lacrime di un pagliaccio in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

This weekend was… not as expected.
I was supposed to go play Dragon Lance on Saturday at 1. I was going to have to leave early because of my boss’ birthday party (yes, it seems work wants to claim EVERY Saturday).
I woke up at 2 p.m! I mean… I know I’ve been exhausted lately (what with only getting 4 hours of sleep average) but damn! So I texted them, apologized, and said I wouldn’t be able to make it.

Two hours later, I’m supposed to be getting ready for my boss’ birthday party when several thoughts go through my head.
(1) I don’t think I ever officially RSVP’d
(2) It’s my fucking Saturday. Granted this is a “party” but the last thing I want to do is spend more non-billable hours on a Saturday with or for the fucking firm!
(3) I don’t want to get her a present. I mean… I get it. Financially, I’m probably better squared right now. They have 2 people with Law School debt and they just got a mortgage; plus they are investing in this business by having property in three different cities and hiring a staff. Meanwhile, Wife and I have no debt but we also have (basically) no income. So it is what it is.

SO I decide not to go to the party. If that bothers the Bosses… fire me. At this point, I dare you to.

But all of this happened for a reason. Wife came home from work just… totally broken. Totally broken. Crying, unable to function. Uncertain of how she’ll survive the week at her job, let alone a month or more. But knowing that without her job, we don’t have insurance and we both take medication daily that we need. Plus, she is starting therapy on Friday and we need insurance for that. But how she hates her job and how her job is taking the life and joy out of absolutely everything in her life. But that she is happy to have me at home because it gives her something to look forward to. Just someone that she can be with. So… seriously (seriously, seriously) she is more and more miserable and fucked up about this whole Wal Mart thing all the time.

Then last night, I’m sitting there… cuddling with the Wife because she’s just so happy to have her home life going okay while her work life is causing her such grief. And all I can think about is how desperately I don’t wish to go into work myself. And… that was knowing that White and Chinese Bosses would be out of town all day. Knowing that they were not going to be there. Still, I just… had this epic feeling of dread.

And when I went to court today… I watched a Prosecutor training another prosecutor. Training! Like… the exact style and kind I wanted as a prosecutor… the exact style and kind I want now! AND it is happening. Because here the Prosecutors get training. As opposed to where I was a prosecutor. And it brings everything back. OF COURSE I don’t want to do my job. OF COURSE. Because I want to be a prosecutor. That is why I went to law school. THAT is why I decided to become a lawyer. Because I wanted to be a prosecutor. And so, this absolute self-hate and job-loathing stems from knowing I’m doing the exact REVERSE of what I got into the law to do. I’d rather take $12 an hour (and insurance) fighting for the state; then take $14.50 an hour (without insurance) fighting against the state. No wonder I’m miserable at work. I’m not being authentic to what I want to do with my life. Though… it isn’t like there are oodles of options. The most recent County Attorney Job listing was at the beginning of May… in a county twice the size of (but just as remote as) tiny town. Before that was a job listing for something just as small as Tiny Town AND even more remote! So… if I want to live near family and friends… if I want to try to make life better for my Wife… I just have to suck it up, I guess. Be miserable at work by betraying my heart and soul… and hope I make money doing it.

Fuck it.