Can I Get a Ruling in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I am coughing my guts out. Fever. Weak enough to be bowled over by a kitten.

But I am still working, still busting my ass because my bosses demand it.

Chinese Boss asks me to send stuff to someone. My notes for that case are not in Ames. I ask her what she wants me to ask for. Y’know… seeking clarification before acting… like she specifically told me to do. She comes back with “I’ll just do it then. The problem is I specifically told you what I wanted and I thought you took a note!” Then she comes back with “Will you at least have time to finish the two Drafts I asked for? You know they need to be finalized by Thursday.”

Lady… Christ’s sake. I’m busting my ass with a fever so that you guys can get things wrapped up before your China Trip. Which also means I am ignoring my clients so I can take care of your clients. If I ask for clarification on something, as you told me I should, you are not allowed to come at me. That just makes for an even more toxic environment. Seriously… the fuck.

Now she’s yelling at me because I haven’t talked to Chinese Assistant about the Drafts I’m supposed to be writing. I can’t.... I mean… I get it. She is a Type A High Stress Person and she is super stressed right now because she is (A) going back to China which means she’ll (B) see her parents and (C) be required to speak with and on behalf of the Chinese Government. I understand your stress levels. Maybe we can work on healthy ways of handling that, hrm?

And that little voice in the back of my head pops up. The one that says “You’re a failure and you’ll always be a failure.” AND HE SAYS “Every job is like this. This isn’t unique to these people. The fact that you can’t hack it just means that you aren’t cut out for the world. Why do you still try to carry on?” And the reason comes back… Because I have to. Because there is no other choice. I love my friends and I love my wife. And while I certainly don’t know what I’m going to do… while I certainly know that working for (FIRM NAME) will not continue into 2018… I don’t know how I’m going to respond/survive. But I know that I have to. Because there isn’t any other choice. I want to live in a world where Wife is happier. I want to live in a world where I am healthier. I want to live in a world where it might be possible for us to have children, or at least a DOG. I want to see my niece graduate from High School. I want to attend my single friends’ weddings. I WANT to live. So no, I am not suicidal… not really. I am just tired. Just so very tired. And I am so very tired of people who say “Come to us with questions” and then bite you for it. I am so very tired of people who say “We want you to do well here” and then push until I’m physically incapable of being upright. I am so very tired of people who say “We trust Chinese Assistant to read this instead of us” and yet Chinese Assistant (obviously) doesn’t even understand Legal Citation Rules. I don’t want to die. I just want to kill this part of my life. I don’t want to give up. I just don’t want to continue with this.