things I cannot change in 2017

4:55pm

Sunday evening. Days are shorter. Nights are long.

My mind is wandering like crazy. Not that that’s all that new but sometimes I wish I could slow it down, or make it stop for a while.

I’ve kinda been dreading going back to work. It’s always just so crazy, and stressful, and chaotic. But it doesn’t last very long and it goes by really fast. And in this particular year, I think I need the distraction. It’ll be good to focus on work and nothing but work. I won’t have time to think about anything else. At this point in time that’s probably a really good thing for me. I just need something else in my brain besides what’s been in there for so long.

It sucks that it all keeps coming back to this, but I can’t help it. Like I’m a thousand times better than I was but I’m still not sure I’m all that good.

When I went to the doc the other day I mentioned how I’ve been feeling tired all the time. Not wanting to do things and/or move very much. The first thing she asked me was if I was depressed. I said no and that I was just tired. She asked again how I was feeling emotionally, if I was feeling “centered”, and I said I thought things were fine. I mean if this were six months ago I would have definitely said I was in the midst of a terrible depression. But now? I feel ok now. For the most part.

Any thing is better than what I felt then, or what I’ve felt before. It’s easy to recognize those feelings of endless sadness. It’s also easy to recognize when you’re not in the middle of those feelings. A step above any of that feels like happiness to me. Except maybe it’s not. Maybe a lot of that stuff still lingers.

This year still feels off. I’ll blame it on the same old stuff, but honestly I’m not sure what it is. I guess I was so close to feeling like I was truly happy with myself that going backwards really threw me off.

I don’t know.
Maybe I’m just having an off day. We should probably forget I said all of this because it’ll be better tomorrow.

The Sheriff thing is bumming me out though. I don’t mean to feel this way about it. I know that if I just give it some time it won’t feel like this forever. It’s hard. Y’all know I’m terribly impatient. I don’t like waiting for things I want.

Honestly, I’m a little afraid that he is going to come back this year. Normally the prospect would be quite exciting. I definitely didn’t expect to see him again this last April. I wanted it. I hoped for it. But I did not expect it at all. So I guess that made me read way too into everything. All his words and actions. I thought that meant something. How could it not, right?!? Coming all the way out here. Well, he was already out here but putting in the effort to see me? Giving up time during his vacation? I thought that was more than it was and that was my fault. I shouldn’t have let myself get excited in that way. I knew better and I did it anyway.

Mom was talking on the phone yesterday to a family friend. I’m not sure that they’ve ever had a conversation that didn’t involve whether or not I’m dating. So I heard her start talking about some guy I’ve been talking to. I mostly tried to ignore it but then I hear, “she says they’re just friends.” Then stuff about how he keeps trying to ask me out but I don’t want to. I didn’t know who she was talking about at first until she starts talking about his job as a “machinist” and I realized it was the client. ha. Poor mother..she actually thinks there’s something there? She’s probably hoping for it at least.

Then she goes, “and there’s this other guy that’s a sheriff but I don’t know what’s going on there. They keep in touch.” And “he must like her because he drove all the way down here just to work with her this year.” She also said he was a good looking guy. haha.
All I could think was - If only that were true and I wish it was but she has no idea. It’s hard not hearing back from someone or feeling like they don’t have any desire to keep in touch. After everything. I know he has his reasons and they’re probably all really good too but that doesn’t do me any good. I don’t actually know any of these reasons! All I know is that it’s been almost two weeks and he hasn’t said anything else. He didn’t let me know if his parents were ok, or make any comments on anything I said, or tell me he’s doing ok and getting more sleep now that the fires are almost entirely contained.

See? And this is the thought process that I cannot get rid of. Over and over. The same old stuff. I’m hurt and I don’t know how to get over that. I don’t know how to move on.

I’ll feel silly looking back on this some day. The way I’ve obsessed for so long.

I think a lot of it still has to do with TF too. Lingering emotions. Parts of me that haven’t fully healed. I know that that’s making me look at the world differently. It’s certainly cast a shadow and created a bias inside of me.

There’s a part of me that feels like once I get over these currents it’s going to be really hard to meet anyone new. Or connect with anyone. I don’t know why but I feel like I’m going to have my guard way up. I’m skeptical. I’m jaded. Bitter. Broken. Maybe I was all of those things before, but they haven’t gotten any better.

It’s hard to explain what I felt. Like I met these people and I had certain feelings and I thought they meant something because they were different. I guess that wasn’t the case? I don’t think I know how to trust my gut anymore. I read back on some random entry about TF and I was so damn sure. I wanted him and nothing else and I thought we were meant to be. Happily ever after right? But I was lost…and I was wrong. And I don’t know if I can trust those feelings again. To meet someone and feel that connection to them. It’s never done me any good. It’s never gotten me anywhere. Maybe I’ve had it wrong this whole time? Maybe I’ve been searching for the wrong thing in all the wrong places. Maybe I’ve been trusting something that shouldn’t be trusted.

Or maybe it’s just the scar tissue. Covering up all the good with a faded version of itself.

Hmm…I don’t think this is where I was going with this. I got lost in thoughts and feelings. All these crazy things in my head!

I keep praying for a way to move on. To get rid of these thoughts that aren’t serving me any real purpose. I’m not sure I’ve received all of the messages I was supposed to yet but I’m learning a major lesson in patience. That’s good right? Getting an ego check too. Those two things have been lessons in themselves. And I’m still mostly failing at them. But we’ll see how it plays out right?

I meant to write something up there about how I hope that if the Sheriff does come back in April I’ll have the sense to separate my emotions/desires from reality. I should know better by then. We hope!

I want to stop holding on to things that aren’t doing me any good. In all areas. I wish I had the motivation to make myself better, but I can’t seem to find it. My physical health is deteriorating and I think it’s tied to my emotional health. I want to get better but I don’t know how. That’s why I think work will be good. Plenty of distractions and back on a routine. Just gotta make it through the holidays, right?
[I’m still debating but I think I might voluntarily skip Halloween this year. Seems like the right year for something like that…]

Ok. I’m gonna go now. I’ve rambled on for long enough. There are other things I want to go on about but I’ll save them for later.

rose.
9:23pm