checkday in New Diary

I am getting out of my apartment after two weeks. Things should go ok.I have everything planned. Girlfriend and I have transportation arranged. We are headed to the bank where we will get our checks. Then we will be going to the city building where I will get bus tickets. Then we will be going to Wal Mart where I will get some much needed household items. We will be going home then it is out to Gumby's where we will be getting cigarettes. Everything, even how much money I will be spending, is planned down to the letter. But and despite the fact that I've been looking forward to this shopping expedition for two weeks, I woke up feeling a lot of anxiety.

I keep thinking the best laid plans often and will go wrong. Transportation will get screwed up. Something terrible such as a robbery or shooting incident will happen at Wal Mart. I keep thinking I will screw up on my budget and not have enough money to pay my bills. I keep thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts about something bad happening I know these thoughts are irrational but they are very hard to refute and replace. Bottom line is I think I just do not like going out and being around people because I always feel so very uncomfortable.

I really don't know why I am like this. But I think I am happiest when I'm at home with my girlfriend. She is a wonderful woman. We joke a lot and play cards or listen to music on the computer. When I'm at her place we will watch tv. I really feel good when I am with her. Also, I like being by myself a lot of times. I would sit in front of my computer and read history books or watch something on Netflix. Isolating myself all the time is not good because that causes a lot of psychological problems. But the thought of going out and being around people also causes problems. Hell I get worked up just thinking about it.

But, I have to face my fears. I have to face responsibilities such as paying bills It is in my own best interest to go out and take care of these things. I also tell myself that that things will not go wrong. I tell myself that we can have a good time shopping at WM and might even talk to some nice people. For every bad thought I tell myself that something good could happen instead. I refute the irrational thoughts with positive self talk. A couple hits of nicotine also works wonders.

The weather is in our favor. It is not going to be so bitter cold. Temperature is going to be in the 3o's today. We are in for some snow but that will not be until the evening. So compared to what has been going on previously today will be good.

I feel better already. Life is good.