Here I go again... in Since OD is shutting down....

My family is a fucking joke, they always have been. All they’ve ever done is make me feel like it’s my job to help them, even if it means me going without. I’ve been on my own for 11 years and they don’t help me whatsoever. They wait until I truly need help and that’s when they’ll swoop in and take full advantage. I go broke having anything to do with them and that’s going to stop now that I’m a parent. I seriously can’t afford to have a relationship with them. It’s really costly because they are always asking for some kind of help and they have no regard that I have a child now and her Dad isn’t in her life and is NEVER going to help financially!

I found out today that when he went through my phone when I was having my daughter that he had found a conversation between me and some guy trying to get with me and has actually gone as far as messaging him! The guy never responded but I’m super upset because this guy comes into my work from time to time and I don’t need him telling anyone my personal shit! I really don’t think he will but I’m still going to worry about it. I’m also upset because I have a Protection Order against him and he’s violated it because him contacting that guy is 3rd party contact!!

Anyways, I never did get a nap today so I’m gonna try and go to bed soon. I already feel guilty about tomorrow because I have to work so that means she’s gotta go to daycare. I just hate being away from my baby but we’re always a lot busier in the evenings so work will go fast and I won’t be there for as long as when I did day shift. I really just wish this situation could be different where my family could be a part of her life without wanting anything in return and her Dad could actually be a good person where I could trust leaving her with him! I wish I didn’t have to work so I didn’t have to be away from her but bills aren’t going to pay themselves.

Life is so much harder when you have a child. It’s a lot harder than I ever imagined but I just keep in mind it will get easier once I get used to having her in daycare and me being at work. Plus, she won’t stay little forever and at some point she’ll be holding her own bottle and then start crawling, walking, talking and that’s why I just want to enjoy her being a baby. I just wish I had anyone here I could count on for emotional support! I knew things with my family were going to be this way. I just think it’s bullshit that I won’t hear from them for months at a time and then I finally make effort just to be used and taken advantage of. This shit will never change and I know as long as I stay here, I’ll never stop trying with them.

It just really sucks that I don’t have any friends here. No one that I can really hang out with or open up to. No one here knows my situation because I just don’t feel comfortable telling anyone and I’ve done that before and I’m always sorry for it later. My BD has put me in such a shitty spot and I fucking hate him for it.