Saturday Morning in New Diary

I am up and above the dirt. I had a really bad day yesterday. I felt very anxious in the evening. I had a hard time settling down for the night. I laid on my couch hugging a pillow and eventually fell a sleep.

I think I am going stir crazy. I haven’t been out of my apartment all week. Being home all the time usually doesn’t bother me. For some reason it bothered me yesterday. I started thinking about how broke I am and have no way to get out . I sort of felt trapped in my own home. I was thinking like this and I felt very, very anxious. I tried listening to music on the oldies channel and that didn’t help much. Finally I just said the hell with it and laid down on the couch.

My morning wasn’t so good either. I was so hungry. I ended up fixing a tv dinner . I ate supper round 9. I felt a little bit better Then my worker came. I had a good time with her. WE were talking about different things. She was telling me she is going to Pittsburgh today, There is this huge store that sells witchcraft stuff. I swear I think she is into some very weird shit. She was telling me there are good witches and bad witches. She is a huge fan of Stevie Nicks and she is supposed to be into witchcraft. Anyways we were talking about that

She was also talking about this other client in the building. His name is Tom. He was telling her that he had an IQ of 160 She said he buys and sells coins and whatever money he makes is not reported. He was supposed to have operated a strip club at one point. I said I think he is full of shit. She sort of agrees with me on that one.

Well worker came and went. I felt pretty good after she left. I finished reading that one book I was on. I tried getting into the second volume but for some reason couldn’t get into it. My mood started to go down again in the afternoon. I had called Healthways Thursday morning about a possible ride on the first. I wanted somebody to take me to the bank, Wal Mart and Gumby’s. They never called me back and I started thing how am I going to get my cigars for next month. I felt kind of bad that Healthways never called me back about a ride. I kept thinking about that and I guess that was what made me sort of depressed and anxious.

I remember the times I used to walk. I used to walk all the way downtown Weirton almost every day. I remembered the time when I was pretty well self sufficient and didn’t need anyone to take me places. Now I can’t do that anymore and I have become very dependent on Healthways and my worker . It looks like they will not be able to help me next month. I felt kinds of bad that I did not have anyone else who could help me with transportation. I kept thinking about this and I got very depressed and anxious thinking that I was getting older and can’t do the things I used to take for granted.

Then I was thinking about getting older and older. This always makes me depressed. I was wondering how many more good years I have left. At the rate I am going I was thinking not too many. I thought about ending up in a nursing home and that scared the shit out of me. I don’t want to go to a nursing home. I will be stuck in there and nobody will come to visit me I will be alone just waiting to die. I would much rather die in my apartment I was saying to myself.

Anyways I was thinking all of this shit and more so no wonder I got depressed and anxious. I try not to dwell on this shit because there is no point. Whatever will happen will happen and it is out of my control. Best thing I can do is make the most out of each day and appreciate the time I have now. It does not do me any good thinking about the past or worrying about the future. This is what I try to do but yesterday I slipped up and ended up in a very bad place.

Well today is a new day. I am determined to be more positive. I’m going to get lost in good history book and not think about any of this crap. Life is good and it is too short to be miserable.