April in The Wonderland Years: 2007: transferred over from FOD

‘2nd

Right now listening to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway To Heaven. Luv this song. Wanted quiet music.

What if............we’re all living in our own Wonderlands?

*Humans are naturally curious creatures. some, more than others.

*we’re all ‘chasing’ something

*we’re all falling down rabbit holes, esp. those of us with depression

*drown in our own emotions. some of us live near the water.

*sometimes, get swept away

*all get confused

*spiraling downwards

*’Drink Me’>alcoholism and then we get ‘locked’ inside the bottle

*’Eat Me’ or don’t>ED’s

*we all fall down>the part where Alice is trying to climb up the table legs

*doors surround us

*pocket watch!>eventually we’re all going to die

Bookmarks
crushed_hope
Emily
Long_Survey
Molly
RainbowBrite
wakeme
.::.The.::.Truth.::.
.Close.Your.Eyes.
::This_Gurl::
ãߧcoñÐeñCe
~*Emmylu91
~ree~
~Velocity~
Aashna
ana dyne
And after all…
AngelB
Antidote
Audiobeat
avaritia
Bad_Kitty
BeMyTourniquet
Better_me
black and red
bleed_me_dry
bleedingoutsorrows
BleepBloop
boomboxbeaver
Bridget’s Journey
Brightside
broken essence
broken.butterfly
butterfly_tears
carmine.madlar
ccrazydiiamond
charming_faith
colour.my.world
Comrade
cosmic
Dark Phoenix
deadheart
dontread
Dreaming Angel
Drew’s Reflection
Editor
Embracetherandom
Embrasse-la
Fertility
Fidelius
Glacius
Glenn McCrary™
Grace On Fire
grei
Halcyon
HalfCircle
HappilyBroken
HeartofCobaltBlue
His Bellex
hopeforlies
hXc.TifferMinx
Inch-By-Inch
J’ai un secret
Jeska22
karamazov
La Diosa
Lady Aramis
Lalalandbabe302
longlostlove
loose_gravel
LoveSuicide
Lucretius
MissMoonlight
murders.love
naimad
necistoca
NeedTheFear
Nocturnal State
on the b
One_
Open Diary
pearlymae
Petals of Amber Rose
PhilosophyPunk
Phyre
Pilgrim
pretty little liar
princess_lonely
PunkCzarina
punkish
Rave Til Morning
ResplendentTaciturn
richly.thestar.works
Schitzoandro
sepiasmile
sicksadworld
Sleep on… fly on
smilelikeyoumeanit
SmOkE&MiRRoRs
spyder
starquake
stockholm syndrome
Succulent Secrets
sugar_mama1954
SweeterYet
tddl
ThanksForTheEther
The abyss
The DiaryMaster
The Forlorn
The Last Druid
the.mask.and.the.mirror
theworldismyashtray
thingschange
tohightocare
ToolBox
torturedbylonliness
Tree Line
tukre
twix_0403
wANAbe
Wayfaring_Stranger
Xanatos
xUna Ave

<< : It’s delightful it’s delicious it’s delovely Over The Rainbow Into The Mirror : >>

Over The Rainbow Into Wonderland Monday, April 02, 2007

Right now listening to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway To Heaven. Luv this song. Wanted quiet music.

What if............we’re all living in our own Wonderlands?

*Humans are naturally curious creatures. some, more than others.

*we’re all ‘chasing’ something

*we’re all falling down rabbit holes, esp. those of us with depression

*drown in our own emotions. some of us live near the water.

*sometimes, get swept away

*all get confused

*spiraling downwards

*’Drink Me’>alcoholism and then we get ‘locked’ inside the bottle

*’Eat Me’ or don’t>ED’s

*we all fall down>the part where Alice is trying to climb up the table legs

*doors surround us

*pocket watch!>eventually we’re all going to die

*’youre nothing but a deck of cards’>we sometimes feel unimportant

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_in_Wonderland_Syndrome

*rabbit burrow>NY burrow

*cats>many people are allergic

*mad hatter

*march hare

i honestly dont know where i’m going with this.......’

‘Maybe this will provide a better analysis.

A Fantastic Analysis Of Movies & Addiction

A lot of us, are not happy with where we currently are. But then we spin........and spin............and spin and wind up somewhere else we didn’t really want to be in the first place. The only way to get out, is to face our problems. But in Dorothy’s case, she faced her problems in another dimension. If you’ve ever seen Phantom Of The Opera, Christine first sees the Phantom through the mirror. According to the Michelle Trachtenberg>at least, I think that’s who that is>version of Alice In Wonderland, in order to get to Wonderland one must go only one way, through the mirror. There’s no other way.........out, or in. Out of what our problems present and into somewhere else. It’s a bridge between two places. A razor blade, a knife, alcohol, drugs, cigerettes.........whichever you choose. Sometimes, the lack of food.

And, for some of us, it’s the White Rabbit..................aka..................cocaine. Crack. Coke.

He has red eyes....................blood.

The White Rabbit goes down the well, rabbithole. Just as the drink goes down your throat.........blood goes down onto the floor.

Once down/in the rabbithole, it’s darker and there’s no way out. None that we can see, anyway. Depression. Suicide.

The ‘hole’ part of ‘rabbithole’ ................when one has cut too deep.

When Dorothy goes into MunchkinLand, everything is so much brighter. So much happier. Better, in a way. But she’s disappointed by what’s there. The people, creatures she meet/s along the way are people she already knows, but, once again, in a completely different dimension, different light.

She follows the yellow brick road. Yellow..............the sun. But it only leads into darkness. ‘The light at the end of the tunnel is that of the oncoming train’

Dorothy wishes to go, and does go, ‘Over The Rainbow’. Nowadays, the colours are used to represent homosexuals. Many of them died of AIDS, such as Freddy Mercury. I’m not entirely sure which sexuality he was, though....this is also a theme in the movie RENT.

Cyndi Lauper has a song entitled ‘True Colors’. One of the lines in this song is ‘I see your true colours that’s why I love you and your true colours are beautiful’. This is linked to The Halo Effect; looks can be decieving. Also.........many people can see beyond the surface. In this line of the song, I think that she’s saying whatever it is, it’s fine. It’s even beautiful. In a different sense. Beauty in the darkness.

The White Rabbit is fluffy. Many pets are fluffy, lovable and loving. But if a person doesn’t have pets, or characters in their lives that represent those ‘pets’, the ‘fluffy’, the love is gone.

Also, if one were to strip the White Rabbit of his fur, he would be exposed, stripped bare. No one wants to be exposed but we all often are.

A theory I have is that the Emerald City is Ireland. For one, Ireland is often refered to as the Emerald Isle. For another, everything is green. Furthermore, as I recall, when I went to Ireland, the people were all very beautiful and kind. So, in our own way, we’re all looking for ‘Irelands’ of our own.

It also rains quite a bit in Ireland. The Tin Man is silver. Rain........tears, but solid. The Tin Man is made of solid tears.

In the Wizard Of Oz, there is a scarecrow. A name for a group of crows is a murder. Death.

We all want to be the dormous. We all want to sleep, escape, whether figuretively or literally.

The Red Queen, or Queen of Hearts, as she is often referred to, represents control. We want to control our addictions but pretty soon they control us and we’re swept away into the world, the other dimension, of our addictions.

We have to go through the mirror to get to that dimension.

In the book Alice in Wonderland, a chess board is mentioned. In chess, one must strategize, be careful. Within our addictions we have to do the same thing. As the saying goes, one wrong move.

In Wizard of Oz, the flying monkies are controlled by the Wicked Witch. They fit into their own colony because they know what to do. Sometimes, it’s easier to fit in but it’s not always worth it. It was Robert Frost who wrote; ‘I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference’. 2 of the most original artists are David Bowie and Frida Kahlo.

In both Wonderland and Oz, everything’s twisted around and nothing’s what it seems. This creates a distorted reality. People with EDs have this, as do some Picasso paintings

A line in Alice in Wondeland is to just go back the same way you came. This isn’t always easy.

A line in Wizard of Oz is to ‘pay no attention to the man behind the curtain’. This represents feeling unimportant and not wanting to be found.

The Wizard of Oz took place during the Great Depression. For some of us, this era lingers on for many years. Going ‘Over The Rainbow’ and into Oz is a place we can only dream about. But sometimes, dreaming isn’t enough.’

‘ECHO STARTED: May 4, 2005
TIME: 9:40/9:45 P.M.
I jus laid there. I had been laying there for hours. Hours, hours, hours. I glanced at the clock, it was now 3 a.m. I was still awake. And numb. Still numb. Curled up on my bed, curled up on my bed in the fetal position. The only time I ever shared anything with my mother was when I was in her stomach. Stomach,
stomach,
stomach.
In her stomach, in the fetal position. Just as I was now. But, outside her stomach. Outside her. Outside her world. Her large distant world which excluded me. As she did. Excluded, excluded, excluded. Maybe that’s why I curled up in this position so often, when I was lonely or afraid. Or, anything. The fetal position, which was warm and comforting.
Warm,
warm,
warm.
Hours, hours, hours. Stomach, stomach, stomach. Excluded, excluded, excluded. Warm, warm, warm. Cold, cold, cold. Fetal, fetal, fetal. Numb, numb, numb.
The words reverberated through my head in a rhythmic manner, making sense of nothing else. Like an echo. Echo, echo, echo. I still remember that story I read in first grade, about the lady who turned into Echo and was trapped forever in caves and canyons and such. I wasn’t Greek, I was Irish, but I was an echo. Perhaps, even Echo herself. Trapped forever endlessly. But not in caves and canyons and such, in my world and daydreams and such. They say history tends to repeat itself and echoes are repetitive. As is my life. Life,
life,
life.
Or maybe I was one of those Celtic dryads, the tree people? Were they Celtic? I wasn’t sure. One of the other stories I had read in first grade. One of the few things I remember about that time of my life. Life, life, life.
My life. An endless cycle of the circling, intertwining sorrows and dreams. The endless wearing of short sleeves, the endless staring of the scars by my mother’s own eyes, which were amber. A bug is trapped in amber. An echo is trapped in a canyon.
Trapped, trapped, trapped.
I was so numb I couldn’t recall my mother hitting me within these past few hours I had been. But I knew she had, just as she always had. She sees the scars, her eyes ablaze, her hand upon my face.
One of my little poems, which she hated as well. She didn’t care. She didn’t care about the scars, she didn’t care about the

---

ADDED MAY 8, 2005 12:30 lunch
Dreams I had the sorrow I was in constantly. My father, I didn’t know about. As I had never known about him.
I had been. An explanation is needed. Had been. Somewhere between awake and asleep. I wasn’t either and I wasn’t both. I was somewhere between the two.
When I woke up, after I decided to go to sleep whenever I did, I wouldn’t remember how the bruises came about on my pale body or how I came to have the few scars that I did on my arms.
I went through most of my life like this, at least lately, in blurry fuzzy visions, fading and disintegrating, living walking breathing dreams. So used to being avoided and ignored, numb, or hit. But I was numb while I was being hit. By her. The goddess of the amber eyes.
She came into my room, the goddess of the amber eyes. Not, this time, to hit me or to spread her amber eyes over my body, searching for misled paths digging into my skin. But, simply to turn off my music. I wasn’t even aware that my music was on, or even had been on. She turned down the volume dial, turning off the music, then leaving.
There I was, at 4 a.m., somewhere between asleep and awake, dissociating, trancing, numbing, melting, sinking into everything around me.
The end
12:45 lunch’

‘Rape Of An Angel October 16, 2006
There I was lying in the street. The blood had dried. The streetlamps illuminated me but I had a glow all my own. The sidewalks, buildings and streets were black along with everything else. Everything hurt. I was cold and alone. And naked. This white thing glowing in the darkness. The same shade of white as the streetlamps. He had taken everything when he raped me. I have no idea what happened but I knew that I was raped. ‘

‘I woke up and couldn’t move. Nobody came to wake me up I just somehow woke up on my own. That’s because no one was there that day. I didn’t know if they came back or not. Since I never left the room. The room that’s now been contaminated by my poison blood. A room full of blood and poison. The thick, cold liquid choking you to death and robbing your soul and innocence. All the childlike memories, the happiness gone. Knowing you have to have an abortion but knowing no one’s going to pay for it. Afraid to say the words afraid to speak. Afraid to tell anyone. No one’s there, anyway. Afraid to move your legs because then blood might flow between them more. Afraid to call the police because someone you know got in trouble for having heroin. They’re as harmful as they are helpful.

So there I was, numb with pain. Empty, flat as I would be once I had this abortion. Dazed tired out of it. Not all there. Not wanting to say anything. And not wanting to give up my baby, to kill her. The most phenomenal thing women can do. And sometimes, life ends before it starts. And sometimes people are dead when they’re alive. It can go on for an entire year or longer.

Jaded, molested and finally, raped.’

‘Cream coloured ribbons wound around a loaded gun
Set to go off at any time
Stuck inside her mouth
Razorblade jewelry adorns her naked body
Steel butterflies wait
This is the most emotive painting
Stuck in this moment
Loading itself onto others
Boom the powder keg explodes
She’s torn and her remains are that of wonderland dreams and distorted reality.
-april 2, 2007’

‘Yes a ‘spin-off’ thinger from the Simon & Garfunkel song.

Where would I find her? Er, you, rather.

We have some things to work out............from, the past 3 weeks or so. I just don’t know how to begin, or even where. I miss you, talking with you about RENT and fashion and history and culture and such.

God Lindsey you’re such a wonderful person and I luv you to death. You’re kind and articulate and gentle.

But I’m really worried about you. I’m also dreadfully curious about how you’re doing. But I just....when I pick up the phone and/to call you I don’t want to feel like there’s an elephant in our conversation. Like there’s something we can’t talk about, we both know it’s there but it won’t be talked about. I hate feeling like that.

Whatever happened......to us?

You don’t seem yourself lately. Least, last time we talked it didn’t seem that way.

If I were to say, to tell you ‘I’m not angry with you’ that would be a lie. And you know I don’t do that. Not with you. To others yes, but god no not to you. Never to you.

And I luv how........we’re perfectly comfortable with being on the beginning spectrum of more than friends but it’s not discussed. We just are and we’re ok with it.

You’ve changed, so much. I’m trying to acept it.......or am I? But it’s so difficult......it’s a side of you I’ve never seen before, never witnessed before, never dealt with before. I’m incredibly frustrated. And confused. And upset. By all of this by everything. All of these changes.

I feel like I hardly know you. And I don’t want to feel like that.

I was always the ‘edgy’ one, the angry one. But that was only one part of me. You knew>know, sorry> all of me.

I wish I understood. But I don’t.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart: ‘and I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever.......but now I’m only falling apart’ I know you are.

‘Just let me hold you as you’re fallin apart’ god I wish I could. But I can’t.

I hope you read this.’

‘I have a request, before I start typing this: please don’t leave me comments. This is something I’m writing purely in order to help me deal. Thank you.

To my friend Kate:

Kate;

Hey. When you..........you know told me you were freaking out. I didn’t know what the hell to do. And god I feel terrible about that. I wish I could’ve helped.

It wasn’t just what you told me, believe me. I had just gotten shocking new from one of my other friends. And, when these situations happen to me, I become numb and then I’m not helpful.

God the things you do. :)

You were freakin out man. In all the years I’ve known you I do not remember ever hearing you freak out. I mean omygod. I had no idea what to do. It scared me.

Geez. I guess it’s true what they say, when it rains it pours.

But now I actually have a plan, and I can help you.’

‘In My Opinion, are.......
Bambi: I saw this when I was 4/9. Bambi’s mother dies this is a terrible movie to show to children!
Donnie Darko: scared the fuk out of me
Dumbo: it’s just so sad
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days: it was terrible
Pinnochio: I absolutely hated this movie and still do
Silent Hill: omygod.
The Machinist: creepy as hell’

‘This was brought up by my very good friend Chelsea.

Colour Emotion Therapy

Black: death, depression

Pink: happiness

Red: anger, passion, blood

Gray: rain

Some mornings, it’s raining inside my mind. The colours I attach to my emotions are red, gray and black.’

‘Alrite so 1 night I was talkin to Kate about how the stupid CLE people think of me as a fukin role model. She had something to say............what I got from this conversation was that people are going to think of me as a role model whether I want them to or not. It’s going to make me angry whether they want it to or not. People are going to say things, do things whether I want it to or not.

Wooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww’

‘1: the poetry slam at the college this Friday.

2: the dance next Friday yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

3: this summer

4: my sister coming down to visit on the 1st yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

5:’

‘Nature is profound. It knows exactly what to do.

I was walking home from the college the other day and I stared up at a tree for 5 minutes. It was so incredibly profound............trees have branches..................things stem from other things. The branches have things that grow out of them. Birds land on branches. ................er yeah.

And then tree roots grow underground............just like the London subway.........and ‘anyone out of the mainstream’.......

And go to other trees.

When I was in Tunisia, we went to a park. It had these trees that were connected by their branches. And roots.. God it was amazing.

The sun knows when to set

The seasons know when to change

The river knows where to flow

Nature, is profound.’

‘Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you
Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you
Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you
Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Without you............life goes on.

My point being that the world isn’t going to suddenly stop if someone’s OD-ed or cut or drank or smoked or done drugs or something. They missed class tutoring an appointment. Unless they’re dead.
Life goes on
but I’m gone ‘cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you.....’

‘All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world …
Mad world
mad world ‘Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere’

Races......not enough time, everyone’s always rushing. ‘Going nowhere’........going in circles. ‘Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow’ In alcohol...........drink untill one’s dead. ‘Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday’

One day out of the year that celebrates them, that’s all about them. ‘Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me’

Ha. Reminds me of shoplifting. And my friend Kate. One person who can see through the lies.’

‘There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.

There’s a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure ‘Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there’s a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it’s whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know,
The piper’s calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she’s buying a stairway to heaven. ‘When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.’

She talks to people, flirts with them and whores herself untill she gets what she wants. ‘There’s a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure’.........what does the sign say? ‘There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.’ Immigration. ‘In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking. ‘
Fires have smoke. Native Americans have fires.

Oh God. In Socilogy I learned about that. When people stand by and don’t do anything. God what the fuk is it called?
Who is the May queen?’

‘Hello darkness, my old friend;
I’ve come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone,
Narrow streets of cobblestone. ‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night, and touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared.
And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

“Fools,” said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might lead you.”
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, “The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls, and whispered in the sounds of silence.”

‘Left its seeds while I was sleeping,’>depression lurks

‘In restless dreams I walked alone,’ >restless bc if deoression’‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,>’ halo, angels, suicide, darkness in the light

‘And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.>’ no one dared’>show it

‘Take my arms that I might lead you.’ >ding ding ding! Scars….reaching out for help

‘Take my arms that I might lead you.”> ding ding ding! Scars….reaching out for help’

‘’Every women needs a room of one’s own’‘

‘1: figure out what to wear

2: figure out how to do my hair

3: take a bath

4: sugar scrub

5: paint my nails

6: decide which colour to paint my nails

7: decide on make up

8: get lightbulbs so i can see how i look

9: practice dancing’

‘3rd

even though you’re still cutting.

‘Yeah I cut but I’m fine’

Um no.

‘Denying to herself what she thought happened’

I don’t feel I should go on about this for it might offend/hurt/upset the person..........and apologies to that person if I have in this entry.’

‘Here are the differences between my friend’s mom and my mom while packing for college:

My Mom:

*makes a list of things I have to do

*leaves me to do the packing myself

*doesn’t talk to me about packing

*doesn’t get all teary-eyed when I leave

Friend’s Mom:

*opposite

*to quote from Because I Said So: “stop being a helicoptor mom you’re hovering”. ‘

‘So an ex friend/acquantaince of mine tells the Chick Group everything about her life: i.e; her stepmother, her stay in the hospital......

how the hell can she do that? Isn’t she afraid of getting hurt? Betrayed?

Oh wait that’s right she prolly never has been!

Either that or she has been and she’s just forgiven whomever it was.

How the fuk?

She’s still a virgin at this age. O my god.

Stop telling them so much!

I keep waiting just waiting for them to hurt her so she can see what it’s like.

You tell me I can tell you anything and then you turn around and tell everyone you fuking know. Well obviously not after that incident I can’t. And I won’t, ever.

I’m sorry I just don’t want to feel so alone.

:( ‘

‘Alrite, so I’m frustrated as hell with a friend of mine. So, here’s a note to her: I am extremely sorry if this hurts, offends, upsets you in anyway.

I realise I just set you up but I try to be v. honest on here.

Thank you.

Second notice: to averyone/anyone who reads this I request you do not leave comments. Again, this is purely for venting purposes.

Again, thank you.

On with it then:

My mom, I feel at times, ignores me. I think it’s better to have negative attention than none at all, but I can also understand the other side of this. You were telling me about this and I thought ‘god I envy you..........do you know how much I envy you for that?’

I’m sorry.

:( ‘

‘Ok. I understand that you may have not known the side effects............but if you did, I would like to know. Just so I can know how they’ll effect you...........which, in turn, effects me..............I’m sorry.........but I’m frustrated.

Again, please no comments.

:( ‘

‘Please no comments. Thanks.

Ok, I absolutely hate to use the word ‘perfect’, but I feel I have to in this entry.

My cousins, on my dad’s side, are.........erm well, ‘perfect’ for lack of a better term. They live the most sheltered life of anyone I know. They’re um.......fuk idinno................13? and 11, i think?............and they still get along with their parents.

I doubt they know what suicide is. I doubt they know what drugs, cutting, razors, alcohol, rape is/are.

They’d have no idea what to do if a situation like that came up.

O. My. God.

They used to live up in Vermont. In Burlington, of all places. And they were happy. Still are. How the fuk can you be happy living in Vermont?

I keep waiting for one of them to start cutting.........or something. But noooooooooooo it never fuking happens.

This bothers the fuking hell out of me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ‘

‘’I had a dream’>RENT

JK

which I did, actually.

---

So on um...........Monday........I didn’t go to tutoring bc I was sleeping. Bc I didn’t get sleep the night before due to NT’s. Which, I am NOT going to tell them about...............but I explained this is in another entry so there’s really no point in going over it again now.

