Somethings Never Change in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

After talking with Wife and my Father… I really want to go after this job. By the end of the day, come hell or high water, I will have submitted my application. I checked my work contract and the only qualification was that I “not solicit for a period of 2 years any former clients or former staff members for the purposes of a new legal enterprise.” So… I’m clear on that front.

As exciting as this opportunity is? Well, let me amp it up a bit more.
I was talking to my Dad. It is good enough to get out of Private Firm for all of the reasons. The long and unforgiving hours; the absolute shit pay; the zero health insurance. But then… spin it to what the Opportunity offers. MORE money than Tiny Town. Better insurance than Tiny Town. A retirement plan. 11 Paid Holidays. 2 Weeks Vacation.

The Opportunity is better than Private (by a fucking long shot) and better than Tiny Town Job (considerably) and in the town Wife and I love.

So… with that being said… as exciting as this opportunity is? I was quick to couch it with reality.

Remember when I was trying to get hired before? How I did resume after resume and interview after interview? Yeah. As exciting as this is… as much of an absolute dream position as it is? I still need to approach it honestly. There could be a million reasons why I wouldn’t get this position. Perhaps this is one of those times where they want to hire an Intern they have already selected… but as a Government Job they are required to list it for 30 days. After all, the Job Openings list does say that the City is looking for an Assistant City Attorney and a Legal Intern so that is extraordinarily likely. But it would also be… kind of a cruel trick. Though, that tracks. Life playing cruel tricks. It would certainly track. This potential dream employment opportunity, that would solve a huge amount of my scheduling and financial and insurance concerns, coming at the exact time when I needed it most only for it to not pan out? That is the kind of Super Saiyan kick to the balls I expect of life these days. So… I’m praying. Hardcore. Because when I told Wife about this opportunity? You could see relief wash over her face; then suddenly get replaced with her stern look of determination not to get excited. Because while having insurance and (actually) getting paid would allow her to leave Wal Mart without a second thought… she didn’t want to get excited in case it doesn’t work out. But still? She was more like the Wife I married last night. The idea that she didn’t have to feel trapped at Wal Mart. And I know I’m quick to take the blame for things but… when we got married… I had no income and no insurance. I was a law student. So, her feeling like she had to stay at Wal Mart made sense. When I moved us to Tiny Town; she knew that without at least keeping Wal Mart on a part time basis… the tiny nature of the area would drive her insane without a job. Now that I moved us back here… I make less than she does, doing a job that is more stressful, working longer hours, and with no health insurance. So… I get it.

But honestly? Think about it. A job where I’d be making money. A job where I’d have health insurance. A job where I’d be working for the government again. A job where I wouldn’t be called on a Thursday night to be told that I need to meet a client 3 hours away first thing on Friday morning. I guess this is The Test. If I get called in for an interview and have a shot? Maybe life is finally on an upswing. If my resume gets thrown in the bin and I never hear from these people? That will be the absolute proof that maybe my life just isn’t supposed to work out.

Though, it does remind me of an old thing I used to say. Hope is as integral to torture as despair. People can adjust to just about anything. Despair, over a long enough period, can even be tolerated with a bleak, abysmal sort of numbness. So if despair is ever going to be part of torture, it needs to be weighed against hope. Periodically, the subject must be lifted up… given hope… given something to look forward to.... because then they have something else you can take away. Even if the hope was illusory. Even if it was impossible… like “I’ll let you go if you memorize Shahrazad’s Tale in its original language.” Give the subject hope; you give yourself a new way to hurt them.

God, please. I can’t keep working at Private Firm. You helped guide me to an opportunity that, on its face, looks to solve so many issues. Please help me secure this. Please don’t allow this to be an example of cruelty.