Monday, Again. in Your Face

The Registrar that works downstairs from me told me he was retiring, and would not be back after today. I was so sad about that. I cried, just a little.

Work was okay. Busy enough.

Came home and mother was not here. Good. Brother was, though. Not so good.

Microwaved my canneloni, a pouch of vegetables. Ate maybe half.

I am officially down to my last $5.00, and that is on a pre-paid Mastercard. I have plenty of food, though. I had $20 credit from my Fly Buys points, so I had bought some frozen meals and vegetables with that.

Barely spoke with M today. He was online when I got up, but I didn't get to talk to him again. I miss him, but I realise I am a smothering moron when we are apart. I think it's the time difference that makes it so hard. I finish work at 5pm, which is 1am for him. He can't stay up all hours to talk to me. If I could come home and talk to him, I would be a lot calmer, but it feels like snatching every possible moment with him, and that makes me a bit nutty and desperate.

It's cold and windy tonight, so I put on my old brown boots for a trot out to the garden shed (wearing my shortie pyjamas, nonsense). I bought those boots about 7 years ago, and used to share them with my sister. The best way to describe them would be lumberjack boots. I haven't worn them in at least 5 years, mostly because I think it's ridiculous to get around in them in this climate, even in the winter. But, I think they will finally get use when I go the US. It snows a little in Santa Fe in the winter, and I plan to wear them then. I will have to get proper boots, because these ones are faux suede above the ankle and will get wet, but they will do in the meantime. I am actually a little bit excited about that, thinking that I will be wearing them in a few months in the US, with M and Ernie.

Must get boots for Ernie, too.

It has been 2.5 weeks now since M left. Still not feeling great, but I am on the way. Part of the problem is having no control over the situation. When M was here, I was the one earning the money. I sorted out problems for us. Now, he is in another country, and I am here, and I don't have a visa. After 3.5 years, I have to turn around and completely rely on him again. Rely on him finding work, without being able to meddle. When I first went over there to be with him, it was a similar situation. I had no income and relied on him for every single thing. But I was so naive and went over there blind, throwing myself at the mercy of someone who was almost a stranger. I am thankful that things worked out the way they did, because it could have been an awful experience. I haven't enjoyed being the one to shoulder the responsibility for two, but I did it because this is a partnership, and it had already been demonstrated to me that it was a two way street.

I need to accept that I am in the back seat for this chapter. M is more than capable of finding work, and he wants me there just as badly as I want to be there. I need to trust in him and just focus on getting myself through this period, saving money and avoiding bad decisions.

I think I am going to try to get to bed early. I keep waking at god awful hours to see if M is around online.