So, my mentor came at 4 p.m. and we went to get printer paper, which I forgot that we had to pay for. She went over to the um.............line for the cashier dudes and I’m thinkin ‘wait what are we doing?’. But um I paid for it. Quite literally. On the drive over she commented on how quiet I was. I’m a very quiet person OMG! Life would be so much easier without all the comments.

So then we went over to Publix to get Indian food but they didn’t have the kind I liked/wanted. They did however have Luna bars which I didn’t buy/get. Which reminds me.........

So then we went to Whole Foods & got some. yay.

so then at 5;30/5;40 I went over to CLE to see if chick group was starteing. bc i had it on my schedule that it started at 6..........which apparently it didnt.

then i went back to my place & at 7;20 p.m. they>the chick group people>went & picked me up n we went to Chili’s. I had quesadillas though not very many. Sara questioned me about this. OMG!!!!! ‘Stop with the food thing already’.

I told her that’s all I wanted to eat.

Then she asked if I wanted to tip. Um what? What??? Exscuse me but I never tip. Unless someone points it out to me. Yeah then I’ll tip only so as not to cause problems.

So yeah that was Monday. ‘

‘Only 3.5 more weeks untill my sister gets here. Yay! And untill the end of the year. So............I’m still amgry with a friend..........worried about Alicia & Kate, that hasn’t changed. But the sun doesn’t go down untill 7:40/8 p.m., which I love. My depression’s lifting, at least for the start of April. I’m behind on my Sociology hw. I’m home in the middle of the day, which I love. Now I just have to make it through these next 3.5 weeks, which is difficult for everyone. Yesterday I didn’t go to tutoring bc I was asleep bc I couldn’t sleep the night before due to Night Terrors, which I am NOT going to tell them about. It’s really none of their business. Yeah I wasn’t there but life goes on. And, I don’t want them to know. I already have help thank you very much. It’s called therapy. And actually, my therapist was the one who confirmed that they were Night Terrors. Even telling them ‘oh well I had a bad night’ is telling them that things weren’t ok during the night. Which, they weren’t because I was having Night Terrors. And, I just do not feel comfortable telling them those sorts of things. They don’t need to know. And, as stated before, I’m not going to tell them. I just have to think of what to tell them.

I’d much rather sleep and miss things than stay up 24 hours and go to everything they want me to go to.

And, I don’t want them to act differently toward me because of the Night Terrors. The only one, in my family, who knows about them is my sister.

Oh, and I hate rules. All my life I’ve always been the one who followed the rules, obeyed people. I hate being that person. But I don’t want to get in trouble for not following the rules.

I’m not the type to be honest around people I don’t know very well. I’m sorry but I don’t do that.

Also, to-day 1 of the ladies at CLE was saying how I have a support system here. Um no. Not my definition, at least. She brought up the point that the people here look out for me........or, something along those lines. Like how they had Karen banging on my door at 10 a.m. this morning. Do I wish she hadn’t done that? Quite honestly, yes. And, if they’re going to send someone over, could they at least send Jackee M? Yes she may be annoyingly perky but at least she’s not all rush-rush.

And, if they’re going to bang on my door, they could at least warn me that they’re going to come over instead of surprising me like that. Well maybe they did but, as always when I’m trying to avoid someone, my cell is on silent so they don’t confront me about me missing whatever it was.

My apt. phone keeps ringing, for some reason. Stop calling me on that phone it doesn’t work! How many times do I have to tell you?

Another thing Karen did was she opened one of my bathroom doors. I don’t know why. She also opened the door and turned off the lights in the room I don’t use. Um I keep the lights on to make it safer. Yeah that’s Alex’s fault. Grrrr. And secondly, never open doors in my apartment. Or the blinds. I like it dark thank you.

More other news; apparently, I have/had Avoidant Personality Disorder, whatever that is. And SchizoTypical Personality Disorder. I think APD has something to do with the fact that A; I avoid people, B; I don’t like people, C; I’m anti social, but I don’t know. And STPD might have to do with the Night Terrors, though I’m not sure. I’ll look it up. ‘

‘I already explained the Night Terrors thing.

2: I DON’T always want advice. In fact, rarely ever do I want advice. A friend of mine always gives me advice and I hate that. But, I also realise that this is something I have to actually tell her.........grrr.

3: The reason that I don’t want to wear a dress to the dance>and would much rather wear pants>is because I hate showing my body. This has to do with males. Yeah ok I also don’t want to see my scars/cuts. But I would much rather have see people see my scars/cuts than show my body. Even though I’m really not comfortable with either of these options.

4: ‘

‘’Avoidant personality disorder (sometimes abbreviated APD or AvPD), or anxious personality disorder, is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoiding social interaction. People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or disliked. They typically present themselves as loners and report feeling a sense of alienation from society.

Avoidant personality disorder usually is first noticed in early adulthood, and is associated with perceived or actual rejection by parent or peers during childhood. Whether the feeling of rejection is due to the extreme interpersonal monitoring attributed to people with the disorder is still an open question.’

Um.............what?

Yes I do avoid social interaction.

And that’s exactly why.

Um well my mom didn’t reject me but she was a bitch.

And my dad wan’t there.

Wow I didn’t know there was a name for what I was.

‘The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a “pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:’

Ok so I’m assuming the phrase ‘hypersensitivity to negative evaluation’ has something to do with the fact that I’m a v. sensitive person.

‘Avoidant personality disorder is often confused with antisocial personality disorder; clinically the term ‘anti-social’ denotes sociopathy, not social inhibitions.’

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

‘Avoidant personality disorder is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders, although estimates of comorbidity vary widely due to differences in (among others) diagnostic instruments. Research suggests that approximately 10-50% of the people who have a panic disorder with agoraphobia have APD, as well as about 20-40% of the people who have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder). Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among the people with a generalized anxiety disorder and up to 56% of

the people with an obsessive-compulsive disorder (Van Velzen, 2002). Although it is not mentioned in the DSM-IV, earlier theorists have proposed a personality disorder which has a combination of features from borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, called “avoidant-borderline mixed personality” (APD/BPD) (Kantor, 1993, p.4).’

Ohhhhhhhhhhhk. Well I do have anxiety/depression.............and um OCD.

‘Causes

The cause of avoidant personality disorder is not clearly defined, and may be influenced by a combination of social, genetic, and biological factors. The disorder may be related to temperamental factors that are inherited. Specifically, various anxiety disorders in childhood and adolescence have been associated with a temperament characterized by behavioral inhibition, including features of being shy, fearful, and withdrawn in new situations.[1]

Many persons diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder have had painful early experiences of chronic parental criticism and rejection. The need to bond with the rejecting parents makes the avoidant person hungry for relationships but their longing gradually develops into a defensive shell of self-protection against repeated parental criticisms.[2]’

Hmmmmmmmm..........Yes I am tempermental.

Again, anxiety.

Believe it or not I’m actually a v. shy person.

Yes I can be withdrawn.

Well yeah I mean cmon. My mother.

‘Starving hurts the soul when you’re hungry for love’

‘

[edit] Symptoms
People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness in social situations, though strongly desire close relationships[2]
Avoid interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Low self-esteem
Mistrust of others
Extreme shyness/timidness
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception
Feeling inferior to others
Chronic substance abuse/dependence[3]
Creation of a fantasy world ‘

Soooo.....................yes I’m shy. Well you wouldn’t trust people either after all the shit I’ve been through. Er yeah. Ok well I’ve only been intimate with 1 person in my entire life. Well I’ve never done drugs but I do cut. Um ‘fantasy’ world? Exscuse me? I am offended. First off, reality is subjective and we all make our own.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder ‘

‘’Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a crime?’

First of all, what in the world does that mean?

Jayne R. told me it means arrested.

Doesn’t arrested mean the same thing as being handcuffed and sent off to prison?’

And to answer that question well um no, not exactly.

I mean yes a cop did come to the security office but I wasn’t arrested.

So how am I supposed to answer that question?’

‘So, paranoia is caused by chemicals.......right? I think? Unless it’s an emotional thing which I don’t think it is. Although it has emotions attached to it..........................so I guess it would be chemical. Er, having to do with the brain, rather.

I don’t know..................’

‘I honestly used to think that was the title of the song.

Anyway.

Things That Are Ironic

1: the fact that the Mexican dude, after he fixed my garbage disposal, said to me: ‘alrite it’s fixed. just don’t put any food down it”. That is ridiclous! I mean, I thought that was the whole point. It’s like saying to someone “ok it’s fixed. just don’t use it.” Well thanks. Really.

2: when people tell me not to hurt myself. Erm a bit too late for that isn’t it?

3: I find this one hilarious: the fact that my mother still thinks I’m a virgin

4: me apologisin for something I never did.....

5: the fact that, half the time when you’re having a problem getting online they provide with a customer service website which you can’t get to because you can’t get online.

6: that my sister said i was her anti drug.......when she was on drugs

7: my friend calling...........to tell me that she can’t talk atm

8: snow in Denver

9: no rain in FL

10: me having an ED

11: the fact that you need scissors to open a package of scissors

12: warning labels

13: the fact that, the person who was awarded ‘MIA’ was......um well MIA

14: the fact that most every time I want to talk to Ry or Kat they’re MIA. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

15: the fact that telling me one doesn’t want to talk entirely defeats the purpose

16: the fact that most people think I’m a virgin

17: that I’m part of a pro SI site........and we’re told not to SI

18: ‘

‘karmala

So my friend Kate is just about 1 of the most hilarious people I know...........I’m worried about her. I haven’t heard from her and.........well yeah I won’t go into that.

Anyway.

*2 of her friends were talking on the phone. 1 of them wanted milk the other wanted cookees. Yes one of them poured milk through the phone.

*she got a kick out of the mammoth lady in Ice Age 2

*i luv her. as a friend. and yes I like her. sigh.

Lee

Well, Lee is Lee. He’s a very happy person...............which kinda bothers me. Not bc he’s Lee........but you know. His dad died when he was little and his mom kind of makes me nervous. He’s strongly opposed to my cutting, which is why I don’t bring it up with him. It hurts him yeah. But I don’t think about that. He’s an incredible artist. He’s so thin though. Ha I should talk. He’s very kind. He reminds me a lot of my friend Zack, actually.

*when we were downtown and we sat on a hill and watched the sun set, and a boy and a man and a dog. That was beautiful. Then we walked back and took the bus. That was a good day.

*when, one day after school, I saw him standing on the front lawn, waiting for the bus. I was kinda depressed/upset, although I don’t/can’t remember why. He hugged me and the sun was gorgeous and warm and it was this beautiful golden depression.

*the day I told him about the violation.

---

Um let’s see here...................Josh.

Josh.

I met Josh last year, during the play, actually. I never knew he was..........for awhile, he was just some random guy, Despite the fact that I’m angry with him for something he said....................well, he’s very nice. & smart. & wise. And an incredibly good poet........he’s so good with words. For the most part, I think, he accepts the cutting as part of who I am. He’s very calm & levelheaded.

*just hangin out during play rehearsal

*meeting his mom who’s one of the coolest people ever. She reminds me a lot of my sister

*going to see the 2nd POTC movie last summer. walkin around the movie theatre before it started, & talking. that was a good day.

---

Um Josiah. Oh god what to say about Josiah. He’s one of my favouritest people.....................I luv him so much. He’s definately an original. He was one of the few people who always wore long sleeves..........besides me. God I miss him, talking to him. I also met him through the play. He’s one of the most entertaining people I know, who could always make me laugh. I luv his eyes. He’s suuuch a kind person and a very good listener who I trust, a lot. He’s so gentle and loving and..................he’s a very good dancer. He’s one of the most interesting people I know.

*him coming backstage & talking to me

*him making me laugh by being silly

*hearing that the pillow split open over his head and spilled feathers over it during the wedding scene in 1 of the rehearsals

---

Lindsey...................well despite everything going on I still luv her. She’s a wonderful person, whos kind, gentle & articulate. I really like her writing. She’s very pretty, in that soft, quiet punk rocker kind of way. We’ve been friends for about 2 years now I think. We always have the most interesting conversations, about RENT, or history, or culture, or fashion, or family or whatnot.

*helping me get ready for prom yayyyyyyyyyyy!

*going to prom and having so much fun

*me telling her about the fight between the women in the family

*me telling her about the shoplifting

*sleepovers

*talking just when the sky was starting to get that white blue light

*getting to know her

*her meeting my aunt

*watching thirteen

oh god wow.

---

Karma

Karma!!! Yay. She’s my sister so I’ve known her all my life, pretty much. Over the past year or so I’ve gotten to know her so much better. She’s one of the most original, beautiful women I know and god an incredible painter. She’s also the most positive and never worries. God I miss her. She’s coming down May 1st which I’m incredibly excited about. Her friend Maria is very artistic and beautiful and nice, but there’s that.........um well for lack of a better term, distance between Maria & I. There’s Jesse who apparently loves me....................he’s just about 1 of the nicest people I know.........but there’s some stuff he’s done that I dont like.............he & Karma have been through a lot together & so have Karma & I. God. Now she actually accepts hugs from me yay! But I try to respect her boundaries. Karma’s so silly and adorable and pretty. I luv how silly we are! But I also love the fact that she hasn’t been afraid to cry in front of me. I trust her and I know that she won’t freak out............she’ll listen and answer my questions, even if she doesn’t agree. She’s also very levelheaded. She’s really smart. I luv our celeparties that we have. I luv the cards she gives me. God we have a lot of memories. And quotes.

Quotes:

“then why did you order so much?”

“bc I was hungry. But now I’m just tired.”

“I am not a man thank you!”

Nor am I a penguin. Or a pandala.

“Get away from my bed linens!”

“This is not 1894”.

No apparently not.

“I just want some Pringles!”

“You’re so cute! Omygod you’re like my favouritest person ever!”>her, after I was confused about the Frontier Airlines Election thing.

“Do you have any cents?”

“No.”

“Common or otherwise.”

“Oh exscuse me sir. Oh wait.”>she thought a trash can was a midget. O my god.

Our Xmas Eve CeleParty

“Omygod!”>I opened a card and all this green glitter fell out.

“Yayyy!”

Stevie is now Princess Glitter bc of that.

Us talking about my ex

“well if I ever see him can I say ‘get away from my woman?’“

“Yes”

Memories:

*when I couldn’t figure out which door to go out of when we went to that pasta place when I was in CO for the winter break

*when we saw Little Miss Sunshine & then painted in the park. God that was suuuuuch a good day.

*going out to eat

celebrating graduation!!!!
playing with Stevie

*watching tv n eating dinner

*being silly

*just hangin out

*her taking a picture of me

*all of last summer god that was difficult

*her picking me up at 10 p.m. at the mall

*her hugging me before going out to a rave

*goin to the movies

*meeting Alaina

*DVD Nites!!!

*talking about sharing a cat”how can we share a cat if we dont even live in the same state?”

*us trying to find Leela’s downtown

*her helping me move in

*her at the dressing room during Fiddler

*going out to the gas station in the sno

*Disney!!!!

*seeing Marie Antoinette

*walking around Denver at night in the sno

*Whole Foods ‘

‘4th

1: that anyone would have dinner with their family

2: the fact that people slepe

3: the fact that absolutely no one but the state of CO has milk delivery

4: the fact that it rains, er used to, so much here

5: florida, in general

6: that no one has vegetable gardens anymore

7: that people actually talk to their parents

8: that people go on family outings

9: that everyone’s so nice here

10: that people actually care

11: ‘

‘Ok so apparently, FL’s having a drought. Which is why it hasn’t bloody rained in fukin forever. Which, I guess to me is um.......well..........normal.

However..........this means that there will be more fyres. I have a terrible fear of fyres. Yeah major problem.

And nooooooooo I do not want advice thank you. ‘

‘So, when Jackee M. gets back from being on holiday I’m hoping she & I will visit this theraputic riding place, which I had forgotten about untill a few minutes ago. I’m really excited about it, though. I don’t think theraputic riding has to be just physical...............does it? I don’t think so. I’m hoping it will help me a lot. And, I luv horses & am really good with them. There’s this really awsum site: http://www.healinghoovesinc.com/index2.html. I think it’ll be really good for me. And, it’s something I want to do. God I haven’t seen horses in such a long time...........they’re beautiful animals.

Theraputic riding is most commonly used for physical reasons..........er, I think.............but it can also be used for other reasons as well.

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

:) ‘

‘is this really cool site. You pick a charity and each time you search they donate money to that charity. Go, spread the word, tell your friends..............er, people you know.

www.goodsearch.com ‘

‘’she died her name was April’

‘it’s out again sorry about your friend’

i’m glad it’s april. it’s an ok month for me so far. the sun is out longer which i luv. reminds me of rehearsal last year. miss that. ‘

‘So, I got my period to-day. Which is ironic considering I haven’t really been eating. I like that I got my period bc it means I’m healthy but I hate it.

So now I have to deal with ED sickness as well. Fuk.

At first I liked feeling lighter but now I don’t.

So I went out and bought some Luna bars bc they’re all I feel I can eat right now. And, they’re healthy/good for you.

So yeah.’

‘I like this song.

So, for therapy reasons, here is Year 17, the basic outline:

*first year in public high school

*hardly any friends

*dated a guy who turned out to be my last boyfriend

*father was in a car accident xmas eve

*i now hate xmas

*was in Pippin during the spring

*was violated

*spring I became very nocturnal

*cried a lot

*cut a lot

*first year back in denver

*attempted suicide

*almost died bc of it

*every night was neverending

*terribly lonely

• ‘

‘My Life Up Untill Now: Ages 9 - 11

My problems started very early on. And, here are some of the thing I remember;

Age 9:

*I was in 3rd grade.

*my best friend had Down’s Syndrome. I spent a lot of time at her house.

9 - 11

*bullied from ages 9 - 11

*took jazz dance as an after school activity and was in a recital. I think I was a penguin.

*took modern dance

*was in theatre camp at the Denver Victorian Playhouse

*my 4th grade teacher was the first black person I knew

*took French

*went to Tunisia

5th Grade

*my 5th grade teacher loved me and everyone else was jealous of that

*I was 11 before the start of 5th grade, which was another thing they didn’t like

*my friend’s sister had cancer

*I went through a lot of therapy

*that was the only time in my entire life I spent time in the nurse’s office

*I hated gym

*we seemed to have a lot of substitute teachers for some reason

*I knocked over my night stand

*the last Friday of 5th grade was the first time I was ever hurt by an individual, rather than bullied

*it was also the first time I was hurt by someone beautiful

*which is why I remember it so vividly

*my parents never let me miss school. They also didn’t take me out of that school.

*there was a strike at my elementary school

*I went to an American Girls convention

*I didn’t have a lot of friends

*I went ice-skating in Cherry Creek at 9, 10 p.m. with my dad, my sister and a bunch of her friends for her birthday. That was fun. Lydia was nice to me.

*I wanted to be someone else, other people at my school

*my math teacher had red hair

*my mom helped out with the class

*we had a lot of indoor recess days and I don’t know why

*I couldn’t go out for Friday free time and I don’t know why

*I had math tutoring

*inside my mitten, I stuck my middle finger up at my best friend. I was very angry.

*yes I actually knew what the middle finger meant.

*i was one of the few people in elementary school who knew what the middle finger meant.

*my parents fought a lot.

*I don’t remember the whole story, but one of my necklaces choked me. I remember I was very upset about this.

*I broke my arm near Xmas time

*I had my computer stolen near Halloween

*I ate a lot of hamburgers & chicken

*For some very strange reason of which I cannot recall I poured a whole bunch of ranch dressing over my salad. It was dark in the kitchen.

*we had a birthday party which involved teddy bears wearing purple dresses on paper plates. I don’t know why that was the paper plate/cups, but it was. My aunt Helen wore a blue sundress at that party.

*one summer, my sister and I rode with my mom’s friend Donna in the back of her black convertible. We had a blast.

*We had lobster parties every year for my mom’s spring birthday

*we also had a barbecue

*my grandmother, my sister and I would go on outings to Heritage Square & The Children’s Museum

*one winter day my sister, my grandmother and I rode in a wagon with Santa

*we used to visit my grandmother every Saturday

*when I was 10 I remember I slep-walked into the living room. My parents were still up, reading. I asked them something but I don’t remember what. Or at least I think I was sleep-walking.

*I got sick during the SuperBowl

*My sister and I used to share a room

*I thought the faeries from Sleeping Beauty were in my closet

*I prayed a lot

*Because of a horrible experience in elementary school I will not use any bathroom stall except for the one at the far end.

*I was jealous of a lot of people

*My mother wouldn’t let me go on the sand dunes trip for reasons I will not say

*I don’t know what I did during that time

*I learned tai chi from my 4th grade Social Studies teacher, who also had red hair

*I was in a play about Australia. We sang Waltzing Matilda but didn’t waltz. We had a little party afterwards, with pavlov, which I think is an Australian desert. That was the first I heard of Anna Pavlova.

*I spent a lot of time in the school library

*I spent a lot of time in the downtown library

*Johnny Eady called us monkees

*we watched Ghostbusters in the library

*we watched a lot of movies in thelibrary, although I don’t understand why

*the cafeteria was the auditorium

*I had school lunches and don’t remember if I sat with anyone or not

*the cafeteria was also the art room

*for some reason we made a giant owl

*I had a puffy maroon-purple down coat

*we watched The Penguin & The Pebble, Little Rascals, The PageMaster & Gargoyles in the gym on indoor reccess snow days

*I don’t think we ever had snow days

*Kathleen Steaker was amazingly tall

*one of the ladies in Special Ed went to church with my grandmother.

*My regular tv shows included Bonkers, Boy Meets Word, 3rd Rock & Sabrina

*I loved the weekends

*I saw the movie ‘We’re Back’ with some people. I think they were my camp. I hated that movie and we sat way too close to the screen.

*I saw ‘Little Rascals’ with the same group of random people

*I went swimming a lot and gave massages

*when I was 10 we went to Disney. I think this was in October bc we wore costumes. It rained a lot, for some bizarre reason. My sister and I went on a boat and we had balloon ponchos bc of the wind. They were yellow. She looked beautiful as a WaterQueen with a purple flower in her hair.

