Back to work tomorrow! in Since OD is shutting down....

So I haven’t written in a couple of weeks because I’ve just been taking care of baby, cleaning house, and haven’t had much to talk about. I finally got my work schedule and I have long shifts the next 3 days. My Mom is off tomorrow so she’ll help with baby and has even mentioned watching her overnight if I’m tired and just want to come home and go to bed but I don’t want them to get burnt out and I’d rather not leave her overnight until she’s able to sleep all night long.

I’m definitely glad to be getting back to work but I’m absolutely sick having to leave my daughter all day long. I’ve been with her since the day she was born and the longest I’ve ever been away from her has been 3 hours. Everyone says this will get easier but for now, it’s still a bitter pill to swallow. It’s gonna be nice to have a routine again though. I’ve been cooped up in this house for about 6 weeks and it’s gonna be great having something to do everyday and be getting out of here for several hours everyday.

My friend has blocked BD and hopefully she’ll leave it that way this time. We have DNA test on Thursday and hopefully get the results back the first week of September. I’m going to be glad because this guy has absolutely tortured me about paternity and has said a million times that I’m a whore and he doesn’t believe that he’s the Dad, even though he came to a couple ultrasounds and her birth.

My new worry is him trying to get visitation. I know that I’ll ask for it to be supervised but I still have a lot of anxiety because he isn’t mentally capable of taking care of a child and if he ever got to see her, I’d be sick until I got her back. He’s got a lot of issues with being unstable mentally, emotionally, and financially that I honestly hope he just goes away. I truly feel that it would be better for everyone. I wanted him to be a part of her life but I realize now more than ever that he can’t until he gets help. He needs counseling and to probably be put on medication.

I wanted so badly for my daughter to know her Dad and it’s probably always going to haunt me that he’s not around and that he’s so messed up but all I can do is just work, pay bills, and take really good care of her. I love her more than I could ever love anyone and that’s why I’ve worked so hard to make sure she has what she needs. I wish I could give her the best Dad in the world and it kills me that I’m unable to do so. I know him ever getting himself in a good place will probably never happen but I stay hopeful for my daughters sake. I feel that I owe that to her.

She still wakes up twice a night. I’ve been more tired now than I’ve ever been in my whole life and it’s definitely not easy but I think she’ll start sleeping through the night anytime now. The last time I weighed her she was over 10 pounds and has grown out of a lot of her newborn stuff. I still have plenty of clothes for her but will be buying some light jackets soon because fall is just around the corner.

I need to make some dollars this week because I need to pay on my cable bill and my cell phone bill is due in less than 2 weeks. I will also be paying my Dad to watch her because I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t and then if I ever put her in daycare, I’ll be used to having that extra bill anyway. I’m still pissed about the whole daycare thing because I had a lady lined up while I was pregnant to watch her and then every time I talked to her, she kept throwing out excuses and what not so I finally just quit talking to her and deleted her off Facebook. I had also talked to a few more daycares and they were to get back to me but never did so I’m glad that I have my parents or I seriously don’t know what I would do.

I really should be resting because I know for sure I won’t get any kind of a nap for the next 3 days. I’m excited to go back to work but not excited to be going back to bullshit. I know that I won’t put up with shit like I did before and I will get super pissed if they don’t let me leave when I’m scheduled to. I have a child now and don’t want to be away from her for a second longer than I have to. I know it’s good for me to get a break from my daughter but she’s just so little and it sucks that I can’t just be with her all the time. It’s been great getting away from my job and everything but I gotta go back for the sake of my sanity. I’m not one that can handle being home all the time.

Today and yesterday I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff done. Yesterday I did dishes and washed bottles along with a load of laundry and then today I swept and mopped the kitchen, washed bottles again, and picked up the house. I also took out the trash. My house is completely clean and that’s what I wanted before I go back to work.

Anyways, I need to try and rest while baby is sleeping.