close enough in Random Thoughts

Lately my spirit has had a more tentative connection with my physical body than usual.

Acupuncture, tantra workshop, my first Buddhist meeting, meditation even… all of these have been putting me into a quiet, contemplative, loosely connected, heart open, emotionally vulnerable space.

EDIT

Well, i meant to edit yesterday, but i did not have the time. School teacher life has kept me so very busy that sometimes i dont even step outside from 7:30 to 3:00.

A few things i have been thinking about lately:

• don’t retell the same story all the time, just be done with whatever the story is and move on.

In the same vein,

• know that whatever story you tell yourself can be changed, you don’t have to stick with it.

My job is to tell the story the fewest number of times needed. Once or twice to relieve frustration, then once or twice to help me reframe it and change it (basically see and respond to the situation with lovingkindness). From here, let it go and not dwell. When stories dwell, they become part of who we perceive as self.... when self is within and has nothing to do with our experiences, whether good or bad.

Does this make sense?

I’ve been slowly reading an annotated version of The Bhagavad Gita, probably since last spring when i went to a yoga and meditation retreat. Here is a stanza i read this morning:

They live in freedom who have gone beyond the dualities of life (pleasure/pain, success/failure, etc), and who never compete. They are alike in success and failure and content with whatever comes to them

The parenthesis are my own addition, just for clarification if needed.

I think peoples’ perception of an eastern tradition of spirituality if they have one, is a sense of detachment- and this stanza may feel like it is asking you to be detached. That’s not the case, but i am not sure if i can really explain it very well.

It’s like this:

“If there were no difficulties, you would be skimming the surface of life.”

I’ve read versions of this idea in a few places, and really subscribe to it. Our society is so focused on the happy, the success, all the positives…to the point where anything that is not on that scale is rejected or seen as wrong. But, how can we even find those positive places unless we experience the totality of the spectrum? Not just extreme failure, but all the points in between. Not just your heart ripped out and thrown on the floor, but all the small heartbreaks we experience when we see our friend’s kitty has died, or a family standing on the corner in need of money, a home, food.

I don’t mean to be preachy. A little bit came out. Of course, its all part of just expressing.

Another thing i’ve been thinking about a little bit is vocabulary. I don’t know if its the group of people i spend my socializing time with (very much woo-woo/new agey, out there, liberal, weird Portland types), or if some of these terms are just becoming more ubiquitous in general, but ..... whenever someone says, “this space is a container for expressing your authentic self” or “we are creating a container of safe space” …

All i can think of is a bucket! Whenever someone uses the work container, i hear BUCKET.

Another term that gets me, is “showing up.” As in, i appreciate you really “showing up” for me when i was dealing with that heartbreak/work stress/etc. What does that mean to you? Is everyone using it the same way or with the same understanding?

Yes, perhaps i am living in a little bubble where people have the privilege to have (think they have?) moved beyond the basic first steps of Maslow’s hierarchy (psychological needs, safety needs, belongingness and love needs, esteem needs) and feel as if they are working on self-actualization needs.

I promise to always question this. I promise to always remember that it is a privilege to be able to do the inner work of finding peace and being able to be a wellspring of love and compassion for others, to be able to sit here in a cabin by the ocean and have this conversation with myself and with you. With compassion and lovingkindness i will (learn to) question myself and others.

Perhaps i am being string of conscious right now. I don’t mind. It’s been such a long time since i’ve written and it feels good to get some thoughts out, without spending all my time talking about what i have been doing or what has been done to me (no judgement here, promise).

In this stillness, i love to be alone.

The barrier between my skin and the air is porous. Like the boundary between my physical body and the world has been blurred.

Maybe its a hidden tumor pressing on something in my brain, making me feel like i am having spriritual or mysical sensations.

Silly me.

Last updated September 16, 2017