*I saw It Takes Two with my dad

*My sister and I made a Wizard Of Oz video

*Jennifer babysat

*My sister loved Goosebumps. I always hated that but liked Eerie, Indianna, Ghostwriter and Fudge.

*Apparently, I watched a lot of tv

*my sister and I saw the first Power Rangers movie with our dad. The one where there’s this purple goo stuff and the townspeople turn into zombies. And this beautiful lady blew magical kisses off her hand from sand. It was all very strange.

*I took baths

*I had horrible hair

*I dressed strangely

*a girl I was jealous of helped me with a clown word search

*she also had me participate in a sports poll

*and took dance up in Boulder. At that time, I thought that was this random place, and the coolest place ever.

*I spied on my neighbours

*my friend Annabel and I played Power Rangers at reccess

*my 1st/2nd grade teacher had surgery and told us about it although I don’t know why

*we had book fairs

*I saw the movie Matilda. I loved that movie.

*my sister, mom and I went out for ice cream and talked about the movie

*I went to one of those giant indoor playground play places

*my dad and I went to thrift stores

*my friend had a bad encounter with some guy in his alley while taking out the trash. I remember I had lunch with him. We had hamburgers.

*my dad and I went to the park where the sundial is

*my dad and I went to the park where the sundial is

*our teachers read to us at the end of the day. I loved that.

*at night time, I talked to my dad about the wandering rocks

*he had a lava lamp in his room and wrote poetry about soccer & Tuska

*I brought a copy of the Tuska poem with me to college

*I knew Jay, Jerry & Sachiko

*my very tall friend Michelle told us the candy man story

*I slept in the dark

*Ms. Moran told me about her kitty

*we had a raffle and I won a trip to the book store with my math tutor

*my very tall friend Michelle told us the candy man story

*I slept in the dark

*Ms. Moran told me about her kitty

*we had a raffle and I won a trip to the book store with my math tutor

*I learned, from field day, that I could pick up marbles with my toes

*we had a costume birthday party for some reason. My aunt Susan helped. Or maybe that was my mom’s friend Jessica I can’t remember. They look alike.

*I had this physical therapy stuff

*a Jewish lady came to my house to tutor me in math

*she used flash cards

*another lady Mrs. Cook came to my house to help me with penmanship. We made a plastic froggy suncatcher.

*I was in a production of Cinderella and I think one of the ladies was deaf

*I was Jasmine/Raja in a production of Aladdin

*that was the first time I ever got flowers

*I worked with Steve Wilson

*my aunt lived in New York

*my dad swore

*and hit my hand

*I threw plastic toys at my door because my parents would lock me in there. I threw a plastic Snoopy toy at my door.

*my dresser had a changing table

*one summer night I watched Free Willy while listening to the crickets and watching the twilight

*I hate the movie Free Willy

*I saw A Little Princess with my mom. It made me cry bc it made me think of my dog Monko.

*my friend had a Halloween party

*Gracie fell off her bike

*the Birdsongs lived next door and gave us a pretty blue wood dollhouse. I loved that dollhouse.

*I always wanted red hair and would sit against the brick wall in the sun to get my hair red

*I had blue dresses

*my sister and I would play with Barbees

*we went to the circus

*I thought my 4th grade teachers were related

*I lost my dad’s fold-up blue ‘40’s binoculars that he let me use for spying

*my sister and I made collage fashion booklets

*we went to Disney On Ice

*with my grandmother I saw Narnia, The Secret Garden & The Wizard Of Oz

*I thought my 3rd grade teacher was a witch

*I cried on field day

*we dressed up for Halloween

*we had OM

*Monko ran away

*my sister had a hamster

*my dad, my sister & I saw Muppets: Treasure Island which made me cry

*I hate that movie

*my kitty died

*I stole Karlye’s pencil

*I didn’t pay attention in class

*our luggage got lost on a trip

*I took piano but sang at it

*my parents dated

*for some odd reason we made pizzas/pies and sold them. my dad helped with that.

*they made me sing in music class

*a girl told me about her kitty in a thunderstorm

*Karlye asked me why my best friend talked to herself

*people asked me why I wore sunglasses

*a friend gave me a pink Minnie Mouse headband for my birthday

*I won a blue headband in a spelling bee

*we sang lean on me

*a girl sang Over The Rainbow

*we went to Hawaii

*I saw cats on PBS

*I went to the TC a lot with my mom

*we ate in the 4th floor resturaunt where we saw stephanie riggs and spied on people below

*there was a power outage in the summer

*I went to Canada in 1999 or 1997

*I watched my kitty die in 1999

*ebony rowlette wasn’t nice to me. then she had an accident, came back for the xmas party and was nice to me. i was confused as to why.

*we visited my aunt in D.C.

*we went up to VA

*i called ebony and asked for vanessa

*i had a diary

*i went to karlye’s house

*we had class moms

*we had 2 good principles

*we had 1 terrible principle

*there were toy commercials

*being in high school was the coolest thing ever!!

*the Columbine tragedy happened

*the Spice Girls were in

*i talked to Karlye about her grades

*when I was 11 we went to Disney. I wore my Xmas dress. I got lost and Hilda helped me.

*our 5th grade teacher talked to us about the Columbine tragedy

*she went to court I don’t know why

*Karlye wore black

*our 3rd grade teacher went to court

*I went to Elizabeth’s bowling party

*I was friends with Brooke, Rachel and Martha, Brooke’s dog

*we read ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ in 5th grade. our teacher loved the way I read.

*my 5th grade teacher let me stay inside during gym

*the girl that had Down’s syndrome that was my best friend was named Elizabeth

*I loved the Olsen twins

*Full House was on every day from 5 - 6

*I did ballet excercises in the bathroom

*for some very odd reason, I was outside without a coat during recess when it was snowing

*I wore dresses

*when I was 11 I saw The Parent Trap. i loved that movie.

*I was also friends with David

*I thought that Shannon, girl of red hair, was 12

*everyone seemed enormously tall

*for some reason this old lady came to help us with reading

*I didn’t like my sister

*when I was 9 I vowed to myself I wouldnever drink, smoke or do drugs

*I called them ‘lemonms’ and still do

*giant easter eggs

*i watched the clouds disappear

*my dad, my sister and I met Cassi

*my dad, my sister and I ate a very nice lunch with my mom’s friend’s mom in her house. We had lemonade.

*we got a giant choclit egg for easter one year

*we took road trips. i don’t now why and I don’t know where to.

*for some strange reason, we learned about hurricanes and tornadoes’

‘So, my friend apologised. I’m glad she apologised but I’m not going to say it’s ok because it isn’t it’s not. NO I mean the apology is ok but what she did wasn’t. The fact that she upset, worried, angered, frustrated me wasn’t. And she knows that. Er obviously.

So now it’s like ‘yeah I’m sorry’ let’s move on let’s do normal shit let’s talk about normal things. And.........such. But.......no. Not for me. Idinno guess I’m still holding onto it. Just like I still hold onto a lot of things. Whatever it’s who I am.

Her birthday’s coming up soon at the end of this month. She’s gonna be 21......................I don’t wanna be angry with her on her birthday, or anyone for that matter.

So what what does this mean? Does this mean that she’s not cutting that it was just a 1 time thing? Holy f__.

I don’t know.

But this shit has been going on for the past 3.5 weeks. Damn that’s a long time. You know. So we’re going to have to backtrack a bit here. Er actually a lot, rather.

Yeah people could tell me to just let it go. Um nooooooooooo that’s not what I do that’s not who I am I’m sorry.

And this............this is different. Cuz it’s never happened before..............

I forgive just not very easi ‘

‘5th

So here I am trying to fall asleep and it’s too damn quiet. I know I can’t sleep with noise but damn. Oh man here we go. I’m incredibly tired. God I hate this. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been eating a lot of choclit lately I don’t know. God I hate it when it’s this quiet. I can fall asleep when people are talking and yet not when the tv is on. Or music’s on. Or the lights are off oh god I hate sleeping in the dark. I’ll prolly end up going to sleep eventually at like 3 in the morning. And hopefully I’ll wake up on time. And I’m sleeping next to the mirror. God I hate the mirror. There’s a song entitled ‘let me sleep next to the mirror’. Mirrors are fukin scary man. Even though it’s facing the wall it still scared me. I guess I could put it in the closet but I don’t know if it would fit. I need someone to call me so I can talk to them and then sleep. But no one ever does. Yes I know that’s not very good manners but I can also fall asleep while on the phone. My friend Lee did it once it was actually quite funny. Guess I put people to sleep lol. Um. And I’m too damn tired to try to move the mirror into the closet right now. And then there would be a big empty space on the wall where the mirror used to be. You’ll have to go to exscuse me if I go to sleep while writing this. I’ve learned to never fall asleep with your feet pointing towards the mirror. You get freaky dreams that way at least I do. I’m never doing that again. Oh god I am unbelieveably tired. That’s the first word I’ve spelt incorrectly. I think I may try to/and sleep.’

‘Well on Wednesday morning at 10 a.m. ‘

‘Tonight is an exceedingly long night. Omygod. I’m incredibly tired. I don’t know why. I’m also very depressed. Hey they’re referencing the simpsons on south park. which i’m watching. aww bubbles. theyre purple people okkkkkkk. omygod. reminds me of the purple sunscreen commercial. hey i happen to like hippies. ha ha i once wore a burger king crown. hey isnt leonard cohen the one sang the purple peopled eater song? or was that bowie? ‘

‘6th

1: FL has minorities. where i’m from in denver we have white people. ONLY white people.

2: you can’t walk anywhere. where i’m from in denver everything is 15 minutes from our house. and then i get down here and it’s like ‘where did everything go?’

ya its so weird that i’m the only one walking to school. where did all the people go?

i once walked to home depot with someone. that took 2 hours.

3: there arent city lights. which is incredibly unnerving.

4: at my complex we dont have recycling. dont yall care bout th environment? and no one picks up their trash! its ironic that everyone says florida’s so nice and yet no one picks up their trash.

5: and where in hell are the mountains??? thats the only way i knew where west was!

6: people just leave their shopping carts everywhere here.

7: you know, if it were to snow here, i’d prolly be the only one that would know what to do.

8: in most restuarants it is extremely hard for me to find something i like thats vegetarian on the menu. everyone eats seafood here.

9: we dont have houses, hoses, stop signs, woods, bridges and street cleaners.

10: apparently no one has milk delivery.

11: and it rains too much. why the hell does it rain??? i mean i know why. like, scientifically. obviously. but god in denver it never rained.

12: when its 60 down here it’s freezing to me.

13: i guess since it never gets cold down here they dont need indoor malls. they also have 1 level malls. ....my mom was astounded at the # of malls there are down here.

14: fl has more posters of naked women than anywhere i’ve been.

15: is it common for mothers to not take their children into stores with them when shopping?

16: ive only seen 10 squirrels since i’ve been here.

17: i have not seen a single deer. or llama.

18: apparently, no irish people live here since at CVS there aren’t any St. Patrick’s Day merchandise.

19: no one has ice cube trays. or cabins. ‘

‘In FL..................lack of.......... a brick, piece of wood, rock, construction going on, wooden fences, canoe, kayak, church, stained glass or outdoorsy type store since ive been here.

normal leaves down here. or pansy flowers. or lilacs. or daffodils. or random lilies. or actually the place i find the most flowers is the grocery store. ‘

‘7th

The title of this entry being reversed is intentional.

Anyway.

Ages 12 - 14

Age 12:

*went to a private middle school

*was in 6th grade

*things were ok, a little better

*was tested for NLD

*didn’t understand a lot of things bc of my NLD

*my mother wouldn’t allow me to watch scary movies in class

*i liked my 6th grade teacher

*we had subs

*my science teacher had red hair

*we watched hercules which we were reading

*i liked my art teacher ‘

‘fuking incredible!!!!

I went to this really cool poetry thing at the college.

so first, when I got to BCC, I couldn’t find out where the poetry thing was being held, so I went inside and asked. There’s a goooooooooorgeous chandelier in BLDG 3. POTO! And giant ballet mirrors ooh ballet mirrors. So then I went back outside and sat on a bench. This guy wearing uh sunglasses walked around and then came up to me.That was odd. I whispered hi to him. He looked like that creepy guy from The Machinist. But he wasn’t fat. So then, since that made me uncomfortable, I went into the art part of BLDG 3 and looked at the gallery. Then I went to BLDG er 3 again and the guy and I taled about religion although I don’t know why. He told me about Jesus n healing n Good Friday............kind of like mom, actually.

So then we went into the er auditorium. There were designs on the stage screen. You ever seen Charmed? They had the symbol from that on there. The designs were dancing to the rap music.

So then the screen turned red and people began open micing. I read my poem about the wine and people really liked it.

Then, after awhile, the screen turned blue ooooooooo. Like when it’s first morning? That colour. Itwas really pretty. So the guest poets came onstage. They were Asia, a short asian dude.........Bridget...........uh Will a black dude, another black dude and I think someone else. Oh yeah. Kirk. I luved them theyre so kind and they have great personalities. I was the only white chick there.

Kirk has a 14 year old son.
Will has an afro.
Bridget is like me. She’s having a show at Ft Collins on the 19th.........

We had sooooooooo much fun. And I hardly new anyone but god it was incredible. I feel exhilarated!

Briget......mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......................................

Wow I’m exhilirated. Er, was, rather.

So then I got a ride home with this woman who looked like Joann from RENT. She was wonderful.’

‘because of my stupid period. God I HATE being this cold. And I’m always cold. People down here always ask me if I’m hot. No why the hell would I be hot?? I’m from CO which duh obviously means I’m always cold. I grew up being always cold. So down here I’m afraid that it’s suddenly going to get cold.

Oh god I HATE AC. I turn it on for 10 minutes and then that’s enough for me.Also it’s too fukin noisy! And with the fan I keep forgetting that I havea switch to turn the damn thingoff. You know when I interviewed for CLE Sean, 1 of our RAs told me I’d need AC. I’m like “no I’m not whatare you talking about?”. And, if you haven’t met/seen a picture of me, you prolly don’t know that I’m already pretty thin. And I don’t eat a lot. Which leads to me being even colder than I already am. And, the aforementioned ONTOP OF having my period...........yeah so now I’m pretty much fukin freezing.

Talking of which............apparently Denver is prolly going to have a White Easter. Guess Bing Crosby will have to change the words to that song. Ha ha. Cuz it snowed to-day. In Denver. & prolly will to-morrow. My God how much can it possibly snow up there? ‘Snow In August’ wow that’ll be a change. If things keep going at this rate it will prolly happen what with all the snow and such. First summer snow we’veever had. But down in Australia they have winter in June...............yeah that’s odd. Ha ha Christmas in July! Quite literally.

I hateXmas. It is my most hatedholiday. Actually I don’t like most holidays. I like Halloween. And Midsummer. And my birthday. Obviously.

The origin of Midsummer is that orignally, summer was only 1 month; June. So Midsummer was well, quite literally, the middle of summer. July & August had to be added for the Ceasers. Ha ha seize her. And Cleopatra killed herself. I’m only mentioning that bc she lived the sametime as the Cesears. Ya I don’t like Ceaser salads. I hatesalad, actually.

Omygod!!! In Florida, the ONLY remotely vegetarian thing on themenus are salads. Um I hate salads. I also hate eggs, brown rice, vegetables, most fruits, pancakes, waffles, ice creem, popsicles, most beans, muffins, nuts and breads. Unless it happens to be Panera Bread. Then I’ll eat it. Yummeeeee Panera Bread. Also, that’s the reason it’s called a Cesaerian section. Bc of the Cesears.

Oh Seinfeld ia slmost over. It was pretty funny. Kramer got novacaine and then shared a cab with this guy and the guy thought Kramer was mentally challenged. Ok I know that’s terrible and I do apologise. And Elaine dated this guy who talked about himself in the 3rd person but she didn’t know it she thought he was talking about someone else untill Seinfeld pointed it out.

So talking of suicides other people who committed it were Kurt Cobain, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolfe.........Frida attempted. Virginia Woolfe & Ophelia have a lot of similiarities. Sylvia stuck her head in the oven. That is one boring movie. Diana did not kill herself. But there was soooooooooo much bloody contreversy about that. I read an article about that once; apparently, some people thought that thedriver was a friend of hers. And that she arranged it.

The Diana & Dodi Memorial in Harrod’s in London is actually pretty cool.

Marilyn also killed herself. So did Judy Garland. I highly reccomend the movie ‘Me & My Shadow’, about Judy Garland. I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but in Wizard Of Oz, she fell asleep in a bed of poppies........um opium is made from poppies. ............and, at the end of the movie, the lion jumped through the window in an attempted suicide. Lions do not live in the fukin forest!!

And there was NOT a Munchkin suicide! It was the white wing of a rather large white bird.

Edgar Allan Poe’s death is STILL undetermined.

Anna Nicole also killed herself. I never liked her anyway.

ANOTHER person who killed himself was my great something grandfather, James Black. Yes THE James Black. Scottish sea captain. Apparently not everyone knows who he is. Actually I don’t know that much about him.

*he killed himself on Xmas Day.Hopefully not THAT Xmas Day. Absolutely everyone in my famaily BUT me wants tobelievehe died of kidney failure.Um nno I’m sorry he didn’t. Ok well I don’t know bc I, obviously wasn’t um alive during that time, but I alwaysbelieve it’s a suicide. Of course, it could’ve been both.

I have no idea where he ended up, where his wife was during all this or where in Scotland they’re from. Although from my experience you can’t understand a word the Scottish are saying.

Ummmmmm...........Joplin killed herself................as did Elvis. And River Phoenix.

Oh god. There’s this awsum poster called ‘forever 27’. GOODSEARCH it. No NOT google. GoodSearch.’

‘Well I just did some geneological research. And............here’s what I’ve noticed. Last names are not put in for confiedntiality reasons.

*Lily’s first name was Anne. Her middle name was Lillias. I wasn’t named for her, I was named for the Ann on my mother’s side.

*Lily and her sister were born...........Lily on Feb 28 and her sister on Jan 28. My sister’s bday is Jan. 22.

*they were born 8yrs apart. Damn.

*their mother’s name was Anne..............which is also my name............and Lily’s. And my great aunt’s.

*my aunt’s bday is June 13

*my cousin’sbday is June 2

*my dad’s bdayis June 10

*my grandmother is 30 yrs older than my mother

*my uncle’s bday is June 10 as well.........

*my uncle is a year older than my mom

*out of all the children that my grandmother had my aunt is the only one who does not have a June bday

*my aunt Helen was born the same year as my mother

*this woman I had never heard of was born on August 19, 1958

*I wasborn on August 17, 10987

*’

‘ok so apparently Cobain, Joplin, Hendrix and Morrison all diedat the age of 27. Aka The27Club.

Well......

*2+7 = 9

*9+1+1 is 911, 9/11..................or 11

*911 is the # called for an emergency

*during the time of the aforementioned people’s death 911 was prolly called, although I don’t know

11 +2 = 13
the # of participants at the Last Supper. My dad has an awsum art piece of this

According To Wikipedia:

The number of principles of Jewish faith according to Maimonides
According to the Torah, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy
In modern day Wicca, thirteen is considered the maximum size of a coven, and in some traditions is the ideal number of members, and there are also 13 goals of a witch.[1]
In Sikhism, the number thirteen (13) is a number devoted to the remembrance of God, therefore it is also considered lucky by people who practice the Sikh faith.
‘
According to another interpretation, the number 13 is unlucky because it is the number of full moons in a year. Actually two full moons in a single calendar month (referred to as a Blue Moon) only happens about every 2.5 years, so to say there are 13 full moons in a year is false. On average, there will be 41 months that have two full moons in a century, so a Blue Moon actually occurs about once every two-and-a-half years, and is in no way related to the number 13.[2] Women living in a natural environment tend to have their menses during a full moon.[citation needed] A twenty-eight day menstruation cycle is most typical, so a woman usually has 13 menses in a year. Supposedly, in the past, a woman who menstruated during a full moon might be thought a witch.

Early nursery rhymes stated there were thirteen months in a year because of the natural moon cycle that was used to count the lunar year. In England, a calendar of thirteen months of 28 days each, plus one extra day, known as “a year and a day” was still in use up to Tudor times. The lunar year was the easiest to count for cultures before scientific methods existed to observe the movement of the earth around the sun, so it was associated with worship of the pagan Great Goddess[citation needed] for thousands of years, which may be another reason for 13 becoming a taboo number. Taboo often is misunderstood when only half of the totem and taboo relationship is recognized. Among religions having totem and taboo characteristics, that which is taboo on a regular basis, may become quite sacred on special occasions.

The thirteenth of a month is likewise ominous, particularly when it falls on a Friday (see Friday the 13th), a Tuesday in the Greek and Spanish-speaking world, or a Monday in Russia. Months with a Friday the 13th must always begin on a Sunday.

In the Persian culture, 13 is also considered an unlucky number. On the 13th day of the Persian new year (Norouz), people consider staying at home unlucky, and go outside for a picnic in order to ward off the bad luck.’

The number of original colonies the United States was founded from. The original flag had thirteen stars, one for each state. New stars have since been added whenever a new state joins the union, but the idea of adding stripes for new states was soon dropped, so the American flag to this day has thirteen horizontal stripes: six white ones and seven red ones. ‘

Ok I learned from poetry last night that.........

*red= the Native Americans

*blue = Hitler............blonde hair blue eyes thing

*white= doves??? and purity

There are traditionally thirteen steps leading up to a gallows. It is, however, an urban myth that there are thirteen turns in a hangman’s noose (there are most commonly eight turns.)
There are thirteen letters in macabre-fiction writer Edgar Allan Poe’s name.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/13_(number)

‘Hanging people from early gallows sometimes involved fitting the noose around the person’s neck while he or she was on a ladder or in a horse-drawn cart underneath. Removing the ladder or driving the cart away left the person dangling by the neck to slowly strangle. Later, a “scaffold” with a trap-door tended to be used, meaning that victims dropped down and died quickly from a broken neck rather than through strangulation, especially if extra weights were fixed to their ankles.’

