october 3 in 2017

lately i’ve been trying to be less of a bleeding, open heart. less of a book that’s been left wide open, the pages torn. i miss the girl i used to be - the one with ambition and a lot of dreams and plans. i miss trying too hard to be poetic on saturday nights after drinking a bottle of pink wine. strangely enough i miss high school volleyball. the feeling of getting up at sunrise and wearing tennis shoes. running through the wet grass in the humid mornings, just before the day started to heat up.

most of the time hindsight is 20/20 but i think mine has rose colored glasses on. i was just as lonely at 16 as i am now at 23. i just forget about how it felt sometimes.

i find myself missing the me i used to be before i was in a relationship. as a girlfriend i think i’m caring and understanding most of the time but some days i don’t feel like i’m anyone or anything but a girlfriend. and i don’t like that. some days i want to be on my own and thinking about if i like a guy or not and not having to worry about the consequences if i go out and have fun. i like where i am in my life (most days) but i think i might have lost myself a little.

i think it all started when i began to have unrealistic expectations from everyone. my feelings feel like they are hurt all the time now. i forget that every human is just selfish - and that’s okay because it’s human and i’m selfish too.

there’s something wonderful about the feeling of missing something; particularly missing a past time or experience in your life. it feels warm and nostalgic and sad but hey, at least you lived through it. you miss it because you felt it.

want is completely different. i WANT to be different. i want to be a woman that’s bold, confident, radiant, and beautiful. but i’m not. i want to be someone who’s self-esteem isn’t wrecked every day over something stupid. i want to be skinny. i don’t want to be scared. i don’t want to be jealous and uncomfortable with who i am.

and want is scary because it involves changing something about who you are or where you’re at. that’s the hardest thing. but i guess that’s life? once i succeed with all of my wants and hopes then more of them just pop up out of the ground like little flowers after the snow completely melts and spring has begun. deep down i know i’ve always been the same girl. and change is a good thing. for now i plan on putting away my bleeding heart, not exposing it for everyone to see. i plan on not feeling sorry for myself. if i can show the world that i’m actually tough and resilient and happy, then i’ll start to believe it too.