Saturday in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

A long day by my lonesome.
I was going to take the dog out for a BIG OL walk; but it rained ALL DAY and the dog is VERY much not a fan of lightning and thunder.

So… just me and the dog and video games today.

And I kept thinking about two things.

(1) All my life I only wanted to be one of two things.... either an Actor or a Lawyer. I decided to skip the acting thing because it was a lot of time commitments with no pay. Surprise surprise, law was the same thing.

(2) All my life, I knew that I was a Sexual Being. I didn’t have sexual intercourse. Even at my most attractive, most virulent, most physically pleasing… I abstained. Because I knew… I knew that it would be more meaningful to have that kind of relationship with my wife and my wife only. Wrong again, I suppose. The romance, the meaning, the passion of my “sacrifice”? Meaningless.... pointless.... completely unimportant. Easily discarded. Sex once a month is asking too much… sex once every other month is asking too much.

So that is my existence. I have an amazing family… I’ve been given many opportunities that are unique and special. And many, many things in my life are “right.”

But my Job and my Sex Life… are broken. And they’ve been broken. And either by nature, by fate, by choice, or by destiny… those are two things I’ve been unable to change. Well… perhaps not unable but… besides being the kind of obstinate asshole that takes his medicine when he fucks up… I’m also the kind of person that doesn’t cut and run easily. So… I stay with my wife… whom I love… though I have zero physical relationship with. So I stay with my job… because I can’t find another job.

My life isn’t terrible. But I have a job that doesn’t pay me… that doesn’t give me health insurance… that doesn’t fulfill me in any way. And my relationship with my wife is based exclusively on emotion and intellect with a perfect absence of the physical.

I don’t want a perfect life. I’m not that greedy or naive. But I’ll never have a perfect life. This constant physical pain that assails me on a permanent 24/7 basis makes sure of that.

But a job that pays the bills? A relationship that involves physical affection? I just… why is that asking too much?