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallows

‘The lily has traditionally used in coffins and according to experts, the poet Keats used it because, “it symbolized death.” “Tombstone Art and Symbols” said of the lily, “The use of lilies at funerals symbolizes the restored innocence of the soul at death.” ‘

http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061126193220AAbzuqV

Ok maybeeveryone who lvied during the Depression lived in CO. No not really. But god we have so many bloody liliies. And apparently they’re the death flower, as I learned from the baller Giselle. The reason being that during the Depression people couldn’t afford the more expensive flowers,such as roses, for funerals so they hadlilies.

At my grandmother’s wedding there were lilies. No one believedme when I warned them not to bring lilies to the wedding. Grrrrrrr.’

‘Symbolism
Poppies have long been used as a symbol of both sleep and death: sleep because of the opium extracted from them, and death because of their (commonly) blood red color. In Greco-Roman myths, poppies were used as offerings to the dead.[1] Poppies are used as emblems on tombstones to symbolize eternal sleep. This aspect was used, fictionally, in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz to create magical poppy fields, dangerous because they caused those who passed through them to sleep forever.[2]

The poppy of wartime remembrance is the red corn poppy, Papaver rhoeas. This poppy is a common weed in Europe and is found in many locations, including Flanders Field. In many Commonwealth countries, artificial, paper versions of this poppy are worn to commemorate the sacrifice of veterans and civilians in World War I and other wars, during the weeks preceding Remembrance Day on November 11. It has been adopted as a symbol by The Royal British Legion in their Poppy Appeal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poppy

so apparently, Richey Edwards died atage 26.

John Wilkes Booth died at age 27 and was shot in a warehouse

he killed Lincoln, who died in a theatre, on April 14,1865

April 14 is also titanic day in 1912

‘Gloria Dickson (Thais Alalia Dickerson) (August 13, 1917 - April 10, 1945) was a talented leading lady on stage and Hollywood’s motion pictures in the late 1930’s.’

‘Dickson died of asphyxiation from inhalation of flames that seared her lungs. She suffered first and second-degree burns over her entire body. It is theorized the fire began by an unextinguished cigarette that ignited an overstuffed chair on the main floor, while Gloria napped upstairs. She is buried at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.’

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gloria_Dickson

she died atage 27.

as did Joseph Merrick.

and Brian Jones, a member of the Stones.

‘Sarah Kane (February 3, 1971 – February 20, 1999) was a British playwright.’ died atage 28.

as did Edie Sedgwick.

Anne Bronte died of TBatthe age of 29.’January 17, 1820 – May 28, 1849)’

Emily Bronte died at 30 of TB

as did Sylvia Plath in 1963

Alexander the Great died at the age of 32

Eva Peron died of cancer at the age of 33 in 1952.

Lorraine Hansberry died at the age of 34 of cancer in 1965.

Johnathon Larson died at the age of 35 on the opening night of RENT i 1996 of arotic dissacoation. ‘Aortic dissection is a tear in the wall of the aorta (the largest artery of the body). This tear causes blood to flow between the layers of the wall of the aorta and forces the layers apart. Aortic dissection is a medical emergency and can quickly lead to death, even with optimal treatment. If the dissection tears the aorta completely open (through all three layers) massive and rapid blood loss occurs. Aortic dissections resulting in rupture have a 90% mortality rate even if intervention is timely.’

Now here’s something ironic:

atthe age of 35 irish independence leader Wolfe Tone killed himself while waiting for execution in 1798.

Bob Marley was the reggae dude. He died at the age of 36. in 1981.

as did Marilyn in 1962.

d Diana in 97.

Bobby Darin died at the age of 37 in 1973 of complications during heart surgery.

and Veronica Guerin in 1996.

and Marie Antoinette, who was executed in 1793.

and Van Gogh in 1890.

MLK Jr was 39when he died in 1968 on april 4’

‘1893 - Mae West, American actress (d. 1980)

1914 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jr., son of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (d. 1988) died on the same day in 1988
1920 - Maureen O’Hara, actress
1960 - Sean Penn, American actor and director
on January 22,1967 ........1967 - Simon & Garfunkel perform live at Philharmonic Hall in the Lincoln Center, New York City. The recording is not released until July 16, 2002.

1947 - Afeni Shakur, 2Pac’s mother was born

1981 - Beverley Mitchell, American actress was born

1901 - Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom (b. 1819) died

1973 - Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th President of the United States (b. 1908) died

1944 - Mohandas Gandhi is freed from prison. on May 5

1818 - Karl Marx, German political philosopher (d. 1883) was born onmay 5

1981 - Danielle Fishel, American actress was born on may 5

1971 - Violet Jessop, Titanic survivor (b. 1887) died on may 5

april 7, 1965: alison lapper born

1692 - Salem witch trials: Bridget Bishop is hanged at Gallows Hill near Salem, Massachusetts, for “certaine Detestable Arts called Witchcraft & Sorceries”. on june 10

1935 - Dr. Robert Smith takes his last drink, and Alcoholics Anonymous is founded in Akron, Ohio, United States, by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob. on june 10.

1897 - Grand Duchess Tatiana of Russia (d. 1918) on june 10.

1922 - Judy Garland, American musical actress (d. 1969) on june 10

323 BC - Alexander the Great (b. 356 BC) died on june 10

1967 - Spencer Tracy, American actor (b. 1900) died on june 10’

‘8th

oymgod.

sorry.

keyboard sticking.

oweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i feel like absolute fuking hell. i hatethis i hatehaving myfuking period. cuz it meansi getreally sick. and i cannot stop shivering.

but i’m breathing. maybe not very well but i am breathing.

ok well i’m smart so i should be able to figure this out.’

‘So it’s now 10 after 5 in the morning and I’m hungry. I also smell blood. I really want something to eat but I’m not sure how that’ll effect me. I’m still shaking but...................I’d rather not go into that. I’m not really in that much pain. Still cold though. And sick. Thinkin bout food. My main goal right now is to distract myself.’

‘So apparently, it’s Easter. I guess.

I don’t particurlarly like Easter. I don’t like most holidays, actually. I hate Xmas.

First off, I don’t live with the family. And, that’s not how I classify them. It’s my sister. The Parents. And everyone else. I’m actually really glad I’m not spending Easter with The Parents. I don’t want to spend time with them, anyway. They’re not among my favourite people, to say the least.

Um I’m sorry but bunnies do not lay eggs. They’re mammals.

Wow.

They’re also kind of frightening, esp. when they’re Harvey or Frank.

My mom would prolly be the one who’d make us do the family thing. It’s not as though we have a choice.

We don’t do things as a family. We don’t eat together and never really have. No it doesn’t bother me it’s just bizarrely shocking that other people do. BC I didn’t grow up that way.

Also, I don’t like eggs.

So that was my easter vent. ‘

‘ok lilies are the flower of death. The reason being that during the States’ Great Depression, people couldn’t afford the more expensive flowers, such as roses, for funerals. So they chose the next best thing, which were lilies.

So.............with that in mind, never bring lilies to a celebration. WTF is wrong with you???

I happen to love lilies. I’m suicidal go figure. Ok well NOT NOW but just another fact about me.

No wonder I get really depressed whenever I’m in CO. We have an insane amount of lilies. And it’s pretty much dead there.

Or, at least that’s one meaning behind them. I guess another meaning could be that they symbolise purity, since they’re white and such.

But obviously I’m the kind of person who would rather go with the first meaning.

Just wanted to let you know that lilies symbolise death and to never bring them to a celebration.

I realise I’m the only one who cares about shit like this.’

‘so apparently, within this past year, it’s been snowing a lot in Denver. Where, it never ever snows. Not like this anyway. When I was on holiday there we had to stay inside bc the weather people told us to bc there was a 36 hour blizzard the very week after there was another blizzard. The last time it snowed in Denver before that was apparently in January 2003. I wasn’t there that year I was up in Vermont where it snowed even more but never melted. I hated Vermont. Still do.

And what’s really odd is that it seemed to snow a lot more when I was younger. It like didn’t really snow for about um...........4, 5 years and then it did of January 2003 and then not untill I was 19.’

‘apparently, people who live in warmer climates have a lower body temperature, something like 97. so...........does that mean that people who live in colder climates have a higher body temperature?

also.............are there more fat people in colder climates?

no just bc um when it’s cold no one wants to go outside. bc well its cold. and so this means that when theyre inside they gain weight. i’m sorry but fat people are just unpleasent. they really shouldnt be allowed in public. how did people get so alarmingly fat anyway?

well and from my perspective.....

see i can’t relate to fat people bc i never have been. i just find it really disgusting. it’s called going on a diet.

although in london, at least when i was there, there werent any fat people at all. and its weird bc they eat so many fattening foods. but they walk everywhere. so they dont ever get fat.

and ok if a fat woman is raped, or about to be, then it’s a lot harder for her to try to get away. bc if you havent already noticed by now its not very easy for fat people to move.

im sorry.

but its true.

yeah ok im going to keep this entry private.

so...........by that logic, then .......um........the majority of women who are raped would be fat. i think. maybe. bc of what i just explained.

which is why you should never wear heels when dating a guy. or walking at night. a person cant get very far by running in heels esp. a fat person.

but apparently no one thinks of this.

ok and why the hell are black people so fat? im sorry but ya most black women i know are fat.

oh wait i know! bc a lot of them live in the south. where they have um chicken. and seafood. my god i have never been to so many seafood places in my life! and as we all know meat is fattening. so by eating meat a person would just get fat. which is one reason i dont.

and i guess bc its so warm down here and no one walks around then they would also get fat. er.’

‘Time:

1 - 12: morning

1 - 5 p.m.: afternoon

5 - 8 p.m.: evening

8 - 1 a.m.: night

Seasons

summer: june-august

fall: september, october

winter: november - february

spring: march - may

this applies only if you live in CO.’

‘Ok so as everyone in the States know, to-day is Easter. Which, means eggs, springtime, flowers and rebirth. Well, and birth in general. Yay flowers i luv flowers! And apparently you can learn a lot from them, according to Alice.

My point being...........eggs. Mothers. Full moons. Tarot cards. Feminime.

Well, I’m having my period..............which, means um well ‘eggs’. Which eventually means giving birth. Well, not for me. I mean like it’s possiblebut...............yeah. One of my friends is pregnant.

Again, birth.

So, when women are pregnant, they are round. As is the full moon. And, according to what I’ve read online, ummmmmmmmm............................’‘

‘Have you ever wondered about the connection between your body’s 28 day cycle and the cycle of the moon? Here’s the theory. In the days before electricity, women’s bodies were influenced by the amount of moonlight we saw. Just as sunlight and moonlight affect plants and animals, our hormones were triggered by levels of moonlight. And, all women cycled together. Today, with artificial light everywhere, day and night, our cycles no longer correspond to the moon. This article is dedicated to exploring menses: fact and fiction, then and now.’’‘
http://www.fwhc.org/health/moon.htm
That site gives you way more info than you ever wanted/need to know.
So.............I guess bleeding is like cleaning, sort of.
Oh here we go:
‘
Customs and Traditions
Indians of South American said all humans were made of “moon blood” in the beginning.
In Mesopotamia, the Great Goddess created people out of clay and infused them with her blood of life. She taught women to form clay dolls and smear them with menstrual blood. Adam translates as bloody clay. ‘
And.....................................’
From the 8th to the 11th centuries, Christian churches refused communion to menstruating women.
In ancient societies, menstrual blood carried authority, transmitting lineage of the clan or tribe.
Among the Ashanti, girl children are more prized than boys because a girl is the carrier of the blood.

Chinese sages called menstrual blood the essence of Mother Earth, the yin principle giving life to all things.
Some African tribes believed that menstrual blood kept in a covered pot for nine months had the power to turn itself into a baby.
Easter eggs, classic womb-symbols, were dyed red and laid on graves to strengthen the dead.
A born-again ceremony from Australia showed the Aborigines linked rebirth with blood of the womb.
Post-menopausal women were often the wisest because they retained their “wise blood.” In the 17th century these old women were constantly persecuted for witch craft because their menstrual blood remained in their veins. ‘
http://www.fwhc.org/health/moon.htm’

‘Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ok, so I learned from a movie that the days of the week are a relatively new term. Which is a; why more people farmed>that’s how I used to get my vegetables>, and B: how we knew when to harvest. Hence the term ‘harvesr moon’. Because, during the winter, there’s less sunlight. Obviously. Which means that the nights are longer and there is more moonlight. Which is another way of looking at things.

Why do we have a lunar calander?

Well, here’s myt heory: back then, more water was on this earth, since we didn’t have global warming and such. The moon pulls th eocean, which pulls certain people to it. They have a connection to the moon through the ocean.

‘The full moon fuks with people’s emotions’-Athena

yes it does. I’ve definately noticed this. Since this happens many people, around the time of the full moon, were thought to be crazy. Hence the term ‘lunatics’.

And this is prolly why women are more emotional.I know Iam.

What about the myth that cows jump over themoon? ‘only thing to jump overthemoon’

Well, I’m not sure how that came about. But cows are female. And they go ‘moooo’.

Do cows have their periods?

I have no idea. I know cats do.

Speaking of cats, why are they nocturnal?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm that’s a very good question. I don’t know. But why are people nocturnal?

Why are people nocturnal?

I think, it depends on the time one was born. And theseason.

For example, I wasborn between 6 and 7 p.m. in August. That’s prolly the reason I am nnocturnal and that I luv summer.

‘I want to wail at the moon like a cat in heat take me out tonight’

Hmmmmmmmmm.............well that’s interesting.

Whydo wolves/dogs howl at the moon?

Hmmm that’s another good question. I don’t know but maybe it’s a form of communication.

Do our bodies have liquid/water cycles, esp the women?

This is my newest theory.............

BTW I interviewed myself.’

‘Magnified.

Ok. So.

Being an incredibly curious person I have a lot of questions about things. I’mone of themost curious pepoleI know. Which I thinkis good. ‘

‘There are a lot of foods I don’t like, such as...........bread, waffles, muffins, meat, vegetables, most fruits, ice creem, most bagels, popsicles, syrup, most beans, most rice, nuts.

Bread/waffles/muffins/most bagels/mashed potatoes/: too dry. Oh and I got sick from mashed potatoes in London.

Meat: I’m a vegetarian

Ice creem/popsicles: too cold

Everything else, I just don’t like it.

I DO however like.............mangos, peaches, tomatoes, refried beans, white rice, soybeans, Lunabars, Indian food, creem cheese, sour creem, cinnamon raisin bagels, hummus, pretzel stix, pasta, $30 almonds, veggie dip.

White rice: the only kind of rice I will eat’

‘9th

O shit. owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i am so fukin sick. i felt like i did on day 1. i hate this! why is it so fukin cold???? i’m not usually this cold in florida. o god.

and dizzy. o crap.

its florida for god’s sake! who the hell gets cold in florida?

and for some reason i cant get on SG. i dont know why. which has absolutely nothing to do with this.

ow.

i just took midol about 20 minutes ago.

well unless its being cold from the AC. i hate AC.

but its now on cuz i was hotb4.

ok well and its prolly made worse by the fact that im not eating. bc ive been to sick to eat.

im still really sick tho.

god if this is what it feels like to be pregnant then i am never getting pregnant. not that i plan to anyway.

although 1 thing that i wouldlike to eat are these really good black speckled circle crackers we have up in denver. whatr they called?

when will it stop?

this is why i havent gone anywhere. im too sick to go anywhere.

fuk.’

‘Do you think............if I called a 24hr nursing place they could help?

Ok well I just had some liquid Pepto which is seeming to help. For now.

Well, I’m pretty smart so I should be able to figure this out:

A: I know how a woman gets her period

B: I don’t know why I keep getting sick from mine

C: or why it’s heavy

maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven’t gotten it since the week before I went on holiday for spring break?

That was in March by the way.

And I don’t eat. So my body’s making up for the fact that I don’t eat by bleeding a lot???

I don’t know...................

However, this means I’m not cutting.

ok well here’s what I know about being sick:

A: youbecome really tired bc your body’s trying to fight

B: therefore, you need lots of rest. Which I’ve been getting.

C: and to drink fluids, which I’ve also been doing

Yay for science class! Never thought I’d say that.’

‘5:45 p.m.

feeling: really really happpy. yay!

:)

moooooooo.

Ok, well this summer, along with everything else I;m doing I plan to:

1: buy my own food

2: take a cooking/nutrition class yayyyyyyyy

3: cook/meal prep with Karma, Jesse, etc.

And I have several recipes I want to try and am going to talk to Melissa my HHO/MPP lady about them and trying them. And also about eating healthier/better, even if I just have a smoothee/bagel/Indian food when she’s there. Cuz Idinno.

I learned to-day that the expression ‘out of sight out of mind’ def. applies to food. If the food is put away and I don’t see it then chances are I might not eat it. Not sure what to do about this....................hmmmmmmm............

Maybe if I print out pictures of food and put them in my kitchen? I don’t know.............’

‘So lately I’ve been really cold. And I’m not usually particularly cold in FLorida.

I read that being cold can be a sign of anemia.

Oh well that’s just great. Really.

However, apparently anemia is pretty common.

This does not mean I haveit.

I also grew up being always cold.

It does however mean that I need more iron. Which apparently can help ‘lessen’, for lack of a better term, period sickness. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............I’m not sure how this works..........................but I want to!

So I’ve looking at the foods I have at my place, for what have iron in them::

Bagels

Amy’s Indian food

Amy’s lasagna

yay!

I also apparently mean I need more protein. I don’t know what protein does for you............but I need more of it. Cuz I’m ALWAYS getting that question about: ‘where do you get your protein?’ God I HATE that question!!

Well, where do you get yours?

Oh wait. From meat. That’s right. Which I don’t eat since obviously I’m a vegetarian

So before I even get asked that question I provide the answer.

Well, some vegetarians get their protein from nuts, beans, peanut butter & hummus.

I don’t like nuts, most beans.

I do, however, like peanut butter. And hummus.

And, with my braces, I really don’t think I could eat nuts...........well I mean ok I guess I could. Hell I could do anything I want. I just really do not want to go through the process of having my braces glued back ON my teeth.

By the way.........if you have braces do not eat cereal bars. That’s how I lost the um shiny metal dudes that they glue onto your teeth. But they didn’t put that on the list, which, by the way, hasn’t been updated since the ‘90’s.

Well I like flavoured nuts. Hehe. I’m sorry.

Omygod. At the end of the latest Wallace n Grommitt movie there’s a um nuts joke.

I adore Wallace n Grommitt.

I don’t think I spelt ‘Grommitt’ correctly though.

What exactly is a grommitt?

Oh and I like the $30 almonds.

Also..............carbs = energy. Carbs are in pasta. A lot of people are ‘afraid’ of carbs though I don’t know why....

And transfat is bad for you.

So are sweets. Cuz they’re fattening. Which, for me at least, is the entire point.

And clotted creem o god I luuuuuuv clotted creem. We had it in London.

If you ever go to London, and you have tea at Fortnum/Portnum & Mason’s, have the Queen Anne tea.

And no I’m not just reccomending this bc I’m Anne................:) ‘

‘Anger vent, be warned, uncensored:

NOTICE: names of people, sites not disclosed for secutiry/confidentiality reasons. I hate doing that but ‘better safe than sorry’. Thank you for repsecting this.

yes and apparently everyone loves you. On SG everyone’s alwayssaying ‘oh__we love you youre amazing’. God you get so much fukin attention. And yet you apparently hate me. And for what? I did nothing. I would know if I had. You, the majority of people that are members, think I’m an impersonator. Not on that site. Never would be there.

I’m an actress it’s to be expected.

No i did not impersonate someone else on the site. And for those who think that you all owe me the biggest apology/explanation.

And now the rules have changed bc of this.

Therefore, I can’t post bc I don’t know how it’ll go and I reeeeeeeally don’t want to start anything.

I thought they were different. Yeah they were but not in the way I expected.

You told me ‘oh look in your blog its all there’ what’s all there? MY thoughts MY feelings MY opinions MY writing? Yes that is. NOT anyone else’s.

I’m sorry but you have some major issues. I don’t want to talk to someone who’s angry with me. If you’re angry with me well wait awhile, choose your words carefully. Don’t be a bitch.

And then you wonder why I don’t talk to you.

Yes and apparently everyone loves you.

No one there’d notice if I went missing. Funny thing is, they haven’t, actually.

I don’t understand why they all think you’re so perfect.

Even though I did absolutely fuking nothing I’m apologising. How much sense does that make?

........................................................................+++++++++===

talk about feeling unimportant.

“You’re nothing but a deck of cards”

couldn’t’ve said it better myself Miss Alice.’

‘10th

So...........this is a difficult morning for me. I did a lot of crying in the bathroom............and now I can finally explain myself.

I was having flashbacks; of last summer, of my violation. Those were really hard.

I’m so scared. I keep thinking this period thing is going to go on longer. I want it to stop.

My body hates this. I ate a little more to-day. I’m incredibly frustrated with myself for having an ED. Why can’t I just know when I need to eat, and stick to the schedule?

Why is it so different for me?

I’m trying so hard to start to recover from it. But I just want to BE recovered not recovering. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

It’s scary how thin I’ve become. And I hate that I have to admit I have a problem. Even though I know that people will probably be very receptive to helping me. But I don’t want anyone to see me differently. To see me as................broken.

I’m afraid they will. I’m incredibly embarassed by this. That’s why it’s hard for me to ask for help.

But it’s about so much more than food. It’s about love, or lack thereof, rather. I’m looking for........a mom. I mean, the love of a mom.

I do blame myself for the ED. I do. It frustrates me. That I have to change that I have to make food decisions. That I have to actually remember to eat and what to eat.

But I really really want to change. I do.

People will tell me ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ or ‘don’t be embarassed’. I don’t want that. I want to look at things differently, in a different light, from a different perspective. But I have no idea how. Or even where to start.

People will also tell me that I’m not fat. I view myself as such, sometimes. I don’t want them to tell me that. I want them to acknowledge my thoughts, my feelings. Rather than telling me the opposite of what I say.

This coming summer, I’m really hoping to take a cooking class, to help me. Maybe with a friend of mine.

I have a therapist. I talk to her, but I choose what I talk about and don’t talk about. I’m not sure I want to bring this up, but it is an option. I like having options.

I’m always gentle with other people but why not myself? Why is that so difficult for me? It doesn’t have to be it doesn’t have to be anything.

