Thursday Morning in New Diary

It is 2 am . It looks like I’m up for good I did not feel too good yesterday. I’m still having trouble with heartburn. My worker Kelly came yesterday. She was telling me that I might have an intolerance for dairy products. I don’t think so. I said I ate too much ice cream and it made me sick. We were also talking about different things. I found out she is seeing a therapist at Healthways. She said she is seeing somebody named Max. I said I don’t know him. She likes him but she is not too impressed that about mine, She feels he is not helping me very much. I said I think I am a lost cause,

She said why do you put yourself down like that. You are not a lost cause. I said I Just say that. I didn’t tell her that I feel like a lost cause. She told me I am still young. I wanted to tell her at 66 I don’t feel too young. How I do feel is that I have always had anxiety and depression my whole stupid life. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. Even thinking along those lines makes me depressed.

I didn’t do too much reading yesterday. Heartburn was still a bit bad. I plaid on the computer after my worker left. I plaid some chess games. Then after the news I laid down on the couch., I tried to take a nap but couldn’t sleep. I just laid there hugging a pillow. I turned on the tv and watched tv until about 7:30 I took my evening pills early then went to bed.

I had some weird dreams. I was dreaming that I was back at West Liberty. I was taking an accounting class. We were talking and the teacher was going on about how hard accounting is and that some will never be able to pass. He was saying they had a hard time in focusing because they were at risk kids. I thought he was referring to me. I was thinking in my dream maybe some people have a hard time focusing because they have to worry about how to pay their rent, get food, have money for gas. I was a bit pissed at this teacher.

Anyway after class I was carrying an armload of books. Class was in the downstairs of the library., I got lost. I kept going down these hallways trying to find my way out. I got out and then I couldn’t find my car. I was walking all over campus looking for my car carrying all those books. I don’t think I ever did find my car.

I am afraid depression got the better of me yesterday. I felt very, very down. I was thinking about Chocolatechip. I missed her very much. I really could have used some company yesterday. I kept thinking here I am 66 years old and I have nobody t o call I really am all alone and it is a sucky feeling.

Today will be better. I’m getting out a bit. I see my new doctor at Healthways. I’m a bit anxious about it already

Life is good. No matter what it is always good to be alive