Sept. in The Wonderland Years: 2007: transferred over from FOD

‘6th

so.....bleeeeeeh. not doin too well. there’s too much goin on. A friend of mine and I, well, we still have things to work out. Seems she’s in a totally new place in her life...........and well if she doesn’t want to help me then so be it. Ok I’m sorry. I know how mean that sounded. And for anyone who knows me yall know I am not a mean person. But with so much going on...........you see it all started back in February. .......... I’m ready and more than willing to work things out. ........I’ve sent her amails. It’s still the weirdest thing in the world that, unlike me, she doesn’t have her own computer. I would love to work things out. Because I hate having this unspoken distance between us every time we talk on the phone. We used to be such good friends and then.............this happened. I am so tired of putting up with all her crap. So why do I? Well honestly...........I don’t know. But right now.............least from what I’ve read...........she needs me just as much as I need her. Or anyone for that ,atter. Me, that is.

Of course, I’m only sharing my side of things here, my interpretation. I could be completely wrong. But untill she emails me or calls me or whatever I won’t know whether I’m wrong or not.

Of course, I’m only sharing my side of things here, my interpretation. I could be completely wrong. But untill she emails me or calls me or whatever I won’t know whether I’m wrong or not.

For confidential reasons I’m not going into more detail. Not right now at least.

So you know this certainly doesn’t help matters......

well thanks to all who have read.........commented..........etc.’

‘14th

Ok.

So.........Idinno. My hand’s been hurting lately. Don’t know why. Not enough to immobilize me however.

And my um......mouth. The lower right side. It’s not bruised, far as I can tell. But then again I can’t actually see that far down on my um face.............again, not enough to immobilize me.

so.........’

‘I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. Well.............actually...............with the exception of my friend Rachel. Out of state, of course. I rang her and she still hasn’t gottne back to me but I know she will eventually.

Another person I know...........she keeps telling me ‘oh yeah i’ll call you’ or ‘i’ll email you’ or ‘can i call you back’ which I take to mean ‘I will call you’. And, like Rachel she’s one of those people who I know will get around to it eventually.......but I still feel like we have things to work out. I’m, again, more than willing to. But I haven’t gotten any emails from her...........I know she’s gotten mine. But, it would be really nice if she said/emailed me something like ‘yeah i got your emails’ or ‘yeah i got your call but i’m a bit busy right now so maybe I could get back to you over the weekend?’ or something like that..............and then actually follow up and do it. So that I’m not stuck here wondering. Which is actually getting really annoying.

Although if I don’t want to talk to anyone............then, you know.’

‘15th

So last night bc of this Major News thing in S. FL, some tv shows were cancelled. So I slept during that time............I had a very terrifying dream. For some reason I was very upset and some guy was holding me...........but apparently I had rehearsal for ‘Fiddler’ and I told him that and he didn’t say anything.....and then came the David Scene..........for people who know about that............and then the guy and I were making out which was really nice...........and then my dad, of all people, was holding me.............and yes I do mean in an intimate way.................or, at least someone who looked very much like my dad...............and I don’t know. It was pretty terrifying. ‘

‘so...................ramblesssssssssss.

ug.

i reallly havent wanted to talk to anyone. which defeats the entire purpose of writing in this. but whatever. thats beside the point right now. the point is..........i dont. im tired but wide awake and absolutely no one else is. my god where the hell is everyone? oh thats right they all sleep when its dark...................unles youre me.

we-ell..........i’m goin to the mall tomorrow. wow thats far away.

my mind’s racing. not like in a bad way it’s just like ‘wow ok calm down breathe’ i know that in my own way im pushing people away. and yeah i suppose i should care but i dont. cuz subconsciously...........ever since i was about 17............in my mind ive always thought, well, the more i push people away the more theyll leave more alone and, the more alone ill be the less people will care and then...............when i when the time comes i can do away with............not that i want to now bc i dont but............when that time comes. when i feel like that.

if i werent so nice to people then it wouldnt be such a problem. i guess. if you want to think of it as a problem........i dont know.

so ive decided that florida needs more buses and the buses need to run later and florida also needs a lot more trash cans and recycling.
yeah bc a few weeks ago i went on a bus but didnt really know where i was going and ended up farther than i wanted to be and was by a taco bell and got hit on by a guy which isnt the worst thing to have happened but luckily my good friend athena and her friends came and picked me up and brought me back tot my place but what if they hadnt and yeah florida can be damn scary. i was terrified.

and yeah.

so that happened.

and............the damn food thing. again. once again. for the past week several people have told me i need food. have asked me if i have enough food have offered to help me with this. god.

stop with the food thing already. seriously. please do.
its suddenly gone from people not really saying anything about it to being almost overlyworried about it.

look. ive gone without eating before. and yes it sucks but it hasnt landed me in the hospital thanks.