Sometimes, it’s a lot easier not to change because that way you don’t have to make decisions for yourself.’

‘1: not sleeping
2: night
3: loneliness
4: obvious questions
5: ignorance
6: when people dont call me
7: when i cant find my phone
8: my stupid period
9: being sick
10: being sick from my stupid period
11: not knowing
12: impatient people
13: my ex boyfriend for obvious reasons
14: the dark
15: clowns
16: frank
17: silent hill
18: some movies
19: meat
20: AC
21: ice creem
22: certain foods
23: my ED
24: anger
25: being angry
26: drainage
27: being drained
28: when people dont explain things to me
29: pep rallies
30: those really long horrid nights 31: when people dont email me 32: when people are angry with me for no apparent reason 33: being fuking cold 34: infomercials 35: noise/loudness 36: space mountain/spaceship earth
37: roller coasters 38:insensitivity 39: being tired 40: sno 41: winter 42: depression 43: making small talk 44: vermont/prs 45: fyre 46: fyreworx 47: forests 48:flashbaqs
49: incorrect grammar/spelling/punctuation, etc 50: expectations 51: obligations 52: being ignored 53: not being message-ed/replied to 54: goats 55: period hell 56: PMS 57: being bitchy bc of PMS 58: worms 59: men 60: sometimes, complete silence
61: feeling ignored

62: not getting attention

63: the fact that Jo died :(((((

64: not having had a chance to know Jo :(((((

65: religious shows>sorry

66: headaches

67: fear
68: paranoia

69: being used

70: the wearing of fur

71: feeling worthless

72: feeling undeserving

73: helicoptors
74: feeling exceedingly fuking uncomfortable

75: propellor planes

76: lightboxes

77: meds

78: clueless people

79: mirrors
80: fukin scary dreams

81: ‘

‘1: my eyes

2: my friends

3: women

4: the moon

5: my hair

6: my hands

7: karmala!

8: manatees
9: cows

10: the british

11: the theatre

12: photography

13: sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep

14: having fun

15: dancing

16: sunflowers
17: incense

18: summer

19: cats

20: hugs

21: choclit

22: being warm

23: art
24: elephants

25: stuffed animals

26: being loved!!

27: lilies

28: london

29: lotuses

30: spyders awwwwwwww

31: butterflies!
32: bleeding from cutting

33: sweets

34: cake

35: trees

36: cupcakes

37: stevie!

38: water

39: flowers
40: poetry

41: reading

42: being silly

43: learning

44: originality

45: my grandmother

46: irish accents

47: ireland in general
48: ballet

49: southern accents

50: CO

51: the river

52: oldies

53: celtic things

54: faeries
55: twilight

56: sunset

57: vanilla

58: smoothees

59: spinny dudes........uh those’r called pin wheels...........right?

60: rainbows

61: glitter
62: shineeeeeeeeeeeee things

63: birdees

64: ‘

‘1: frank

2: silent hill

3: fire

4: anger, esp my mothers

5: flashbaqs

6: men/my father

7: losing people/pets

8: clowns
9: worms

10: mirrors

11: midgets

12: being raped

13: people’s reactions

14: ‘

‘Like I said, insomniac.

Why is it light outside?

I’m sorry I know that must seem like an odd question to those of you who actually sleep. But I don’t/didn’t, least not last night. So I’m all confused and I think it’s supposed to be night time which would mean that it’s dark out. Obviously.

I wonder if this is how cats feel............hmmmmmmmmm...............

but their lives are so much simpler.

I want to fuking sleep damnit.

I have a test in like 2 hours for socilogy. Which, by the way, has become exceedingly boring.

And then therapy.

And then I’ll prolly come here n sleep.

And then be up all night.

Mmmmmmmmmm sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I could sleep now and miss the test. No that’s not good.

Wait today’s Tuesday. Right? I think?

Uh damn.

Sigh.

I want a cat. Oh god do I want a cat. That’s what was going through my head as I was having my recent breakdown. It was 2 in the morning and I didn’t think there was anyone I could call. It was horrid. And scary.

I started emailing some people I knew about it but then realised I wasn’t making any sense, as I was fukin hysterical. And we wouldn’t’ve gotten anywhere, what with me being hysterical and such.

That’s also why I didn’t call.

Cuz if I had a cat then I could have someone there.

But cats die. All living things die, as ridiclously bloody as it sounds. It’s true. And, according to Donnie Darko, all living creatures on this earth die alone. God I hated that movie. It scared the hell out of me.

But, if you think about it, it’s kind of a comforting thought, dying. I mean, clearly one can’t undo the damage but.......Idinno. When you’re in as deep as I am at this particular moment in time..........

I’ll write more later. ‘

‘I. Need. Help.

g2g’

‘I’m really scared right now. And, unstable, I think. I don’t know what to I’m afraid to leave my room but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s bc I know I’ll get the pills.............or another implement. And I don’t want to. Not now.

I don’t know what to do. I have no one to call. And anyway what would I tell them?

Well, for whomever read this, thank you for taking a moment to at leat sit down and read this. And leave notes, comments and such.

As aforementioned, I need help right now.’

‘Well........................I didn’t want it to have to come to this but

I’m suicidal. Slightly.

But I don’t want it to get worse. I don’t want to act upon this.

I realise there’s a big difference between thinking and acting.

I’m not thinking clearly enough.

Thank you to whomever.’

‘Hey yall;

I barely even know you, and you me. Except through what we write on here. And yet the few of you that have left comments about my last few entries helped me. Just by doing the smallest thing, you helped me.

Oh look now I’m cryin.

Er wait you can’t see...................knew that.

I don’t have AIM btw.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww thanks

I’m still unstable as all hell but just knowing...........................

thank you so very much.

Hugs for all of you!

BTW is there a way for me to PM one of you................??’

‘’she died her name was April’

‘its out again sorry about your friend’

Well ironically, this wonderful woman um.............died. A lot of people knew her, and loved her. She’s one of the most beautiful, angelic women.

But she’s absolutely right:

1: I need to let peole know that I’m not ok. I may not be able to explain why but I know I’m n ot ok. And I don’t want to explain.

2: Hugs! They’re one of the most important things in the entire world to me. My parents do hug me but it’s the suffocating kind of hug. That’s why, every single day I was in school last year, I would always hug at least one person.

3: I realise we don’t know each other. But what made you decide to try and help me?

This is my only form of communication right now. But I’m hoping it’s enough. I’m afraid to leave my room I don’t want to. I don’t know why. There are a lot of things I don’t know right now.

I do NOT want to attemt suicide right now.

I do however want to cut. On a scale of 1 - 10 the urge is rolly a 1........or a 2........or a 3 now that I’m thinking about it more.

I prolly won’t cut. I don’t know why.

I realise I can’t make promises not to do anything. But I think I am choosing different options. I’m...........looking at things differently.

If, next time this happens, next time I’m feeling this way, and I end up cutting, so be it. I tried something new, something different this time.

Right now, it’s all about trying something different.

OH! And here’s something else I’ve just noticeD: I’m writing. I’m communicating. I’m asking. Even if I’m not sure how .......................... I’m doing something about this situation.

I do not want people to expect me to make promises. I’m not just talking about now, I’m talking about in general. If you don’t agree with my decisions, that’s fine. I can’t make you agree. But I’d like to leave it at that.

I Need....................someone who can help me feel ok/safe. That I don’t have to explain myself to. That can listen/be gentle with me even if it’s a godawful hour. Pretty much summing up all of the aforementioned.

Again, thank you.’

‘I’m actually feeling much better, physically. Excet that I’m dreadfully tired, which isn’t anything new. I haven’t felt sick since around 10 last night. I had a breakdown but that’s already been mentioned.

‘around 10 last night’ that was last night.................right? Yeah cuz taday’s Tuesday. After awhile of not sleeping the days all stream together and you can’t tell which is which..............................

I think it has something to do with the fatc that I ate. Ok so I didn’t eat that much but what I did eat was quite healthy. I’m not sure which is better......................

So I’m no longer madly uncomfortable. Thank God. Yeah that wasn’t fun as you can very well imagine...................’

‘Yes I put a RENT quote with swearing in it for my title.

RENTheads of the world unite!

Yeah ok.

So, um early as all hell this morning, I went out into my>yes my yay!>kitchen to get something to drink. And, I just happened to be looking at the ceiling fan. I don’t know why. That seems to be my catch phrase lately. So um anyway one of the uh lights had an aura around it. It was golden with pink in the middle. It was large. And really pretty.

Yes I’m weird aura chick!

The Queen has Arrived. tehe. :)

My mother’s alter ego is The Red Queen/Queen Of Hearts.

So either I was seeing things/going crazy cuz I was dreadfully tired.........or....................

Believe what you will I can’t make you believe otherwise.

Also, I went mad back when I was 15 thank you.

I saw that right after I had my breakdown.

And then I looked again at 8 this morning and it was gone.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................

Why would a random object have an aura around it?

DUn dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

:)

So that was the first strange that happened.

---

2: During the poetry night thing, I was sitting in the front row. And, as one of the poets was performing, I felt everything around me sink.

---

3: I kept seeing flashes of neon lights; green, blue.

Yes I’m aware that sounds like part of a Simon & Garfunkel song.’

‘Is it really?

Damn.

Where’d the time go?

It flew! like Peter Pan in London.

ooooooooooooo Londoooooooooooooon.

I remember when my friend Rose and I were in theatre camp we did part of Peter Pan. I was Tinkerbell!

I adore Tinkerbell. ‘

‘flashbacks but I’ve been thinking about HIM a lot. Yes I still can’t bring myself to say HIS name. I reference HIM either as HIM/HIS or my ex boyfriend. Not for what HE did to me. .........................

April 16 was the last time I saw HIM. I don’t think HE saw me. HE was drinking Starbucks. I was sitting against the library. HE was skinny.

That night, I told my sister about it. She was going to a rave. It must’ve been a Friday. Or a Saturday. I need a perpetual calander. That’s another word I don’t know how to spell.

When I told her, she hugged me. This hardly ever happens. Then she went on to her rave.

Oh, by the way................the reason I use all caps here is to distinguish my exboyfriend from all the other males I know.

So much has changed since then. It’s now April 10th.............6 more days......................I’m now in FL. I have no idea where HE is and I really don’t care. He wanted to get together. We talked on the phone. It never hapened thank God.

That was back when my sister was still doing drugs. She’s not anymore. That was when she still had an ED. She doesn’t, anymore. I do. I still do. Correction. She still smokes but has a life plan set out, sort of. I only have mine set out for the next year. And then I have no idea after that. Seems like most people know their life plan. I’m the onle one that doesn’t.

One of my other ex[boyfriends. I’m bi............I think. Whatever.] Matt, is an EMT. Or..............wants to be, rather. Or something that has to with that.

Matt is such a great guy, and a great friend. Now if I could only get his phone number/email...........which actually, is on top of 1 of my dressers up in my room in Denver. Yeah that’s not going to help me now.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....................’

‘First, let me say that I for one.............or 2................or 3.....................do NOT believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Every. Damn. Thing.

Secondly, I think that I have good reasons for doing what I do.

Thirdly, I’m the kind of person who has a reason for everything she does.

Fourthly, Vitamin C drops are my candy.

Fifthly?, Lee is a panda!!!

I realise the last 2 have nothing to do with the rest of them.

Now, with that being said...........................this is really weird.

Week 1: Well, around the weekend before the one we just had, my sister felt horrid bc of her IUD thinger..........or, something like that.

Then, she was feeling better.

Last Saturday, April 7, I felt horrid.

Now, April 10, I’m feeling better.

However....................this other girl I know is sick.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Moooooooooooooooo’

‘1: 6 bottles of bubbles, no bubble wands. Do not get me started on this one.

2: therapy: i don’ t want to go

3: the dance

4: buy a ticket

5: the fact that its too bloody bright outside>yeah i keep the blinds closed

6: i need milk

7: lack of sleep

8: lack of cupcakes

9: having not talked to several of my friends in awhile

10: waiting to hear back from ali

11: duct tape shoe again

12: more memory cards

13: i’m hungry but i don’t know what to eat

14: period

15: surgery

16: my stupid ED

17: the fact that lindsey hasnt emailed me

18: dishewasher

19: disposal

20: trash

21: must find pretty soap i dont know where it went

22: ‘

‘11th

‘I hate the world today.
You’re so good to me,
I know but I can’t change.
Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath,
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried.
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side,
I can understand how you’d be so confused,
I don’t envy you.
I’m a little bit of everything
all rolled into one
[Chorus:]
I’m a bitch,
I’m a lover,
I’m a child,
I’m a mother,
I’m a sinner,
I’m a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed.
I’m your hell,
I’m your dream,
I’m nothing in between.
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

So take me as I am,
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man.
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous,
And I’m going to extremes:
Tomorrow I will change,
And today won’t mean a thing

[Repeat Chorus]
I’m a bitch,
I’m a lover,
I’m a child,
I’m a mother,
I’m a sinner,
I’m a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed.
I’m your hell,
I’m your dream,
I’m nothing in between.
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.
Just when you think you’ve got me figured out,
The season’s already changin’.
I think it’s cool you do what you do
And don’t try to save me.

[Repeat Chorus]
I’m a bitch,
I’m a lover,
I’m a child,
I’m a mother,
I’m a sinner,
I’m a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed.
I’m your hell,
I’m your dream,

I’m nothing in between.
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

I’m a bitch,
I’m a tease,
I’m a goddess on my knees.
When you hurt,
When you suffer,
I’m your angel undercover.
I’ve been numb,
I’m revived,
Can’t say I’m not alive,
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way.’

Yeah basically. I’ve become such an angry bitch lately. I do apologise. And thank you to those of you who put up with me as I know it hasn’t been easy.’

‘Cole Porter: Anything Goes>first ‘stanza’

‘Times have changed,
And we’ve often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stem, ‘Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them. ‘

Yes times HAVE changed. People, have changed. Guess now it’s switched and now I’m the edyg one yet again. Ugg I don’t know.
Hmm well there’s a switch: ‘Plymouth Rock would land on them…‘ But lately, that’s what it seemed has happened. Giant rocks have landed on people! :) ‘

‘and suicide.

So, our last night in Disney we stayed at the Carribbean Beach. Where they have, obviously, a beach. God. I haven’t been to the beach in such a long time. It was wonderful, if only for a moment. Aside from the fact that I was absolutely fuking hysterical and lost and scared and suicidal and such...............it was a good night. I stayed on the beach for awhile........................I still remember the conversation Lindsey and I had over the phone that night, most of the words. God. So much has changed since then....................................but I’m once again suicidal. It is how I am. It’s a state of being.

I miss the beach......................the smoothees........................that night. It was beautiful and wonderful and sad.’

‘so right now I honestly dont feel like living. I’ve become so angry lately. I apolosigse...........to everyone. For everything.

idinno..........I don’t want people to tell me to call someone. I don’t want them to tell me what to do or what not to do. i hate that. I don’t want them to say anything. I want to keep my thoughts to myself bc I know if I let them out people will say things. They’ll freak out. Yes I know you’re all worried but could you please actually tell me that? Instead of freaking out. Because honestly, that doesn’t help me at all. As unpredictable as things are right now.

And I don’t know if anyone’s noticed or not but I’m still effin here. Even if I don’t want to talk about anything. Even if I can’t won’t don’t want to explain things. Even if I say ‘“I don’t know how to explain this but I need help” and that’s all I want to say. The fact is, I’m writing things, even if it’s not very much, even if I don’t want to go into details. But I’m letting you know how I feel and what I do want and don’t want. And that I’m writing about emotions which means I’m feeling which means I’m not. completely. numb. cuz that is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced.

Although actually, right now being numb wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Cuz I’ve gone from one extreme to the next.

But is it worrying you more that i’m not saying anything? I don’t want to do, say, type, write anything that makes me uncomfortable in any way. But would you rather have the details?

That’s debatable.’

‘Ok so apparently, it’s going to rain. Which, will be good for FL. But not, for me. I’m suicidal enough as it is thank you. To quote John Lennon: ‘everybody’s talkin but no one says a word’ Power to the people dun dun power to the people. As opposed to what? The animals?

Hmmmmmmmmm interesting thought..........

Or I know! Xmas lights.

Xmas lights: intended for outdoor or indoor use only

um, as opposed to...........what, exactly? another use?

Well actually now that I think about it, with my current state of mind.............

um anyway.

Ok if it’s cloudy isn’t it supposed to be cold??? But noooooooooooo. It’s not. It’s like 70 fuking degrees! Whyyyyyyyyyyy.

I’m hungry.

God I hate being thing. Wait............er, well..........I hate being this thin. Yeah I now hate erm pelvic bones.

You know what’s weird?

MOO! COWS!

Sorry. I actually adore cows.

Random bursts of randomness...........ness.......cow.........ness........

Oh. right.

Is that when people don’t eat, they get sick.

But...................when they eat too much, they get sick.

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........................

A ‘happy medium’ as my best friend would say. She is the only one I have ever heard say that phrase.

And I, am the only one who says words such as ‘horrid’ and ‘lovely’. And phrases such as ‘on holiday’ and ‘I adore’. And spells certain words this way: ‘faery’, ‘sno’, ‘fyre’, ‘fyreworx’, ‘cheqin in’, ‘organise’, ‘colour’, ‘harbour’, etc.

So. Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

First Impression Of To-day: rainy. gray. supposed to be cold. Reminds me of November.

I want. To sleep.

I’m going. To the store.

Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo’

‘I hate this. I hate how fragile I feel i am. how mentally instable. unstable? i dont know. and right now i dont care. i hate how im some broken china doll that you cant play with and has to be given at a certain age. i hate how im a teddy bear and my stitching keeps falling out and people have to literally fukin literally stitch me back together. either that or i dont have stuffing to begin with because i dont eat! we’re all frailties all of us. and its so hard for us to be gentle with ourselves. i hate that people have to be extremely careful around me, esecially lately. i hate how my gorgous lovely green eyes convey how im feeling. i hate being thin this thin. i hate that i scare people with my thoughts feelings emotions. i never mean to. they dont know how to handle me what who ive become. i hate that. i hate feeling vulnerable which is why i never open myself up. but only when the cocoon opens can a thing of beauty emerge. i hate that when i talk its hard for people to understand me and thats why i dont like talking on the phone. well one of the reasons. thats why im having this surgery. i hate that its something i was born with. i hate that i crying over this now. because it hurts so much. i hate that i cry over the smallest, stupidest, most pathetic things like the lack of bubble wands. i hate that i have no one to come home to. i hate that i dont have many friends here if any. i hate that its very hard for me to make friends. i hate that i know that id hurt people if i posted details about my suicidal tendencies. i hate that im so fragile that i cant handle this on my own. i hate that i have to ask for help. i hate that im so fragile that i need to ask for help. i hate crying. i hate that i feel i cant do certain things have certain emotions because i’m 19, a woman. i hate making food decisions. ‘

‘So, my mom’s mother is doing much much better. Yay!!!! :)

However................my dad’s mother is in the hospital. She fell. And hit her head. :((. They did a CAT scan>meow>on her and apparently, there’s a bruise on the right side of her brain. So, her left side has been effected. She has trouble processing, and using her left side.

This is so sad though. I luv her she’s one of my favouritest people.

Hmmmmm. Maybe I should buy myself some sunflowers, in her honour. Hey that would make a great birthday gift for her! :). I remember she always used to have sunflowers growing round her light post.

So now I’m kind of sad.

:( ‘

‘12th

i’m still not smilin today
the blak sunshine gets in my way
it turns my crystal wings to ashes
which are thrown into the River Shannon.
-anne beman young. june 13, 2005.’

‘WRITTEN APRIL 13, 2005

Broken Angel

You can’t repair

a broken angel.

You can’t replace

a broken heart

You can’t piece back

a shattered soul.
You can’t repair

all the pain

You can’t turn back

the years of time

You can’t make up

for your regrets.

You can’t repair
the scars I have

You can’t stop me

from making cuts

You can’t bring back

the happiness.

You can’t hold back

the oceans of tears

You can’t bring back
my dying soul.’

‘Activities you’d do if not afraid;
IDK

Things you love about being human;
IDK

Attempted;
suicide, piercing belly button (which, btw, hurts like hell don’t try it unles you’re a massichist)

Drugs/other you’ve tried;
beer, wine, midol

People youve tried to be(goth, cheerleader, etc.);
Goth
Group/s you’d fit into at school;
My OWn

Group/s you want to fit into at school;
None

Stupid things youve done;
ummmmmmmmmmm

Things you regret;
ummmmmm
Middle name:
Beman
What youre 1st and middle name mean:
Anne: grace

What you wish your name was;
IDK

Named after;
ancestors

Hair colour/s;
people say it’s different colours

What colour/s you wanted your hair to be;
ummmmmmmmmm
Eye colour/s;
greeeeeeeeen

What colour/s you wanted your eyes to be;
ummmmmmm

Religion/s;
ya i’m not religious

Beliefs;
white magic, healing, angels, karma>no not my sister
birthday;
August 17
Fantasy character/s you resemble;
mermaids

Best physical/personality traits;
hair, legs, skin, hands, eyes

Things that really irritate you;
A: incorrect grammar/spelling
B: when people don’t talk correctly
C: ridiclously obvious questions

things that fascinate you;
fyre, the moon, the stars, flames, the sky
favourite;
beverages; water, Vitamin Water, Soda, Arizona Ice Tea
scents; lavander, strawberry,
food/s; pasta, chocolate
season/s; summer
book/s; reading them
movie/s; IDK
scents; lavander, strawberry,
food/s; pasta, chocolate
colour/s; purple
materials; lace, velvet,
things;
bubbles
warm baths
snow
roses
hugs
choclate
swimming
water
sleeping’

‘PART 1:

1: always:

cold, tired

2: mirrors;

hate them

3: blood:

yummy
4: water:

ooh yay! <dives in,="" splash=""> “good bye im going to atlantis i love you all bye!” JK

5: people think you:

Don’t have any problems

6: thing/s most people don’t know about you:

i’m dark, deep, intense, etc.
i’m a BIT of a massichist

7: people say you’re:

cute

8: people say you could be:

a cheerleader

9: morning or night person?
very late night - very early morning

PART 3: last time you:

10: did something “bad”/”wrong”:

2 weeks ago

11: Had your period:

Mmmmmmm beg of march.
12: were online:

Before dinner

Ate something:

Dinner

Went out of the house:

Saturday night

Went to school:
Friday

Made a phone call:

7 p.m. tonight

PART 4:

cat or dog?

cat person

music?
yes what about it?

spend most of your time:

online

can’t?
whistle
aura/personality colour?
mmmmmmm it varies.
aura/personality colour people say you are?
blue
i talk/write:
like an english/irish person
With my hands
make up?
yes what about it? um not much usually just mascara and/or eye shadow
it’s the easiest thing in the world to . . .
Confuse me
I am . . .
The most ticklish person
Very literal
PART 7
Birthplace:
denver, co
came from:
my mom ha ha, other side of the mirror

Hair?
yes what about it?
Zodiac Sign:
leo
Your Heritage:
irish, german, french, swiss, british, scottish
PART 8: Describe

Your Fears:

clowns, creepy dolls, gnomes, dying, living, fyre, mirrors, empty playgrounds, anger, rape, my ex

Cuss?:

fuk no i dont
Sing Well?:

yes very

Think you’re attractive:

quite
Get along with parents:

no
PART 9:WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU . . .

