wu sản in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Time moves slowly when you are slogging your way through neck deep bullshit all the time. Apparently, the last few Tuesday nights I’ve told Wife, “I can’t believe it is only Tuesday. Feels like a good three or four days since I had a break.” And every Wednesday I say, “Only Wednesday? Shit.”

The Good News: My Dad pulled through the surgery with no complications (yet). To get the EKG on him, they shaved a heart into his chest hair which is funny. He has to sleep sitting up for the next 7 days and he has a big ol’ eye patch right now. I’m hoping he recovers some vision in that eye. He just retired less than a month ago… I’d hate for that time to be ruined by losing depth perception (and other issues). Though… at the same time… it does send a loud, clear message: Living to retirement and enjoying retirement are NOT guaranteed. You can’t stay at a job that kills you with the hope that you’ll enjoy your retirement because it might not happen. Find a job that allows you to live a bit of your own life in the here and now because there may not be anything else.

Which transitions nicely to the insanity of my work. Last night 10:59 p.m. I get an e-mail from Chinese Boss. A case that we shouldn’t have taken in the first place because it is a car accident and (1) the guy SAYS he has insurance, (2) the officers say he was NOT at fault in the car accident, (3) so WHY won’t his insurance get involved in this? But whatever… Chinese guy so Chinese Boss instantly says we have to take the case… and at 10:59 p.m. she asks for an update on the case. Bitch, consider my ass asleep and/or not going to talk to you after 9 p.m. Just write that down, repeat it to yourself, and if you got a problem with it, I don’t fucking care. Just because the only thing you want in your life is your work, doesn’t mean I’m like that. And I get it, both White Boss and Chinese Boss have told me in no uncertain terms “If you work at this firm, you’d better be like that”… so are you at all surprised that you have such high turnover from “underlings?” Seriously… that crap is crazy.

Last night as I was leaving my parents’ house, though, my mom was very specifically encouraging me to stay in law. Her words were along the lines of: “Remember when you started at (Tiny Town)? They guy you replaced there had been a known unethical, lazy, disliked attorney who upset people by not doing your job. You came in there and within a few months, you had won the respect and cooperation of the Officers and others in the community. Even though you didn’t have help, you did the job and did it well. Don’t let these people take that away from you. You won your first jury trial, you’ve written two prenups without any professional guidance, you’re becoming a better lawyer every day not because of your bosses but sometimes in spite of them. Don’t let them take that away from you.” Which… is right, but difficult. Because what she is saying is… don’t let these assholes run you out of a Legal Career. Which I would love to embrace. But there are some difficult caveats to all of that. For instance, I honestly can’t stay at this job. That is a given. Either I will burn out so hardcore, I have a mental breakdown and start a career trying to sell renovated cardboard box houses to stray cats.... or I’ll get fired because there is only so much you can do to a scapegoat before you slit its throat… or I’ll get disbarred because they ask me to do something unethical and/or do something unethical and blame me for it… or I’ll have a medical event and the ensuing argument I have for needing to take care of myself will either get me fired or arrested… or the list continues. Bottom line: I can’t stay here. Sometimes I honestly think, the longer I stay here… the more likely my professional reputation is to be seriously damaged. Because if all the problems are my fault, who is going to hire me? But then… just getting a new position in the Law isn’t exactly duck soup either. It took me 2 years to get my first legal job. And that job was in a town so desperate for attorneys, they contract with people 60 miles away. My second legal job took me dozens and dozens of resumes and that ended up being this job that was mostly just looking for a warm body to beat up. So… yeah. My mom, in her wisdom and ability to know exactly what I’m feeling insecure about… is encouraging me not to give up on the law. But reality, in its cruelty and ability to fuck people financially… is laughing at my attempt to do something better.

(And in the… if you’re going to get after me about every tiny mistake, I’ll be petty too category: Firm ordered new business cards with our IA City office on them… and instead of spelling “Suite” it is spelled “Suit”. I’m sure they’ll immediately blame the printing company… and not, y’know, take responsibility for authorizing the print company to print that after reviewing what the print company sent over as a template.)

Meanwhile… EDMS is still totally down. Totally down. With some rumors that it won’t be back up THIS WEEK. Some suggesting it may take longer. SO… effectively… crippling the Attorneys of Iowa. But this is what I can’t help but think. This is what I can’t help but know. Last week, I got an absolute earful from Chinese Boss because I wasn’t hitting a consistent 20 hours a week. That isn’t accurate. What she said was that through August and September, I was steadily increasing my hours. When that trend ended last week, she was not happy. I need to do better. And this week… Mon/Tues, I only got in 7.2 hours. So, yes… that averages out to 3.6 and as I’ve said before professional attorneys tell me it can be hard to hit 4 to 5 billable hours per day… but this is Chinese Boss we’re talking about. ESPECIALLY with EDMS down, my hours for the week aren’t going to be spectacular. And she isn’t going to be happy. And I’ll get another earful. BUT not so bad that it drives me insane. Because Chinese Boss and White Boss leave for China on the 27th and they will be gone until November 12. 16 Days they will be out of the country. The very definition of… they need me. BUT THIS IS ALSO SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT BRING GLAD TIDINGS. November 13? They won’t need me as much anymore. So then shit starts to get real. And I am not looking forward to that. So I have a screaming siren of a deadline to find some salvation by November 13. Unless I’m just… being over dramatic and unreasonable.