Wednesday Morning in New Diary

Well I am u0 and faced with another day. I will not let depression and anxiety ruin this day. I have tooo many things good in my life to let that shit happen. Always remember the positives. 1 I have a nice apartment. 2 I have money for meds. 3 I have food to eat and clothes to wear. 4 II am in fairly good physical health. 5 I have the best friend of my life in Chocolatechip,. 6 I have a worker that comes in and cleans for mem 7 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways. 8 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 9 I have plenty of books to read. 10 I have an SSI and Social Security check. 11 I have health insurance I am truly blessed and I do not take my blessings for granted.

I made to my therapy appointment. I had a good session. I explained to my therapist that I had a hell of a weekend. I told him about trying to pay my credit card. I said I set up a new method of payment. Instead of using a debit card I set it up where the company could take it out of checking. I said I submitted t he payment. Right away I started to worry. All kinds of thoughts got into my head. Mainly I was thinking that they would not get the money I told him I got very, very anxious thinking about it.

He was very good. He asked me what was the worst thing that could have happen. I said they would charge a late fee or something. He said most likely nothing would happen. I said a normal person would just make the payment and forget about it. I am not normal. I worry about the craziest and stupidest things and that causes anxiety. He reminded me that I really have nothing to worry about. I said that I know the payment went through I checked it Saturday and it showed a zero balance. The purchases I made Friday for groceries and books didn’t show up yet.

I said I was very anxious Saturday. Anxiety was through the roof. Worrying really got the best of me. I told him I laid on the couch most of Saturday morning. I was talking about Chocolatechip I said we had a misunderstanding Friday. I was telling him we were not speaking Saturday. I was thinking about that and my experiences in Wal Mart Friday. He asked about the status of our relationship. I said we are good friends now.

Then we talked about that for a little bit. He asked if I was happy with just being friends with her. I said yes. He asked what was the big difference. I said we don’t spend as much time together. We used to eat supper together and share groceries. We do not do that anymore. I said I miss her a lot when she was not around. But we talk a lot on FB and I l like doing that.

We talked a little bit about bills. He asked me how much was my credit card payment. I said $341 something. Then he asked about the Comcast bill. I said $153 He said that was a bit high. I said that was for phone, internet and cable. He said would it be less if I got less channels. I said they sell them by the package. They told me this was the cheapest package they had. I said they are rip off artist

I got kind of defensive about the finances. I spend a lot of money with Comcast and Barnes and Noble. But I live within my means I said. I said I always have money for rent and cable. I pay my bills on time every time. I always have money for food and meds. I said I think I am doing pretty good with my money.

I talked with him about the suicide ideations I was having on Sunday. He wanted to know if I had any plans made up. I said no I was telling him I get tired of dealing with this depression and anxiety. Anxiety was terrible over the weekend. I was almost at the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. He was telling me that suicide is not the answer. I told him I called the on call number Sunday night. He said that was good. I said I would never act on those thoughts. I have a great fear of death and what would happen to me. I said I want to be around for as long as possible. But I still get those damned thoughts when I am severely depressed.

We talked for about an hour. I felt a lot better after talking to him. After the session we stopped at Gumby’s I got my cigars for the month. I bought three cartons of Deans . Then I got home I was glad to get home.

I called Chocolatechip when I got home. I said I am ordering subs from Fox’s tonight and would buy her one. She came up and we had a nice afternoon together. We ordered around 3 and had a good supper. We did not have any dishes to do. e

I watched the evening news and Jeopardy. I went to bed after that.

I had a very good day yesterday. Life is good