yes thats terrible i know.

i know that falling out of a pattern is a hell of a lot harder then staying in it.

but some days, especially lately.............im not even sure i want the help. im not trying to be rude here.

but i dont want them overly concerned, either.
and yeah ok. the most obvious way to ‘fix’ that is to have enough food. but what if i dont want food. or it feels like im doing it for them. which yeah honestly, it does. its starting to.

and i am so fuking tired of thinkign writing talking about it.

ok............i know theyre worried. oh of course they are. but ok. i have to admit that theyre worried bc they care. its just...........it would be a lot more helpful if they said to me ‘ok from what ive heard from the ILS people it doesnt seem you have enough food, or any, for that matter. would you like me to help? and what can i do to help?’ rather than being ‘ok we need to take care of this right now’

and yes, i understand there are situations where action needs to be taken right away. but god.

and yes, eventually i will let them know that. when im a lot less frustrated and angry.

i really fuking hate it.
and i dont want it to get to the point where im upset about it although it might. because sometimes in life, things have to get worse, they have to get to that point before they get better.

fuk.

or do they?

i dont know.

well thanks.’

‘26th

I luv the wilderness. I’ve never been to Alaska but it looks pretty, if cold. Land of the midnight sun. Wow what a fantastic name for a land. just pure white snow. It’s so vast and open. And there’s so much of it.

Kind of like my grandmother’s prairie backyard, back in Colorado. It’s so huge and beautiful, in a completely different way. I guess it also belongs to her neighbours but I’ve always thought of it as hers. We’re allowed to go walking there but you have to be really careful of the cactuses. It has this light brown, honey-coloured grass. And you walk down there awhile and come to barbed wire fence which you also have to be careful of. The fence stretches the entire legnth of the prairie’s horizon and the only way to keep going further is to go through the fence, being careful as you life the barbed wire, of course and climbing through it. Pretty soon you come to a river, running through, around and over rocks. That’s after the tunnel.

I would luv to spend an afternoon down there............I didn’t realise all this untill I typed it out.

And then, we have a cabin up on Lookout Mtn. My grandmother’s, of course. Her property. We used to have birthday parties there but those stopped awhile ago. People have gotten older and I don’t know how they’d be able to get up there. My sister apparently loves it; she used to go up there a lot during the summer, just to get away. It’s in the mountains, as I mentioned. And it is beautiful. I don’t know that I’ve ever really explored that area much.........

I’m getting sad, nostalgic just typing this all out. Which is weird cuz I didn’t think I’d get like this.

And then my uncle has a house up in Silverthorne, Co. It’s soooooo beautiful up there. I remember we went up there when I was in middle school. My mom and I played volleyball in the backyard. That must’ve been when I took volleyball, in 6th grade. I was 12 then had turned that summer, in August. I remember the sunshine and the way it made everything look; the warm golden ...........sense, atmosphere, ambiance. The beds in the house were soo comfortable and warm. mmmmmmmmm. Those were the days.............the days of short sleeves and light.

And Vermont, much as I don’t like it, is beautiful. I thought, during my 2 years there, that I belonged there. With the scenery, anyway. It was warm and beautiful and honey-coloured and quite literally, the ‘golden afternoon’ that is talked about in Alice In Wonderland. I had this long, gorgeous honey-coloured hair which everyone loved.

And in Vermont, I remember staying at my cousin’s house with my dad...........their house with the forest for the backyard and a pebble driveway leading up the hill. My cousins, my perfect, sheltered cousins.........Quaker, actually. Not that there’s anything wrong with being Quaker.

They are honestly the most sheltered people I know.

I remember, when my mom came we watched the Olympics or some skiing thing on tv in their living room, with my aunt Helen and Uncle Don and the girls. I don’t know where my sister was. The snow was outside, in large mountains, tons of it and the sky was gray......

I remember at night, my uncle Don would read to the girls and I from ‘Little Women’. I’d be in my white nightgown........in their living room. And it was just so nice.............even if they are sheltered. It felt like a real family.

I remember............my parents were watching tv in the living room, of our house back up in Denver, and Kate and I were doing our homework at the kitchen table.............the only time that ever happened.

And...........I would love to have a big house, in the mountains with a big bedroom and the walls made entirely out of wood..........and a huge ceiling with windows at the top of it so you could see the stars. That would be amazing.

Or, a loft in Alaska, or Vermont with one of those low, wooden sloping ceilings and a white comforter.

But that was before.

That was before David.

That was before Kyle.

That was before the rape.’