Consumed Alcohol:

october

Had Sex:

never

Stolen Anything:

last summer
Done anything drastic?

Well define “drastic.”

Traveled:

Ummmmmmmmmmmm

watched bambi?

when I was 4.
PART 10:

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?:

Nope

Been trashed or completely intoxicated:

no

Been caught “doing something”?:

what, exactly.

Shoplifted?:

yes

How do you want to die?:

idk ummmmmmmmmm no comment

Do you want to die?

No comment
where do you see yourself ten years from now?

idk uhhh older? Ha ha

PART 12: FOOD

FOOD:

123: ice cream:

don’t like it, too cold

124: last time you cooked:

Last night

125: What did you cook?

pasta

1. what utensils do you use eating pizza?

my hands, sometimes a fork when it’s hot

132: FRUITS:

peaches, cherries, mangos, *fruit

133: DRINKS:

dR. pepper - sounds smart - ha ha dmb blonde joke! cherry coke, peach snapple, arizona ice tea in raspberry, *$$$ Tao Iced Tea in Passionfruit

134: MOST DISGUSTING DRINK:

Coors Lite - eww!!!

135: DESERTS:

nething chocolate, esp. drk

1. FAVOURITE FOOD?

chinese, italian, pasta, choclit (yes i realize pasta is italian)

1. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN?

um ya i don’t eat popcorn

1. FAVOURITE DESERT?

just 1?

139: least fave desert?

pudding

PART 14

What are you doing right now?

taking this survey

What was the last thing you did??

ummmmmmmmmmmm breathed?

What is right next to you?

no 1
Who was the last person you made out with?

ugh kyle dont remind me

If you were a toy, what would you be?
hmmmmmmmm

How’s the weather right now?

dark

What do you think a toblerone is?

choclit!

140: Do you wear contacts?

no… glasses…
Do you own a vehicle?

no

Blonde moments?

too many to count

Fave day of the year?

idk

Are you too shy to ask anyone out?

ummmmmmm
PART 15: THIS OR THAT
Root Beer or Doctor Pepper?

both

Skiing or snowboarding?

neither

Day or night?

nite
Half empty or half full?

what, exactly?

170: Have you ever broken a bone?

Ya

Roller coaster: scary or exciting?

Ugh

Kisses or hugs?
idk both

• 1. window seat or aisle:

Window

SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer

71: Pepsi or Coke:

coke
72: McDonald’s or Burger King:

do yall know how incredibly fattening that is?

73: Single or Group Dates:

Idk but considering the fact ive never been on a group date before . . .

PART 16: Body Ills + Skills

Do you hate anyone?
bush and dr. holden. And kyle.

do you bite your nails?

no

can you roll your tongue?

yes

do you have any habits?

yeah. um define “habits”
can you raise one eyebrow at a time?

no

if u had any tattoos what would u get and where?

vines/veins on my veins, wrapped round my arms and neck

fire

skull
+ 019. piercings and where:

none
+ 023. what jewelry do you wear 24/7?

None

PART 17: Grooming ooh horses

1. do you make your bed daily?

no
<< : Survey 50 survey : >>

My Survey Thursday, April 12, 2007

PART 1:

1: always:

cold, tired

2: mirrors;

hate them

3: blood:

yummy

4: water:

ooh yay! <dives in,="" splash=""> “good bye im going to atlantis i love you all bye!” JK

5: people think you:

Don’t have any problems

6: thing/s most people don’t know about you:

i’m dark, deep, intense, etc.

i’m a BIT of a massichist

7: people say you’re:

cute

8: people say you could be:

a cheerleader

9: morning or night person?

very late night - very early morning

PART 3: last time you:

10: did something “bad”/”wrong”:

2 weeks ago

11: Had your period:

Mmmmmmm beg of march.

12: were online:

Before dinner

Ate something:

Dinner

Went out of the house:

Saturday night

Went to school:

Friday

Made a phone call:

7 p.m. tonight

PART 4:

cat or dog?

cat person

music?

yes what about it?

spend most of your time:

online

can’t?
whistle
aura/personality colour?
mmmmmmm it varies.
aura/personality colour people say you are?
blue
i talk/write:
like an english/irish person
With my hands
make up?
yes what about it? um not much usually just mascara and/or eye shadow
it’s the easiest thing in the world to . . .
Confuse me
I am . . .
The most ticklish person
Very literal
PART 7
Birthplace:
denver, co
came from:
my mom ha ha, other side of the mirror

Hair?
yes what about it?

Zodiac Sign:
leo
Your Heritage:
irish, german, french, swiss, british, scottish
PART 8: Describe

Your Fears:

clowns, creepy dolls, gnomes, dying, living, fyre, mirrors, empty playgrounds, anger, rape, my ex

Cuss?:

fuk no i dont

Sing Well?:

yes very

Think you’re attractive:

quite
Get along with parents:

no

PART 9:WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU . . .

Consumed Alcohol:

october

Had Sex:

never

Stolen Anything:

last summer

Done anything drastic?

Well define “drastic.”

Traveled:

Ummmmmmmmmmmm

watched bambi?

when I was 4.

PART 10:

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?:

Nope

Been trashed or completely intoxicated:

no

Been caught “doing something”?:

what, exactly.

Shoplifted?:

yes

How do you want to die?:

idk ummmmmmmmmm no comment

Do you want to die?

No comment

where do you see yourself ten years from now?

idk uhhh older? Ha ha

PART 12: FOOD

FOOD:

123: ice cream:

don’t like it, too cold

124: last time you cooked:

Last night

125: What did you cook?

pasta

1. what utensils do you use eating pizza?

my hands, sometimes a fork when it’s hot

132: FRUITS:

peaches, cherries, mangos, *fruit

133: DRINKS:

dR. pepper - sounds smart - ha ha dmb blonde joke! cherry coke, peach snapple, arizona ice tea in raspberry, *$$$ Tao Iced Tea in Passionfruit

134: MOST DISGUSTING DRINK:

Coors Lite - eww!!!

135: DESERTS:

nething chocolate, esp. drk

1. FAVOURITE FOOD?

chinese, italian, pasta, choclit (yes i realize pasta is italian)

1. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN?

um ya i don’t eat popcorn

1. FAVOURITE DESERT?

just 1?

139: least fave desert?

pudding

PART 14

What are you doing right now?

taking this survey

What was the last thing you did??

ummmmmmmmmmmm breathed?

What is right next to you?

no 1
Who was the last person you made out with?

ugh kyle dont remind me

If you were a toy, what would you be?

hmmmmmmmm

How’s the weather right now?

dark

What do you think a toblerone is?

choclit!

140: Do you wear contacts?

no… glasses…

Do you own a vehicle?

no

Blonde moments?

too many to count

Fave day of the year?

idk

Are you too shy to ask anyone out?

ummmmmmm

PART 15: THIS OR THAT
Root Beer or Doctor Pepper?

both

Skiing or snowboarding?

neither

Day or night?

nite

Half empty or half full?

what, exactly?

170: Have you ever broken a bone?

Ya

Roller coaster: scary or exciting?

Ugh

Kisses or hugs?

idk both

• 1. window seat or aisle:

Window

SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer

71: Pepsi or Coke:

coke

72: McDonald’s or Burger King:

do yall know how incredibly fattening that is?

73: Single or Group Dates:

Idk but considering the fact ive never been on a group date before . . .

PART 16: Body Ills + Skills

Do you hate anyone?

bush and dr. holden. And kyle.

do you bite your nails?

no

can you roll your tongue?

yes

do you have any habits?

yeah. um define “habits”

can you raise one eyebrow at a time?

no

if u had any tattoos what would u get and where?

vines/veins on my veins, wrapped round my arms and neck

fire

skull

• 1. piercings and where:

none
+ 023. what jewelry do you wear 24/7?

None

PART 17: Grooming ooh horses

1. do you make your bed daily?

no

21: is your bed currently made?

No

22: your room:

yes I have 1 wt about it? Ha ha. Very very dark, shades drawn,. It’s always like this during the day/hours of daylight.

• 1. do you swear?

fuk no i don’t ha ha

• 1. do you mumble to yourself?
     ya
• 1. do you spit in public?

ewwwwww so no

PART 18: SLEEP

• 1. do you talk in your sleep?

yes, in an irish accent

• 1. do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on?
     no can’t sleep w/ them on…lol

• WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?

um air?

What do you do before bed?

watch tv, breathe, cry, go online

PART 20: CITIES:
230: Town or city you currently live in:

denver
Favorite town or city of all time:

dublin as in eire not as in ohio. And London.

PART 21: LIFE QUESTIONS

Whats the farthest you’ve ever gone w/ a guy?

he did everything to me except have sex.
live anywhere, where would you live?

eire

240: Be in what movie, what show?

chicago, grease, delovely, rent, anything goes

PART 22:

ANOTHER COLOR:

peach
4: GEMSTONES:

emerald, sapphire, ruby, amethyst

PART 23:

5: CAN’T WEAR:

white bc of my skin tone

11: TALENTS:
writing, singing, acting, drawing, designing, being a bitch 2 my mom

12: ARTISTS:

da vinci, van gogh, monet, edward munch, boticelli, frida

14: DAD:

artist, poet, hobbit, scientist, passive, shy, muffin

15: MOM:

strong, determined, honest, survivor, kind, horse
17: HAIR:

red/blonde/brown/honey-blonde/golden

19: EYES:

peridot-green

20: SKIN:

pale, ivory, rosy
22: FANTASY CHARACTER PPL SAY I’M/LOOK LIKE:

faery, mermaid. princess, like rapunzel

24: PPL SAY I LK LIKE:

Marie Antoinette, Rose from titanic, my mom/dad, Lillian Gish (silent film star)

26: BIRTHSTONE: peridot

27: FAVE FLOWR:
lily

270: SIGN:

Leo

29: ELEMENT FOR SIGN:

fire

30: ELEMNTS IN GENERAL:

fire bc im a pyro, water bc im a mermaid
31: FAVE SCENTS:

vanilla, rose, lavender, french vanilla, mango, cherry

32: COLOURS:

deep purple, black, burgundy, bld-red, wine-red, emerald

33: PLACE:

eire
35: COLOUR/S I LOOK ESP. GOOD IN:

emerald

36: OTHER COLOURS I LOOK GOOD IN:

green, pink

37: COLOURS I NEVER WEAR:

orange, yellow, gray, brown
280: TRAVELED:

az, ri, vt, mass, hi, d.c., mo, fl, eire, australia, london 4 1 nite, tunisia, canada, mexico,

PART 24

1. FAVORITE GIFT TO RECEIVE?

love, friends
293: DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING?

yes friends.
PART 25

Q: What is your favorite book?

A: just 1?

Q: What is your favorite thing to do?

sleep’

‘13th

1. Are you wearing shoes? No.
2. Whats the third letter in your name? N

3. How old is your pet? I don’t know

4. What color is your underwear? that’s really none of your business.

5. Are you sick? sick of what..everything..yes sick as in health.no
6. Are you in school? well no not at this present moment as it’s 5:50 in the bloody morning.
7. Is the bathroom open? um you mean the bathroom door?

8. Are you on a laptop? yes

9. Are you watching MTV? No.

10. Are you smiling? no
11. Do you have on eyeliner? no
12. Is it early? uh ya
13. Are you blonde? HELL no

14. Are you in high school? No.

15. Are you in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend? dont have 1

16. Name three of your friends: Ry, Kate, Kat
17. What color is your swimming suit? which one?
18. Does your school start in august? yes actually.
19. Did you go on vacation last month? don’t you mean on holiday?
20. Have you ever been on a cruise? no
21. Do you have a sister? Yes.
22. Are you upstairs? Nope
23. Do you have a friend named alex? no. used to.
24. Does your name end with a Y? No
25. What’s your middle name? B
26. Are your ears pierced? no
27. Do you own a digital camera? yes
28. Do you live in florida?yes
29. Do you own a digital camera? yes
30. Do you live in florida?yes
31. Do you have a lover? no
32. Ever had sushi? ummmmmmm yes
33. Are you listening to rock? no

34. What color is your chair? i dont know

35. Where’d you get your pants? well i dont ‘get’ my pants anywhere. i shoplift. er, used to, anyway.

36. Do you type with your feet? no i didnt know people were that talented.
37. Have you dyed your hair red? no
38. Are you tired? Yes.
39. Do You WrItE lIkE tHiS? no
40. Are you an idiot? No.
41. Do you like being in relationships for the sake of being in them? no

42. Are you “Fake” at times? i can be

43. Is Alcohol Bad for the Soul? nope

44. Are you bored? um no not really

45. What time is it? ‘well its gotta be close to midnight’ .... ‘its 2 a.m....’ it’s actually 6 a.m.

46. chocolate or peanut butter? both

47. How many kids would u like? none thanks’

‘but..............my grandmother’s in the hospital, which is sad. :(( I luv her and she’s one of my favourite people. and I can’t really do anything about it bc she’s all the way up in CO and i’m down here in FL. I know why she’s in the hospital but.........idinno.

And I’ve heard from Allison that ‘things could be worse’. And I don’t want to hear that. I’m not saying that........er she’s wrong. I’m just saying I’d rather not hear anything right now. Er, I mean................god I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I’ve heard these suggestions:

*to ring her

*to take some time off. This doesn’t really make sense, as I’ll be leaving May 5..................I mean I would luv to but it would end up being a ‘guilty pleasure’ type thing. I think. ‘take some time off’ wow that sounds like work or something.

And you know I’m not about to tell my mother that I want to take some time off to visit my grandmother. My mother and I don’t talk. About this sort of stuff. And, with me being as fericously tenacious as I am, we’re not about to start.

So I’ll just wait untill May to see her.

God what is wrong with me? Why is it, that whenever a suggestion is offered, I usually end up blowing that person off, no matter how nice?

I honestly don’t know why I do this.
And then I’m frustrated with that person for not listening when really, I’m the one that blew them off.

And, I’ve heard the phrase ‘it could be worse’ soooooooooo many fuking times that I do not want to hear it again. I’m sorry.

Wow ok this sounds horrible.

_____________–

Ummmmmmmmm...........and, of course, I’m frustrated with myself for the whole ED thing.

And, I’m suicidal.’

‘So, I decided to do this since I’m getting increasingly frustrated with others, and sometimes I’m my own best listener. Er.....................yeah. Anyway here we go:

So, hi.

Hi.

.....

Whats up?

Everything.

Oh?

Yeah.

Such as?

I don’t know.

Ok. Well............if you want to talk. Or, need to.

I do, actually.

I figured as much.

[pause]

So,.............. whenever you wanna start.

Ok.

Ok.

[pause]

So, my grandmother’s in the hospital.

Mmhmm.

And, I don’t know. That’s worrying.
Mmmhmm.

She’s usually a very active person, so it’s really sad.

Mmmhmm. You miss her.

Yes, I do.

I know. And, it’s ok.

Thanks.

Yep. It’s going to be.
sigh how do you know that?

Well..................quite honestly, I don’t. But I hope it will be.

Oh lovely another optimist.

Do you want me to not hope it will be?

Does that make me selfish?

Well..............a little.
You sound like my mom.

Oooooooooooooh. I’m sorry.

Thanks.

And, to answer your question, I don’t know.

Ok. [pause]. Do you want to?

Yes.
Ok. We’re getting somewhere.

Over the rainbow!

:)

You know…

Yes?

That was the song that was played at Marilyn Monroe’s funeral.

Ohh?
Yes.

Hmmm.

And, it actually makes a lot of sense.

Yes, yes it does.

I wish I could go.

To her funeral?

Well that too. But, I meant.............over the rainbow.
To Ireland.

Yes.

I can see why.

Thank you.

Yep.

I wish it were light. I hate it being dark.

I know. It scares you.
It scares me.

Fear of the unknown.

Yes. Xenophobia, I think it’s called.

Well it’ll be light in half an hour.

Yes well.

Ok.

And...........even though I have my apt. lights on, well...........
They’re only artificial, as your therapist pointed out.

Yes. They could go out at any time. God that scares me.

But then you’d be left in the dark.

Precisely.

It terrifies me. I sound like someone in an anxiety commercial.

:)

I already have darkness consuming me I don’t need more.
And, as Ali said…

Yes. Exactly. I don’t like eggs.

[pause]

Or anyone’s funeral, for that matter.

Why?

Hmm?

Why.
I don’t know. But, I want to die. Maybe that’s why I have lilies. But they’re so pretty.

Death is beautiful.

If I didn’t change the water, then they’d die.

Flirting with danger, disobeying.

Yes.

The idea of death, of something beautiful dying even if it is just a plant.

Yes.
I can’t say I don’t have a plan. Cuz I do.

I know. And, well..........................it’s how it is.

Yes. It’s how it is. I wish others would see that.

But they don’t.

No, they don’t. Seems everyone’s selfish nowadays.

Mmmhmm.
That’s a song from Chicago...............it’s sort of about change. The song, that is.

Many songs are.

Yes. [pause]. But they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons. They don’t consider how I feel.

Mmmhmm. And what do you think about that?

About what?

‘they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons’ That’s a song from Chicago...............it’s sort of about change. The song, that is.

Many songs are.

Yes. [pause]. But they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons. They don’t consider how I feel.

Mmmhmm. And what do you think about that?

About what?

‘they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons’ That’s a song from Chicago...............it’s sort of about change. The song, that is.

Many songs are.

Yes. [pause]. But they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons. They don’t consider how I feel.

Mmmhmm. And what do you think about that?

About what?

‘they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons’

That’s a song from Chicago...............it’s sort of about change. The song, that is.

Many songs are.

Yes. [pause]. But they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons. They don’t consider how I feel.

Mmmhmm. And what do you think about that?

About what?

‘they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons’ I know that sounds like a therapist question but I don’t know how else to phrase it.

Well, you’re right it does. And thank you for telling me you don’t know.

You’re welcome.

Well, as aforementioned, I want to die.

Not, to kill yourself?

Well, both.
Ok. Do you know why? Or even......do you want to explain it?

No no I don’t. Not now.

Ok that’s fine.

Thank you.

Yep.

How would you do it?

Hmm?
How. Would you do it.

Well I don’t think I should post the details in here.

Ok. I understand why.

[pause]

You have lilies. Perhas that’ll help.

In a morbid, twisted sense, yes.

:)

I also
.........................well...........

Yes?

I wonder what it’s like to die. Just like I wonder what it’s like to do drugs, or to smoke. Or be pregnant.

You’re curious.

Yes, I am. I’m an incredibly curious erson.

There’s nothing wrong with that.
That’s what I always thought, too.

Ohhhh.

Yes.

I want to be................er, I wonder what it’s like to be, rather, between dying and living. But not to actually die.

Mmmhmm.

I don’t know.
Ok.

And...........the whole eating this, is

getting to you.

Frustrating. And yes.

I mean, I eat

yes
just not that much.

You have, however, started your own cookbook, which is great.

Yes well. Er, thank you.

it’s fine.

Ok.

But, you’re working on it.

Yes but there’s still a lot behind it.
Oh of course there is. That’s only to be expected. God even Rome wasn’t built in a day. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Wow really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Mmhmm.

[pause]

You have to be patient.
<< : Update Thing, I guess It’s a bit too late for that isn’t it? : >>

Conversation With Myself Friday, April 13, 2007

So, I decided to do this since I’m getting increasingly frustrated with others, and sometimes I’m my own best listener. Er.....................yeah. Anyway here we go:

So, hi.

Hi.

.....

Whats up?

Everything.

Oh?

Yeah.

Such as?

I don’t know.

Ok. Well............if you want to talk. Or, need to.

I do, actually.

I figured as much.

[pause]

So,.............. whenever you wanna start.

Ok.

Ok.

[pause]

So, my grandmother’s in the hospital.

Mmhmm.

And, I don’t know. That’s worrying.

Mmmhmm.

She’s usually a very active person, so it’s really sad.

Mmmhmm. You miss her.

Yes, I do.

I know. And, it’s ok.

Thanks.

Yep. It’s going to be.

sigh how do you know that?

Well..................quite honestly, I don’t. But I hope it will be.

Oh lovely another optimist.

Do you want me to not hope it will be?

Does that make me selfish?

Well..............a little.

You sound like my mom.

Oooooooooooooh. I’m sorry.

Thanks.

And, to answer your question, I don’t know.

Ok. [pause]. Do you want to?

Yes.

Ok. We’re getting somewhere.

Over the rainbow!

:)

You know…

Yes?

That was the song that was played at Marilyn Monroe’s funeral.

Ohh?

Yes.

Hmmm.

And, it actually makes a lot of sense.

Yes, yes it does.

I wish I could go.

To her funeral?

Well that too. But, I meant.............over the rainbow.

To Ireland.

Yes.

I can see why.

Thank you.

Yep.

I wish it were light. I hate it being dark.

I know. It scares you.

It scares me.

Fear of the unknown.

Yes. Xenophobia, I think it’s called.

