Need to Write in 2017

Well, Chicago weather has finally realized its fall. Its my favorite season. Colors, sweaters, bonfires, cocoa. Bring it on. Im not one of the pumpkin spice crazed people though. That, I could take or leave. I’ll be volunteering in Fiona’s class for the Halloween party, and I have not one but TWO halloween leggings to choose from AND a mystery pair arriving soon that will be either Nightmare Before Christmas or Disney Villains. Yay. Leggings better never go out of style. They were my favorite pregnant, and they are still my favorite now.

Ah pregnant. My elephant in the room. October is BabyLoss Awareness Month. You know, in case I wasnt already aware enough. (snarky, I know). I cant even say I was too aware before this year. Recently I’ve been stewing on some anger towards the woman who hit my car the Tuesday before Ivy died. My focus was too much on things revolving around the accident, and not enough on my baby. Fcuk. But its useless stewing.....nothing brings Ivy back to me.

I want to experience another pregnancy.

Matt and I had a therapy session last week. It was helpful to hear him speak. Gave me a glimpse into his brain. I cant help but think there is a better pharmaceutical combo for his brain....but for now its a wait-see since it is tough to tell what is behavioral versus a result of being off the drugs. We talked a bit about love languages and gained insight on what each others were. It was interesting to me how much he brought up work in the session, but that also gave me perspective. Work gets a lot of the best parts of him, and then the trickle down barely makes it to me before he is empty with nothing to give. I think he is aware, and I have seen efforts to make that change. A little bit goes a long way.

This past Sunday I visited my cousin and baby Addison. The entire hour I was there I snuggled this new, beautiful boy. And it was okay. I noticed my body was more tense than usual, but otherwise seemed fine. The remainder of that day I fought anxiety, got lost going to a familiar place, and was more scatter-brained than usual. It took only a minute to realize the emotions linked to holding this tiny boy. The second baby since holding Ivy. (The first happened about a month after Ivy was born). I have been missing her more than ever these past few days, BUT I also feel like snuggling babies can be a good form of exposure therapy. Each time (in theory) should leave less of an impact on my day.

And there I go, straight back to the creep that wants to hold everyones’ babies. ;)