‘still anorexic? well, i’ll tell you.

because its almost october

because i dont want it to be

because i want the body back the one i had before the rape

because he hurt me

because he touched me

because i’m a hands person

because i’m letting it ruin things for me

because i don’t eat

because i’m fat

because i’ve gained weight

because i’ve been eating

when in fact this is how i’m supposed to look

if i’m fat
if i look this way
men will want me

because i’m terrified

because he stole my innocence

becayse i don’t want men to want me
i don’t want them to touch me
not there
not then
not.............when he did

because i’m so desperately wishing it hadn’t appened

because i’ve always been morbidly curious
as to what the bones inside you look like.

because this is extremely heavy.

because i’m anorexic
because i was raped.

because.’

‘Summer.

Goooooooooood I miss it. I had no idea my SAD would this hard. Or this early.

Summer I was back in Denver. There were lilacs and peaches and butterflies. And time spent talking with people I haven’t seen. Long beautiful days filled with hope and light. And trips to the beach and just that..........that ‘feeling’, that ambiance. In the air that only comes when it’s summer. And now.........it’s fall and then winter.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this......... ‘

‘so she came over. and idinno. i was angry. not bc she was iver. just.........idinno. apparently she has a daughter. she’s what, 26? she’s way too young to have a daughter. no ok that’s not true. but i just don’t pictre her ad the mom type. she was lookin through my fridge and she saw the bagels and said something about how she likes them or her daughter likes them or something. and i’m thinkin ‘oh so youre a mom?’. and that was it.oh and then she made me clean. well ok she didnt make me clean. i just dont like cleaning > my apt >in front of people. idinno why. but thats what the appt. is about.

so i cleaned the dryer. er, the inside of it, rather.

and i vacuumed. which, was quite a workout. and i never work out. mainly bc i dont need to. and i walk. everywhere. bc back up in denver everyone walks. but apparently no one in florida thinks of walking.

i was vacuuming and i was just really angry, for some reason. maybe ill post more about that i dont know.

it was one of those time where, your ed completely takes over you.

it was one of those times when...............for the first time in a very long time, i actually thought of myself as the muffin queen. ‘

‘Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge.

So...............KMF/Problem Solving.

1: SAD
2: HIM/SATC
3: food thing
4: CLE appt. crap

i think there was more.................

1: SAD
it sucks. I was diagnosed with it while in Vermont, at the age of 15/16. That’s actually why I left Vermont. Well one of the reasons. The other reason being they couldn’t handle me, who I was.

SAD is, ‘the seasonal thing’. And it’s actually got more to do with daylight than anything else. Here’s the thing though; I don’t keep my blinds open. Which would actually help.

So now, the sun rises and sets at about 7. A.M. and P.M. That’s about 12 hrs of daylight. During those hours I’m never out, unless I have to go to an appt.

And because I really haven’t felt like it.

And there’s nowhere in the hell to walk to.

Which also doesn’t help.

And even if there is daylight that doesn’t mean it’s going to be sunny. Because it hasn’t been. I had no idea my SAD would hit this early or this hard.

Although the weather’s been kind of nice; yeah it’s depressing but it also reminds me of Ireland, which I loved when we were on holiday there.

So..............SAD Problem Solving
1; buy fleurs[flowers]; they’re pretty they add colour
2; walk around more

um................anyone else got any ideas?’

‘ok so. it’s starting to get to the point where i don’t want to go to my appts. beeven if they take place at my place, i still dont want to go. even though there’s really nowhere to go.

simply because..........theyre boring. theyve gotten boring. we do the same fukin thing. clean, cook. god what else can we do?

no seriously. i’m actually asking.

what else is there to do that have to do with those 2 things.’

‘dragonfly inside a jar.........fearful when the sky was full of thunder......and tearful at the falling of a star’.

Circle Game, Joni Mitchell.

I love that song. It was the first song of hers I’d heard, and I heard it when I was 9, 10 at summer camp. Sigh those were the days.

The first Beatles song I heard was Rocky Raccoon. At least............I think it’s by the Beatles.

And he actually did. Came out to wander, that is.

I was out walkign and a few feet ahead of me was a little boy and his parents. And it was just so.........simple. The sight of them’

‘And now, something on a completely different note.........the brain is fascinating.

it really is.

I remember learning about the nerves and such and the way they work. But what does it actually look like, in there? What do the ‘messages’ look like? When you’re tired what tells you that? What does it all look like?

What, and exactly how, do you come up with random thoughts? How do thoughts come about where do they come from?

What makes things ‘pop’ into your head? What is the thought process when we become scared or happy? ‘

‘so, back in the middle years of high school, i’d have this group............thing..........to go to. and, i’d tell them that i’d have dinner at home. and then when we were driving home i’d tell whoever came to pick me up that i’d eaten there.

i’m honestly quite astonished no one said anything.

but yeah maybe they did trust me enough to be honest with them.

or maybe they just didnt know what to say. or even how to bring it up.

i remember, when i was 13 i would eat in my room. that was when i first started eating in my room. ‘

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Last updated November 12, 2016