Well it’ll be light in half an hour.

Yes well.

Ok.

And...........even though I have my apt. lights on, well...........

They’re only artificial, as your therapist pointed out.

Yes. They could go out at any time. God that scares me.

But then you’d be left in the dark.

Precisely.

It terrifies me. I sound like someone in an anxiety commercial.

:)

I already have darkness consuming me I don’t need more.

And, as Ali said…

Yes. Exactly. I don’t like eggs.

[pause]

Or anyone’s funeral, for that matter.

Why?

Hmm?

Why.

I don’t know. But, I want to die. Maybe that’s why I have lilies. But they’re so pretty.

Death is beautiful.

If I didn’t change the water, then they’d die.

Flirting with danger, disobeying.

Yes.

The idea of death, of something beautiful dying even if it is just a plant.

Yes.

I can’t say I don’t have a plan. Cuz I do.

I know. And, well..........................it’s how it is.

Yes. It’s how it is. I wish others would see that.

But they don’t.

No, they don’t. Seems everyone’s selfish nowadays.

Mmmhmm.

That’s a song from Chicago...............it’s sort of about change. The song, that is.

Many songs are.

Yes. [pause]. But they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons. They don’t consider how I feel.

Mmmhmm. And what do you think about that?

About what?

‘they want to keep me alive for their own selfish reasons’

Ohh. Well I think it’s true. But I also think that makes me more selfish.

Mmmhmm ok.

[pause]

Well how do you feel?

About what?

What you just explained.

Oh. :)

I know that sounds like a therapist question but I don’t know how else to phrase it.

Well, you’re right it does. And thank you for telling me you don’t know.

You’re welcome.

Well, as aforementioned, I want to die.

Not, to kill yourself?

Well, both.

Ok. Do you know why? Or even......do you want to explain it?

No no I don’t. Not now.

Ok that’s fine.

Thank you.

Yep.

How would you do it?

Hmm?

How. Would you do it.

Well I don’t think I should post the details in here.

Ok. I understand why.

[pause]

You have lilies. Perhas that’ll help.

In a morbid, twisted sense, yes.

:)

I also.........................well...........

Yes?

I wonder what it’s like to die. Just like I wonder what it’s like to do drugs, or to smoke. Or be pregnant.

You’re curious.

Yes, I am. I’m an incredibly curious erson.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

That’s what I always thought, too.

Ohhhh.

Yes.

I want to be................er, I wonder what it’s like to be, rather, between dying and living. But not to actually die.

Mmmhmm.

I don’t know.

Ok.

And...........the whole eating this, is

getting to you.

Frustrating. And yes.

I mean, I eat

yes

just not that much.

You have, however, started your own cookbook, which is great.

Yes well. Er, thank you.

it’s fine.

Ok.

But, you’re working on it.

Yes but there’s still a lot behind it.

Oh of course there is. That’s only to be expected. God even Rome wasn’t built in a day. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Wow really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Mmhmm.

[pause]

You have to be patient.

I don’t have to be anything. Er. I’m sorry.

It’s ok.

But, it’s hard.

I know it is.

[pause]

so the 16th is coming up.

Yeah. Wow.

It’ll be a year since you last saw him.
Yeah on Monday. God that’s gonna be hard. Already is, actually.

Yeah I know.

Oy.

What?

Flashbacks.

Oh dear.

[pause]

how........how bad?
Just, mild. I think.

Ok. Well, it makes sense considering..........

yes. yes it does.

[pause]

well the sun’s coming up thank god. now i don’t have to live in fear of darkness anymore.

:)

untill tomorrow night. damnit.
oooh.

yes.

every fuking night.

awww.

thanks.

yep.

[pause]
you miss her?

who?

you know.

Oh. yes yes i do.

Mmmhmm.

I mean she never.......but.........

I understand. She’s a part of you.

Yes, yes she is. Very much so. And, right now?
Yes?

I kind of need her.

Ohhh. Makes sense.

Yeah, it does.

[pause]

so it’s 7 a.m.

yep.

and...........
...........i don’t know.

ok.

[pause]

You know, you’re a really good listener.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

[pause]

but then, you’re me so....
yeah.

it’s kind of weird, writing down a conversation with yourself. it’s like looking into a mirror, or something.

:)

but, it was exactly what I needed.

:) ‘

‘So..................well, as some know, I cut. I have since I was 15. I haven’t recently though, in about 2 weeks. And NO i’m NOT trying to stop. I don’t want to. I don’t see it as a problem. This is the hardest thing in the wordl to explain. I know why. I kind of find it annoying that I know why. I know many many people don’t agree with it. Yes I can do other things but I choose not to. I’ve never been hospitalised for it. I don’t know if my arents know or not. I don’t want them to. We don’t talk. And, I don’t want to.

It’s not as though I’ve suddenly decided ‘oh I’m going to stop cutting’. No. It’s just that it hasn’t really occured to me.

Yes I have a therapist. We don’t always talk about this. People think, that just because I have a therapist, that A: all my problems will be solved and B: I’m going to tell her every time I cut. I don’t. And she’s ok with that. But there’s a lot of people that I don’t tell every time I cut.
Many people, want me to stop. Well, I haven’t and I don’t see myself doing so any time soon. If someone tells me not to do something then I prolly won’t listen. I hate being told ‘dont cut’. And, I absolutely hate being told what to do/what not to do. It’s my body and I’ll do whatever the hell I want to it. Or not do. But it’s entirely my decision. And people need to respect that and not push me into anything.

Now, you’re prolly thinking, or maybe not I don’t really know, ‘well what about 20, 30 years down the road?’. i’ve gotten past that. I’ve gotten past crying over my cuts. It’s not something I do and it’s not something I want to do.

My sister. Well, she doesn’t agree with it. But she also doesn’t tell me not to. Or to do it. But, then again, she’s my sister.
I realise it hurts people. I hate hurting people, which is why I never think about it.

This is me. Take me or leave me. But accept me for who I am and don’t try to change me. You can disagree but I’m the only one who can change myself. No one will change unless it comes from them. Not, from someone else.’

‘14th

no one’s listening to me. Grrrrrrr. Er ok. That’s prolly not the best way to put things. But most of the time that’s all I want. Is FOR someone to listen/read. I’m sorry. But I don’t want people to tell me reasons not to kill myself. If I attempt so be it. I know I’m not going to succeed. You’re prolly asking yourself ‘well how do you know?’. I just do. There are a lot of things I just know, without explanation. And, if I had succeeded, do you honestly think I’d be writing this right now? Exactly.

I just want people not to tell me anything.

Also, only once when I attempted has there been someone there. Yeah as aforementioned I don’t like people. I have only 2 friends down here one of whom lives up in Orlando. The other one actually sleeps.
And I don’t live with anyone. I don’t have a roommate thank god. I don’t want a roommate. They’re not for me. Look maybe I actually want to be suicidal. Ok I realise how awful that sounds. My point being, maybe I just want to be in a state of mind and not have people to tell me not to think that way.

And, even when I was living up in CO, no one was there. Bc they were all asleep. And I never told them.

Yes and I suppose it might help. Well what if I want to just be?

Thank you.’

‘Hi:

I didn’t mean to come across as rude, or mean. But I strongly disagree with a lot of things posted lately. Bare in mind that I am a highly opinionated person. So, to ‘minimize’ things, all that happened was that I disagree.

I’m sorry.

Thank you.’

‘I say ‘tonight’ because it’s midnight. Well, 40 after, actually.

Well I slept all dya up untill 5 p.m. That was odd. Got ready for the dance, washed my hair, blah blah blah. Didn’t paint my nails cuz I didn’t have time. And it there’s one thing I’m not very good at it’s painting my nails. Or anyone else’s for that ,atter. Although I don’t recall ever painting someone’s nails..........

So I wore black in which I look gorgeous. I did not wear a long dress thank God. I can’t dance in long dresses. I also didn’t wear heels bc A: they’re a pain in the ass, B: they hurt my feet and C: I can’t dance in them. I wore my pretty gold slippers. Yay.

So then I went over to the leasing office, and we waited to be picked up.

Also, who brings long dresses to FL? Or any dresses for that matter/ Unless it’s like a sundress. Or something.
So we were picked up and went to pick up Drew. That took ahwile. He looked kind of like James Dean........with his spiked black hair and whatnot. Er I don’t know I thought he looked kind of like James Dean. A little.

Wooooooow I feel old.

So, on our way to CLE, the van got hit. That was interesting. We were all ok though.

So then we had to switch vehicles although I don’t know why............in the car I was in I was squished by 2 guys, There are some advantages to being petite.
So.............we arrived at the country club. It was gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgeous. Wow. We went into the room and sat down at tables. The dance floor was tiny. Then awards were presented, we talked and ate. The sunset was gorgeous and I was reminded of how much I love that time of day. Then it was twilight and it was that light blue colour and beautiul.

So, after all of that the actual dancing started. There was some rap which I don’t like. But there was oldies! Among the songs played were ‘Sweet Dreams’, ‘Stayin Alive’, ‘Out Of The Dust’ and this swing song, which I did the Charleston too. Yay me!

So, during this reggae/Jamaican type song I danced with Leon. Which was lovely. I followed his lead, of course. He’s a nice guy. :). We did that thing where the ‘couple’ dances side by side......................yeah.

Usually, whenever I ask guys to dance I’m rejected. :(
Another guy I danced with wass Scalari, Andrew. That was really nice, and lovely. :)). I felt soooo protected. Awwwww. So I think I like him, which is............weird. He’s always been extra nice to me. But I just want to stay friends, which, I think we are. And I only have a month left here, etc.

And I think it should be entirely my decision.

So then at the end I was doing this ballet dance thing to a slow dance, since I hadn’t anyone to dance with. I was also sort of having a breakdown slightly. So then Alex B. asked “would you care to dance madam?”. Madam I was a madam! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! :).

And we danced and he came and soothed me, in a way. And that was lovely as well.
We had awsum disco lights and prolly the best word to describe the night would be............surreal. Dreamy.

But, I had fun.’

‘is gold. lol.

God I’m confused. When the hell was the last time I had a relationship problem? Arg.

So, yeah I like him. And...........well I guess maybe........he’s liked me all this time? I really don’t know. Maybe........I’m reading too much into this. But it feels like know that I know it’s going to change things. But I don’t want it too. Shit. The last time I liked a guy was when I was 17 and we all know how that worked out. And that’s why I haven’t dated one since. Bc I’m fuking scared. But I’m going to take every precatuion I can to make it sure it doesn’t. Once was enough thanks.

And you know I just want to be friends. And I only have a month.
I mean yeah ok. I do want to be with someone. But I also don’t. Relationships are so complicated and so drama filled and they never last. And I didn’t think this was possible. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuk.

I have no idea.

And I only have a month left here>as in, in FL>so it’s not like anything can happen.

But........last night for the first time in suuuch a long time I actually felt protected. And loved. I mean maybe that’s not how he saw it but it’s how I saw it.

What mattered...............is that it meant something to me.

But now it’s changed how I feel...............about this. About relationships, guys................about everything. It’s made me question things. ‘My whole world is changing I don’t know where to turn’

I don’t know.’

‘I’ve never had it. I don’t plan to.

And you’re wondering how the hell I’m not a virgin. Yeah I’d rather not disclose that thanks. Oh and that, wasn’t by choice.

Now I’m not one of those women who goes out and has sex with random guys. I’m not saying it’s morally wrong it’s just not who I am.

For me...................relationships aren’t about sex. It’s not just physical.

As.........odd as that sounds.

So you know if I meet someone and I like them my first thought is not going to be “ooh ok let’s have sex now”.
It’s just not me.

Thank you.’

‘17th

Ok, before I start, please correct me if I’m wrong.

Now.

Well, in the ‘60’s, everyone was protesting the war. Hell you couldn’t turn around without noticing it. What with MLKJR and John Lennon and such.

But now?

I’m not saying that there aren’t anti-war protesters but I just haven’t heard of any.

Where do you think the term ‘Beatniks’ came from?

Yes I am aware it applies to the artists, writers, musicians, etc of the ‘60’s. Who, by the way, protested the war. Well, some of them, anyway.
Whatever happened to this country?’

‘“t was six men of Indostan,
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approach’d the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl: “God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!”The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -“Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me ‘tis mighty clear,
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!”

The Third approach’d the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake: “I see,” -quoth he- “the Elephant
Is very like a snake!”
The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee: “What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain,” -quoth he,-
“‘Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!”

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said- “E’en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!”
The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope, “I see,” -quoth he,- “the Elephant
Is very like a rope!”

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

MORAL,
So, oft in theologic wars
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean;
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!”

John Godfrey Saxe’s ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend,”Blind Men and the Elephant” ‘

‘you bleed just to know you’re alive.

i know i do.

just to feel to see to know something is right to know that youre bledding and while risking the bleeding never stopping you know youre alive. if you can feel pain pain is horrible but it means you can feel it means you can feel something.

but god you you in your awsum fuking amazing you ness. and yet you hardly see it you hardly see how incredibly strong you are how incredibly passionate how beautiful you light up each room even on your darkest days. theres beauty in the darkness theres beauty in the breakdown. theres beauty in the blood but god where the hell are my razor blades i used to know i dont anymore but it worries me that i dont.

the one colour the stark red colour when everything else is black.
when everything feels like the movies you bleed just to know youre alive.’

‘18th

the blue whale is the loudest animal on earth. Its whistle can reach up to 188 decibels

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny

The average American eats 15 pounds of apples a year

Alcohol beverages have all 13 minerals necessary for human life.

A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 150 feet

Police detectives have used snapping turtles to help them locate dead bodies.

a bird’s eye view of a rainbow is donut shaped
There is only 4 out of 237ish varieties of carrot that are orange.

There is only 4 out of 237ish varieties of carrot that are orange.

In Minnesota it is illegal to have oral sex

In Michigan, incest is not illegal. You can have sex all you want, you just can’t marry the relative.
A recently passed law made it a class 1 felony to have penetration with any other felony. This was done to try to get drug dealers who had sex with their clients, so it would automatically carry the most serious rape charge with it. Unfortunately, an aldultery law is still on the books in Michigan as a felony. So, adultery is automatically also first degree criminal sexual conduct for the man. Of course, they aren’t charging people for that, but it’s on the books.

In Florida it is illegal to sing/dance in public while dressed in a swimsuit
a girraffe has the same amount of vertibreas (spelling) in it’s neck than a human!
water kills sperm’

‘19th

Optimism.

Ok I don’t like enthuastic people. They’re loud. They’re all ‘hi! isn’t this a nice day! have a good day!” etc. No it’s not a nice day. I’ll have whatever the hell kind of day I want to. I hate it when people say that. I guess they’re required to.

Even when enthuastic people write the’re ‘loud’.

It’s fuking overwhelming.

I also don’t like optimistic people. Where the hell is the bright side? The light at the end of the tunnel is that of the oncoming train. Yes I know how terribly suicidal that sounds. But it’s true! It’s quite literally true!

Ok see. Think about it. When you wait for the subway, besides the wind what is the first thing you see indicating the subway is coming? The light. Exactly.

Oh and I don’t like normal people. Yes they do exist. Normal people are happy people who don’t have any problems. You know the type. They’re always talking always loud always around people.

And, I suppose you could argue with me and say everyone has problems. Um well not all of those problems are real.

Ironically, I think that reality is subjective.

When I say problems I mean.............poverty, EDs, suicide, cutting, etc.
Normal people don’t have any of those problems. That’s my point.

And no I will not believe you when you say that no one’s normal. I’m sorry.

Oh and then there are meds. I refuse to take meds. I don’t think people should.

Here are the reasons:

A: the people who prescribe us meds want us to ‘feel better’ so they can make money

B: people can OD on pain meds. I’ve done it.

C: meds only work if you think they’re going to

D: they make us boring.
Ok here’s my theory: people take meds. They feel better. Then when you talk to them there’s nothing to talk about, therefore they become boring.

And then they become normal.

People become normal through meds. Hmmmmmmmmmmm............

No offence to any friends of mine who take meds.

“Look on the bright side” where is this bright side that you speak of?

“I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon” um well it’s all dark. Wow I could’ve told ya that.

My best friend once asked me “which do you think is more powerful the sun or the moon?” Well, I wasn’t sure.
It’s the moon. The moon = darkness, depression.

Oh and also: people give us meds so they don’t have to deal with us anymore. That’s why they send us to therapists and such.’

‘Now I understand that some people have an LD which makes it difficult for them to spell. And I understand a lot of people just don’t know how to spell certain words. But if you know how to spell certain words the correct way then spell them that way!

Also, if you’re filling out a job application and you write down a lot of words spelt incorrectly do you honestly think they’re going to hire you? Well I mean they might depending on who they are. But I would assume not.

And learn grammar!

Oh and learn how to be articulate. If you don’t know what that means look it up. Oh and I also don’t know how to explain it.

I don’t think, if you’re not articulate, that you’re going to be hired. I’m sorry but it’s the way it is.
Now I don’t spell certain words the way Americans spell them. People say it’s incorrect. No, it’s not. Only by American standards is my spelling incorrect. And, I think the British were on this earth before the Americans were, though I could be wrong about that.’

‘22 x 35 = ??

Well

35

22

2 x 5 = 10

2 x 3 = 6

But you have to carry the 1
so

35

22

70

It’s a 7 bc 6+1=7.

So then you put a 0 place holder.

2x5 =10

2x3=6
6+1 = 7

70 x 2 = 140

I think............

Anyway, my point being that on PLATO, which is this online math course thing, they have it as 20 x 3 instead f 2 x 3. Where in the hell did the extra 0 come from? That is not the way I was taught to do math. So apparently, what I’ve been taught is incorrect. And now I apparently have to re-learn everything.

So, I now hate math.

I think................................’

‘Humans are “lab rats” of some waaaaay advanced species. Why else do you think we’re the only breed who can’t live on Earth without destroying it - all other animals are living in harmony with this planet.

Each human has a certian amount of words each day they can say. then they get sick of talking.

we humans are experimantal rejects by creatures from another galaxy. we are like the prototypes gone awry and horribly wrong thats why we were dumped in earth to slowly eliminate our own existence. its less trouble and work for them.

‘What if one day you were just being normal and all of the sudden you woke up in a bed you have never seen before, and you were in a house you’ve never seen before, and you looked different, you’re friends and family were all different. And you found out that your whole life was just a dream and everyone you knew and cared about were all made up in a dream world , and there was nothing you could do…‘ >um yeah. it’s called EDTV. ‘the dreams and nightmares that we see in our sleep are real life and when we think we’re awake we’re really asleep dreaming.’ yeah I came up with this one…

‘youre part of someone else’s dream’>ok this one actually makes a lot of sense. BC Degas>the dude who painted all those dancers>he would paint his dreams, which were the dancers. So............um not really sure where I’m going with this.

‘our universe is just a molecule of a blade of grass in someones lawn.’>wow that’s depressing. Who mows it? And where’s the rain to help it grow?

‘we never landed on the moon’ >No we didn’t the cows did. Moooooo. ‘sleeping only makes u tired’>yes but why??? I have never heard someone wake up from sleeping and say they’re not tired. Ever. Well not that I can remember, at least. So then what’s the point of sleeping? We could get so much more done if we didn’t [need to] sleep. And some of us don’t, actually.

‘vr entire life is our first dream as a baby, then we wake up and get to live it.’>this one makes a lot of sense as well. BC I don’t think many people remember what happened to them before the age of 4. Why I don’t know. And a lot of people don’t remember their dreams............. ‘

‘so I read your latest entry yesterday. Seems it’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot. Or at least it was something that went through your mind. Your spelling is horrible by the way but that you already knew. Oh well on the so-called ‘bright side’ at least you’re articulate as all hell and actually spell words with the correct # of letters, even if the wrds themselves are spelt incorrectly. And you actually know how to use grammar.

You know who you are.

I know, that’s not a nice sentence. And I do apologise. But you knew the intent behind it. I’m sorry I guess the week;s been getting to me. No I’m not the one who should have to apologise here. That’s your job. But you have. But it was a fukin big issue and we both knw it. We can’t deny it. And now you want to go on as though nothing’s happened. And maybe it didn’t.......in your mind. Or oh I don’t know.............maybe it was an experimental thing. Cutting experimental?! God. I don’t see how anyone who cuts can get addicted. I mean well ok obviusly scientifically I know how. And you were. Fr like wgat 3 fukin weeks there?! What the hell.
Your anxiety? About what? About mving about cllege? I hate t sound like a bloody hypocrite here but you could’ve come to me! And I guess you did. I just didn’t know what the fuk to do. God what a night that was.

‘In your eyes we’re all hypocrites’

Hell yes we are. And ‘we’re all here fr the very same reason’ too.

But God. You had a boyfriend, parents that actually were around..........and then....................

do you know how much I envy you for that?

And then you want to bring it up again. Just when things were finally going well. But this, this has put an eternal distance between us. A thing I never thought would happen. Well apparently I was wrong.’

‘20th

I think I spelt that correctly.

Ok, well adding ‘er’ to the end of certain words does not make it a word. For instance, ‘betterer’, ‘desperater’, etc. No. Ok? It’s ‘more desperate’. And secondly, don’t use abbreviations when you type. As in, don’t use only conasnts when yoou type. No one can read it. God. Yeah I used to do that but that was to save money on texting. Honestly? It makes you sound like you’re 9. I know that’s harsh. But it’s also true. On your profile it says you’re a certain age but with the way you type I hardly believe it. This may be a reason people aren’t nice to you as much as I hate to say it.’

‘get burned’ - Fiddler

Well, it’s nw 7 a.m. and I’m listening to the news cuz I really don’t want to get up t o change the channel. So apparently we had a fyre. Well FL’s prolly had several since we entered this fuking drught but this is the 1st I’ve heard. I really should change the channel.

Yeah this desn’t help me. At all.

Fuuuuuuuuuuk.

Oh and if you’re wondering why some of the ‘o’s are missing from some of the wrds in this entry it’s bc the ‘o’ key is ‘sticking’.

Yeah I have a horrible fear of fire. I’m like traumatized by it. I dn’t know why though.......’

