Monday Morning in New Diary

I was having thoughts of suicide yesterday. They were fleeting and passed. I was thinking some very bad thoughts. Mostlly I thought that I was no good and a complete failure. I was thinking that it is so hard for me to get by and it is not going to get any better. Nothing is going to get better Then the suicide thoughts came in I was thinking I might as well end it all now.

To make matters worse I think Chocolatechip is seriously pissed off at me. She left me a note the other day and I felt very bad. I didbn’t see her or chat with her until the end of the day. Our chat was very brief. Something is going on there and I am rather afraid to find out.

I coped with the depression by reading. I got lost in a very good history book. I read most of the day. I felt better after I finished. I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. Then I fixed a tv dinner I watched the news and then laid on my couch.

I called Healthways 24 hr. hotline. I was telling the guy about the thoughts I was having today. He asked me if I would ever act on them. I said no. I was telling him about the problems I was having with my former girlfriend. I was saying I do not know what to do about that anymore I said we broke up a couple months ago. We were talking but not it is back to not talking. He said sometimes you need patience. He was not much of a help. I told him that I see my therapist Tuesday. He said that was good. Then we said our goodbyes.

I didn’t feel much better after our conversation,. I still felt like a complete failure. I still felt like shit. I laid on my couch and hugged a pillow I soon fell asleep.

I wish I could say it is good to be alive. I wish to hell I can pull myself out of this shitty mood. I wish I didn’t have these damned thoughts about being a worthless failure. I get thinking like this and these damned thoughts take on a life of their own. Sometimes it is pure hell when I get in this state. When I am thinking like this I feel exhausted and drained. It is a very bad state to be in and very dangerous

Well it is Monday. This is a new day. I could work on getting a new attitude,. But I probably will just get through the day. Life really does suck.