conflict in Random Thoughts

i have an entry brewing, but life has been so busy that it may come in spurts.

First off, i started taking adderoll for ADD symptoms (possibly). It’s something i’ve suspected for years, my mind is so disorganized. I need to document how things feel in my body so i can reflect over whether there is a significant change and whether the side effects are something i can handle.

I’d love it if someone asked me along the way, at any time. Just a gentle reminder.

I’ve been seeing someone new, Clay. It’s a very, very interesting experience. What i think and feel is something i haven’t shared with anyone, and i really would like to. If anything, to get the thoughts and feelings out into the world. Those thoughts and feelings become more tangible, almost more real, when the migrate from brain to reality.

Almost like with Ian, Clay is like an experiment in therapy- or maybe more than therapy- an experiment in communication and lovingkindness in how i feel and react toward someone, how i feel toward myself.

I think to really get it out, i need more than this 10 minutes at the end of my prep period. Maybe i will talk about who he is, first.

Clay is 10 years older than me, in software development. He writes code for cloud services. Raised in Nashville, he has a lovely southern accent. Accordingly, as one might expect, he is polite, sweet, attentive. Clay is fairly recently sober, 2 years, with one lapse in between. He moved to Portland from the Bay Area to get away from his vices. He regularly goes to AA meetings. He says that he used to keep all the emotions away and not deal with the tough stuff.

That makes me feel like he is still an emotionally nascent being. Not to mean that in a derogatory way. Just a statement.

Clay has a much different temperament than i, which is where some of the conflict comes into play. Something about him brings out fears....maybe not the most correct word.... biases.... something about him brings out some old stories i used to tell.

Well, its about time for me to go. More to come.