experience an event rather than making up scenarios and outcomes of the event in the mind before it’s even happened. It’s basically why I never go out anymore, and barely haven’t in years. It’s why I hate talking to strangers and therefore have always found it very difficult making friends. My mind is a playground and a psychic of it’s own, predicting everything that will occur.
It gets a bit much sometimes. Especially on days like today where my brain has caught onto the tricks my mind has been playing and is like, “settle down there buddy.”

I got a few nice private messages from a few who had seen my ‘attention seeking’ status. That’s another thing, I hate making status’ like that admitting that I’m vulnerable because there are people in way worse situations than me and I just feel like shit for admitting shit that I know will go away eventually. I might as well be a fucking domino set.
A friend who is currently in London messaged me, which was kind of him. Nothing like being on vacation in a foreign land and seeing a depressive status from me lol. Luke messaged me. I know that poor kid struggles a lot himself, but he’s smart enough to go and get help. I don’t even know where to start.
But I did have a nice thought through it all. If it wasn’t for OpenDiary and Prosebox, I probably would be in a strapped-up white suit in a room with padded walls right about now.

Last updated October 28, 2017