‘BASICS
1. Given name: Anne
2. Age: 19
3. Birthday: August 17
4. Nationality: um
5. Astrological Sign: rawr I’m a lion.
6. Relationship Status: Single
7. Height: 5‘3
9. Hair Colour/Length: um different
10. Eye Colour: green
11. Ethnic Descent: English, French, German, Scottish, Irish and ummmmmmm Swiss.
15. Are you in school/working? yes
18. Siblings (include their ages): Kate, 17
19. Pets: well.............
20. Living Situation: by myself in FL
21. Complexion (Fair, Medium, Dark)? light fair pale rosy gorgeous beautiful pretty.
FAVOURITES
23. Favourite Films: Wizard, Thirteen, White Noise, White Oleander, Girl, Interrupted, But I’m A Cheerleader, Ladder Days,
24. Favourite T.V shows : Friends, Will n Grace, Cosby, Dharma n Greg
27. Favourite Snack Items: Chocolate.
28. Favourite Books: Alice, Georgia Nicholson, Can’t Get There From Here, Tiger Eyes
29. Favourite Musical Artists: Tori Amos, Sarah Mclachlan, Joni Mitchell, Lennon, Beatles, RENT, No Doubt, Led Zeppelin
30. Favourite Drawing Medium: pencil. damn that reminds me.
31. Favourite Cereal: I don’t eat cereals.

YOUR WEEKDAY
32. Early Morning Rituals: um
33. Are you often rushed?: um
34. What stresses you out?: stress is not a word i use
35. Do you get dressed before or after breakfast? Before. I don’t often eat breakfast.
36. Name your means of transportation: walking
37. Have you a license?: no
38. What is your typical lunch consist? well i don’t usually have lunch
39. Where do you eat it: see above question

1. Early Evening Rituals: Watch TV.

2. What is your regular bedtime?: i dont have 1

3. Do you eat dinner as a family?: fuk no

4. What is your typical dinner? Who prepares it? um i dont know
5. How often does your room get thoroughly cleaned?: well never bc it desnt need to be’

‘Yes should. As in, it’s required.

1: Your own laundry. BC if 1 day you live by yourself and you have no idea how to do your own laundry. And, if you’re like me and usually don’t ask for help with such matters, then you’re going to be in a lot of trouble.

2: Use the bus. Because cars pollute the air and walking is good excercice. And you usually pay less for the bus in a year than you do a car. Or the subway, depending on where you live.

3: Cook. Now I’m not talkin bout gourmet meals here but something simple, like pasta or rice. Or microwave. If y ou like Indian food there are these really good Amy’s Frozen Dinners. They’re vegetarian, organic, good for you and come in a variety of flavours.

These are things I learned how to do when I was 13. It’s astonishing the number of people who don’t know how to do such things.

Also my mom was tired of cooking and we never had family dinners so........

Um if anyone has any more let me know.’

‘Things You Can Do To Help The Earth. And Yourself.

1: don’t drink a lot of soda. Try tea, or water. Or milk, soymilk, whatever. Soda actually makes you more thirsty. If you can’t stand regular water there are some really good flavoured waters out there. I recoomend VitaminWater in Fruit Punch>it’s the purple kind.

Vanilla soymilk is an acquired taste and tastes kind of like chai.

2: have a plant. Studies have shown that people who garden have a much more optimistic outlook then those who don’t. My mom has a garden and she’s optimistic. Or, help out at a community garden or have a plant in your kitchen. Also, this way you have A: something to do and B: something to take care of but you don’t feel as bad when it dies.

3: Recycle>cuz it’s just a good idea

4: Either take ths bus or walk. Even if it’s only going to a nearby store. This way you’ll get outside, have done something productive and you;ll feel better bc you’ve changed the scenery.

5: Eat. I know this sounds ridiclously obvious. But if you’re having a hard time, eat something. It will make you feel better. I reccommend choclit. Or muffins cuz they’re warm and filling. And esp. warm food. Even if it’s just microwaving something.

6: have some type of creative outlet. If you’re not very good at drawing, painting whatever it is, you don’t have to show anyone your work. If you luv it that’s the whole point. And there are so many ways to be creative.

7: Have a pet. They’re really good listeners, and funny. I have quite a few funny stories about our dog. And, at least with dogs, they’re huggable.

8: For Women: LunaBars. www.lunabar.com. They’re organic, good for you and good. And they come in a variety of flavours.

If anyone else has ideas let me know.’

‘According to George from Seinfeld a muffin is a cake. Um how? Maybe like a very small, healthier cake? I don’t know........hmmmmmmmmm.....................

Oh and according to Lewis Carroll the question “how is a raven like a writing desk?” was never meant to be answered.

Hey do I have a spatula? Not that anyone here would I know..........:). I don’t know.........................No, I don’t. Ok so apparently I need one. I do, however, have a burger flipper. I’m a vegetarian why would I need a burger flipper?? Well I suppose I could make veggie burgers............hmmmmmm..................

Or I could use it to make um.....................those things that have cheese in them? Quesadillas that’s right. The last time I made a quesadilla I managed to burn the underside of it. Haven’t had one since. I think I’ll try microwaving the thing next time I make it. And I like microwaving better it’s much safer. Microwaves are smart. :). Unless you microwave food in something metal. Then you’re screwed. That was a um interesting experience.

I also need muffin tins and mixing bowls. Oh and a rice strainer anyone know where I can get one of those? Pasta strainer doesn’t work. And a wooden spoon.

Ok now here’s what’s really weird: at Bed, Bath & Beyond they have plastic muffin tins. Er plastic muffin tray........things. They’re pink and quite pretty. But wouldn’t they melt in the um oven? I would assume so as they’re plastic and bendy. ‘

‘23rd

so it’s 7 a.m. Monday morning. I can hear the birds and myself typing but nothing else. I want breakfast but I don’t really have that much food. I suppose I could have rice. That actually sounds good right now. And yes I actually want to have breakfast. I want to go out into the kitchen and have breakfast already made. A muffin, and fruit. Actually that sounds like a really lovely breakfast. And a smoothie. That way I get my..........whatever the stuff in fruit is that’s good for you. And same with the muffin. And I think those are much better to have than cereal. Well, it depends on the kind of cereal you have. God I haven’t had a muffin in ages. I can’t remember the last time I had one, actually. And milk but I always have milk. I may not eat a lot but at least my bones are healthy! Lol. I haven’t broken a bone since I was like 9, 10. I drink a lot of milk. Which reminds me I need a new gallon. I got one on um Saturday and I need a new one. They don’t have milk delivery here. Yeah I know that’s prolly normal to people down here. Ok I know grapefruits are good for you but why?

I also want a cat. Not for breakfast obviously. That’s horrible. For company.

I remember every Saturday morning for as long as I can remember my mom made blueberry muffins.......from a box. They were always really good. I’ve never baked anything in my life.

And Sunday mornings my dad would make waffles.

I remember, last summer when I wasn’t allowed to leave the house for about 2 months for reasons beyond my control, I used to stay up untill 6 a.m. when The Parents were up. They would make coffee and talk and move about and I liked knowing they were up. And I luuuuuuuuuuuv the smell of coffee.

So, my surgery’s in May. I’m nervous as all hell prolly cuz I’ve never had surgery before. Well, not that I remember, anyway. It doesn’t help matters that my mom’s brought up the surgery I had when I was little. And anyone’s nervous when they’re about to enter a new situation...........but at least, well, ..............I know what it’s for. And why. You know at least it’s not like I accidentally cutt [too]deep and passed out and ended up in the hospital with gauze wrapped around my wrist. Not that I ever would. And that’s really the only example I can think of right now.

But short sleeves short sleeves short sleeves. Um yeah. problem. Ok so I haven’t cut in um bout a week or so just cuz I haven’t thought of doing so. But I still never wear short sleeves. Well and it’s not just for that reason. I hate it when people see my body. But that’s another matter, very private thank you.

So Idinno that’s prolly gonna be really weird for me. I do not want The Parents to be there before or after the surgery. Oh god no. Or to be there when I’m recovering. But considering I’m going to be sharing the same living space’, as my therapist puts it, that’s going to be kind of difficult.

However, I have lots of smoothee recipes. And then you know I’ll be doing something productive.

When I had my procedure it took about 2 hours and it went fairly well. It took me about 2 days to recover, which I don’t remember. I had pudding which I now hate. Oh god not the pudding please not the pudding.

So this surgery’s going to take 4 hours so maybe um...........4 days to recover? I don’t know. They want to keep me in the hospital overnight. Great I get to go insane yet again. Sorry stupid horror movies which involve hospitals. Yeah that really doesn’t help me now thanks.

And I’ve never been in a hospital for more than 5 minutes, in which I freaked the hell out.

When I was at my ‘surgery meeting’ in March I met one of the ladies that’s going to be there. She’s very nice. And pretty.

But it’s still going to be really weird.

Yeah just bc I’m abnormal does not mean I want to be in abnormal situations.

Um..........unusual, rather. Yeah there we go.

I plan to sleep, a lot. I told my mom this and she agreed. Which still is incredibly surprising, if you’ve met my mom.

But sleepign will certainly keep me busy.

So apparently it’s Earth Day I guess. Happy Earth Day!

Moo.

And Shakespeare’s birthday, I think. Happy Birthday. to a dude who’s been dead for over 400 years, though I could be wrong.

So Ali’s birthday is coming up on Wed. and Lindsey’s is on Saturday. Yay! Hi Lindsey! Happy eartly birthday!

Where the hell is my phone? My most FAQ.

Then my mom’s bday on May 5.

Damn. I have homework. Which is weird bc in college you don’t usually have that much hw. At least I don’t.

I’m such an excellent procrastinatrix.

So I’ve mainly been online, watching tv and organising, reorganising and adding to my cookbook. Yayyy!’

‘It is now 7:30.

So I didn’t go to therapy on Friday. gasp I know I know you’re all shocked. But I was sleeping/asleep. “But that’s not an exscuse Anne”. You’re right it’s not.

But you know I just I don’t um damn. Oh. I don’t feel like we have anything to say to each other, my therapist and I. Like we’ve run out of words. I know she doesn’t mind silence and neither do I but............Idinno. We could always talk about that. Irony/ing.’

‘24th

so, as plenty of people know, when I was 13 I took the bus. To work. So to me, it seems weird that parents wouldn’t let their ‘children’, for lack of a better word, take the bus. Are they like afraid of what’s going to happen to them, or something? Well I guess so. I dinno my mom was never one of thoe moms. You know the type. And my dad never did anything in that catagory. Hell my mom wanted me to take the bus. She was like ‘youre taking the bus and i dont care what happens to you”.

Ok yhis has nothing to do with anything. But I absolutely hate it when people say “are you mad at me?”. Ok mad is what the British people call those who are mentally unstable. And it doesn’t make much sense. The word, for the hundredth time, is angry.

And also when women are talking and they say “my girlfriends and I..........”. Like in that 1 commercial. I always assume that they’re either bi or lesbians. I just say friends because well I can couont on 1 hand the # of guy friends I have.’

‘so, last night I woke up at 9 p.m. I slept from 1 - 9 p.m. And it was absolutely freezing in my apartment. I know I left the air conditioner on but god it’s not usually that cold when I wake up. It felt like November. I think my AC’s broken yet again. It was broken and leaking and such 2 weeks ago. Sigh. Um.............Well either that or it’s not on which I don’t think it is now........which would explain why it’s not working.’

‘God I haven’t been there in such a long time.

So it’s 7:30 a.m. I’m really tired, actually. I’m sitting here listening to Joni Mitchell’s Blue, which for some reason I have 2 copies of. I guess I forgot that I had one and then burned the 3nd one. Ha. Ha. Very good CD by the way if you like oldies. It’s cloudy outside I think, I can’t tell through my blinds. Which I keep closed as I’ve mentioned before. So today’s today. And um Idinno. Have to organise cookbook yet again. Um I have class then therapy then that’s it. I’m prolly going to go gorcery shopping. For ice cream so I can make a milkshake. And wait what day is today? Tuesday damn. I won’t get money till Thursday.................hmmmmmmmm..........well I do have all those 1’s.
Ok well now the song River is up. You know Sarah Mclachlan also did this. And ummmmmm Vanilla Ice did the inrtoduction to David Bowie’s Under Pressure. Who sung it with Queen. Who happens to have the same song title as a song by Jefferson Airplanes. 6 Degrees Of Songeration. Er.................idinno.

Last month I heard this song quite a few times. It’s about Xmas. Of March, of all months.

Hey Ali’s birthday is to-morrow.

I’m actually kind of depressed.

It smells like something’s burning but it’s not from my place.

The other night it smelled like pizza. Oh god I haven’t had that in such a long time. I have around 50 take-out menus. I never order take-out I just have them.................yes that makes so much sense.
So no Sociology tutoring on um Monday. Yay.

Test on Thursday exam on the 1st, I think. That’s the day my sister comes.

Which reminds me.......

I keep thinking it’s Wednesday..........’

‘25th

April 25, 2007 The Things That Matter Most

We started talking that day after class. She was beautiful I was just me. If the situation was reversed she would’ve said the same about me. Or maybe she did maybe she thought it I really don’t know. She had this beautiful dark spiritual essence. That’s what everyone noticed. She wasn’t the type of person you just passed by you just didn’t notice. I’d seen her around on campus a lot. I don’t know why she chose me. To this day I don’t know why she chose me. I still don’t. she gave me everything I needed to know and then she went and disappeared off the face of the earth, no longer existing in flesh. But people noticed her. Whether it was in passing or as someone you talked about. And believe me, she got talked about a lot, in life and in death. In class that day, she was very quiet, quieter than usual hardly spoke at all barely said a word. And then after she just came up to me and started talking away.
“hey,” she said as we were exiting class together. I wasn’t entirely sure who she was talking to but I didn’t want to seem rude.
“hmm?” I asked.
“hey,” she repeated.
“hi.” I was curious as to why she was talking to me.
“interesting class huh?” she continued.
“um yeah. Yes, it was.” I replied. I got the impression she was reaching out for help by talking to me but wasn’t quite sure where to begin. I turned to her and noticed for the first time the flame of her hair.
“um listen,” I began.
“yeah?”
“do you wanna have lunch together? Er, with me I mean.”
“when?”
“well there’s no time like the present so now would be a good time.”
She smiled the most dazzling room warming sunshine smile.
“yeah ok thanks. I could use a muffin. I’m lily by the way. Lily rose phoenix.”
“you’re welcome.” I paused. “wow what a gorgeous name.”
“thanks I chose it myself. Well kind of. My parents were hippies.”
I caught that: “were?” I questioned.
“yeah….um, they…” she looked sad.
We continued down the hall.
“oh I don’t know what to say. I suppose I could apologise but for what? I did nothing. I hardly know you. Except that you’re lily and you’re gorgeous and I luv your smile. Er well I mean…” I was suddenly embarrassed.
“yeah you’re right. You didn.t and thank you.”
This time it was my turn to smile: “you’re welcome.”
I noticed her black ribbed long sleeve turtleneck.
“im sure you must get this all the time but……….arent you hot?”
She stared into my eyes with her green ones; “its for a reason. Everythings, for a reason. Everything I do and everything that happens.”
That, was clue#1.
“oh.”
“and youre right I do.”
We pushed the doors at the end of the hallway open and headed out into the warm sunshine.
“now you know who I am but who might you be?”
“oh wow where are my manners? I’m Shannon.”
“Shannon. Like the river,” she observed with a faraway look in her eyes. She knew so much already.
“yes.”
“ever been?”
“hmm?” I repeated.
“to Ireland.”
“oh. Yes.
“ah me too.”
She looked up through the tree leaves at the sunlight.
“god I luv the trees here. Theyre so gorgeous and elegant.”
Wow I thought. Nature girl. I smiled to myself.
“but thank you for apologizing,” she told me.
“oh youre welcome.”
“I mean you know he didn’t so someone had…………….to,”
“your past?” I asked, suddenly piecing it all together.
She nodded and swallowed, hard.
“ohh.”
“yeah.”
A pause in conversation.
“palindromes,” I said.
“hmm?”
“palindromes,” I repeated: “the movie.”
“oh.”
“you know the scene where she’s….?”
I was eluding to the abortion scene in the movie.
She nodded: “yep. Happened to me same as a lot of other women I know.”
We headed down the stairs.
“wow god what a gorgeous day. God its like…….its like………after you’ve come up for air from swimming. I luv days like this.”
“wow.”
“what?”
“youre so good with words.”
“thank you.”
“mmhmm.”
“so where are you from?”
“all over, really.”
“oh,” I was a bit surprised.
“you?” she asked.
“well youll never believe this but blizzard country.”
“Colorado?”
“yeah.”
“been there. Its, quite different.”
“yeah it is.”
“really?”
“yeah.”
“oh.”
“why?”
“I wouldn’t have gathered that. It just doesn’t seme you.”
“oh?”
“yeah. I would’ve thought somewhere like Vermont or new york.”
“well thank you.”
“youre welcome.”
We were heading toward building 19 where the cafeteria was located.
“you know whats absolutely phenomal?” she asked me.
“hmm what?”
“that a woman can have life growing inside her. And make that life herself.”
This chick was way beyond her years. I knew that already.
“yes but to some it happens too early much too early,” I commented.
“yes yes it does.”
We were passing some of the outdoor art.
“the irony of a beautiful day.” She stated.
“is?” I asked knowing she wanted me to.
“that someone like me can be so incredibly enfulged in her own darkness.”
I sighed: “yeah I know.”
By that time we had reached the building. She opened the door for me.
“thank you.”
“youre welcome.”
We went inside and had lunch then walked to my place together where we talked some more.

PART 2
In the few weeks I knew her I got to know her more than anyone else did. I guess it was the fact that I was receptive and open and willing. To this day I still cant figure it out as much as I try. Every time I think ive reached a conclusion it sends me whirling right back to the beginning of things. I keep wondering if theres something I missed. I want to ask her questions about her death her suicide. Even though shes no longer with us. With me. But her glow her essence still lingers around me everywhere I go. She seemed to have it all figured out, life, emotions, the world. She knew so much about it without ever being told. Ill never forget her. She was just someone needing help someone to talk to. And it seemed the right moment the right time. For me to help her just by talking to her. Even now I want to talk to her I want to ask her for advice because I know for a fact she’d have different answers different ways of doing things
going about things. Ive become so withdrawn since then. Even our teacher’s asked me if I’m ok. I haven’t said anything. I knew what happened to her. Ive looked through everything she gave me. Ive planted lilies for her. The only thing ive learned from this is the thing I remember from our first meeting. Theres a reason for everything.

I knew she had the plan long before I met her. So I cant possibly think of blaming myself even though it does enter my mind occasionally.

I don’t think myself extraordinary for helping her, just like anyone in history. You may disagree and I don’t mind. In your eyes theyre extraordinary. But really, theyre just like you and me. Just someone who wanted to change the world.

If we could all do this the world would be a much better place.’

‘27th

So I filled out a survey on Tuesday about the VTech shooting. And one of the questioins was ‘what do you think was wrong.....?’ with the guy. Well I find the way that was phrased higly offencive. It’s an insult. There is nothing wrong with a person who is mentally unstable and to say such a thing is terribly highly offencive. I absolutely hate it when people say ‘well there was something wrong with them’. It’s a college survey they should know how to phrase things in such a way as not to offend. Yes I realise it’s a college survey. I also realise that people will say, write things whether you want them to or not.

I’m not conding what he did. Esp. considering I’m a vegetarian. But I don’t think he just went off and murdered a bunch of random people for the bloody hell of it. I don’t think anyone does. My friend Lee and I were having a conversation about this once, actually. And basically, to sum it up, he felt that people are mean for the hell of it. But that’s also just his opinion. But that was the one thing that my mom always taught me was that people always have a reason for things they do.

And, I don’t feel people should have guns. I mean hell if you need them to hunt for food and such.....um there’s really nothing I can do about it. But I still don’t agree with it. If there were more vegetarians the world would be a better place. Oh and also well 2 things. Houses with guns in them.......the people in those houses are 13% more likely to attempt/commit suicide then those without. I know I know again with death statistics. Also there’s a chance that the guns can and will be misused.

Also I hate cops. I can understand why they’re needed. Also I have never encountered a female cop. And I am terrified of men. Obviously. But shoplifting is only wrong because they say it is. Yeah ok I can understand why it’s not a good idea to take something of someone else’s. I don’t think it’s wrong. Yeah that’s right you heard me: I don’t think it’s wrong. The guy said I had some ‘underlying psychological issues’. Well yeah obviously I do. You would too if you lived my life.
Also I don’t like security. Prolly bc yes I do have something to hide from them. And, those who are guilty have something to hide. It means I can’t cut while on the trip. Well actually yes I can just not with razors. And during the ‘winter’ months yeah I pretty much need them. Look right now I don’t care if you agree with it or not. It’s my body it’s my life. And obviously I’m not going to let me parents know cuz we’re not like that. Yeah I don’t need anyone teling me why it’s so bloody important. Honestly I think people say that for their own selfish reasons.

But that’s just me.

I’m highly opinionated and if that makes me a bitch so be it.’

‘I feel so weird when I wear shortsleeves. Exposed, I guess is the best word.

It’s not only because of the cuts.

It’s because I am extremely extremely sensitive to touch on my bare arms. I have no idea how to describe it. Oh well and I hate being touched in general.

The last reason is because of David C. prolly the creepiest guy I’ve ever encountered. An accessory to the crime and I think he committed one as well................I hate having people look at my body. That’s all you need to know. ‘

‘well I don’t have it. I also don’t have children. I luv them but well..............

Anyway.

If, hypothetically I did have children, and they said something to me about Gender Identity Disorder, I would question them. No not like spanish Inquisition type. But I’d prolly say something like ‘ok why? do you want to tell me about it?’ rather than ‘no this isn’t the right toy’ or something. However I understand that parents go about things differently. But in my opinion I feel that when people encounter a problem they should ask that person questions rather than tell them what to do, not to do.I feel that’s a better, much more helpful way of going about things.

And I don’t even remember coming to my mom for anything. And you know when you’re 19 you can’t. It is not socially acceptable. And you know I have to live up to those expectations.
I find it weird that people aren’t nice. Cuz I don’t expect it.’

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Last updated November 12, 2016