This weekend sucked. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my best friend was here this weekend and she said that she was going to stay the night, help with baby and we are going to hang out the entire time she was here. Well, we hung out for about 2 hours and then was supposed to go to a bar Saturday night and low and behold, never heard back from her. I had left my stroller in their pickup because I didn’t have room in my car so her husband brought it by yesterday and said that I guess they had to wait for someone to bring her kid or some shit so they just stayed and drank at his Mom’s. I was pissed because she could have even text me saying that’s what happened and I could have even drove out there and had even 1 beer. I wasted the entire week being so excited to see them and have a social outlet other than my job, and yeah still hung out by myself at home with my kid.

I decided to message BD’s sister because I wanted to let them know just because me and him don’t talk, I didn’t want them to be excluded from my daughter’s life. Well, she asked me to call and we talked on the phone for about an hour. We had plans for me to bring the baby today so I message her at 4:30 and she said she had to go pick up kids and never heard back. I’m pissed because she was so excited for us to come and then I got ditched yet again. Twice in one fucking weekend!!

Honestly, I think once I accept that I’m completely on my fucking own my life is going to get a lot easier. There’s no point in trying to have any kind of social outlet because plans always fall through because NO ONE REALLY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME OR MY KID!!! I think from now on when I don’t have to work, I’m just going to stay home with kid, turn off my phone, and just be as invisible as I possibly can. It’s just crazy how fucked up my situation is no matter what I do so I’m seriously just done trying.

BD messaged my friend today saying he went down to the courthouse and filled out paperwork for to sign over his rights but still pay CS. This hurts in so many ways because it’s just another reminder how I’m a single Mom and that’s clearly never going to change. We got the DNA results back and as predicted, he IS THE FATHER! He’s talked about signing over his rights the entire time I was pregnant and I honestly believe that he never wanted the responsibility of being a Dad regardless.

I know that he says a lot of shit just to get attention so I am taking this with a grain of salt but if I do get paperwork stating he wants to sign over his rights, I’ll allow it. I’m not going to beg him to be a Dad and that’s that. I know that even if I tried to reach out to him, it would be the same thing of him just wanting to fight and argue so I’m not going to waste my energy.

Yeah so I finally crashed yesterday from never getting any sleep. I honestly am going to be so happy when my baby sleeps through the night because it’s wearing me down never getting enough sleep. I honestly got super lightheaded yesterday at the grocery store and I think it’s because of sleep deprivation. It’s just so hard to get enough sleep and when I get off work, it takes me a long time to unwind and then I get pissed at myself because when she’s sleeping, I could be sleeping and a lot of the time, I’m wide awake.

I truly am completely on my own. My family won’t make any effort no matter how much I try, BD’s family has proven they really don’t care, and no one has even asked to come over and see her. I’ve honestly never felt so alone in my entire life. I knew it was going to be this way but it doesn’t make it any easier. I just have to keep doing what I’m doing for my daughter but some days, I really struggle. I have 2 different girls that watch her while I work but I always worry about them bailing out on me and then not having a sitter. I’m going to try and get daycare assistance but then I’d have to work in the daytime. I’ll probably work on that tomorrow though.

Been thinking about the whole school thing. I could go to school online and would be able to get a stipend and I may do that because then my daycare worries are over and I won’t miss out on anything with my child. School starts again in November so I have some time to think about it still.

I remain grateful for what I have but I just wish I had some support. I wish I had someone who would take her even for a couple of hours once in a while so I could get a break to just sleep. I wish everything could be so different but I think once I totally get used to my life the way it is, I’ll be okay.

Goodnight.