Thursday Morning in New Diary

Well today I get my Social Security check. I will be going to the bank and Wal Mart Going out is causing me a little bit of anxiety. Also worried that my worker wont show up. It is imperative that I get to Wal Mart and put money on my debit card. Comcast is due today and the credit card bill is due tomorrow. If she doesn’t show up then I am royally screwed. She has been fairly reliable and will probably make it to work. I always think the worse will happen and this causes anxiety

Having to depend on others is a pain. I used to be able to walk to the bank I was fairly self sufficient and always took care of my own shit. Now I am getting a lot older and have mobility problems. I am depending a lot on other people. I’m glad I have the help but being dependent on others is not such a good thing It kind of depresses me when I think of it Oh well at least I have Kelly who will take me grocery shopping.

I could also take the social service van. But I have a great f ear of being alone in public. I will have to wait for the van driver to pick me up. I go crazy waiting for a ride up at Wal Mart. I keep thinking somebody is going to jump me or something. I do much better when somebody is with me and Kelly goes in the store with me . She can take me right home whenever I am done shopping.

I never used to be afraid to go out I used to go out every day. I used to go walking I would walk all over downtown. When I had money I would get a pass at the Millsop Center. I would work out there every day then go swimming. After my workout I would spend the rest of the day at the library which was right next door. I used to exercise a lot and I felt great. I wasn’t seeing a therapist and wasn’t on psych meds. I was down to 178 and in the best shape of my life.

Now I can’t bring myself to leave my apartment. I hate being outside. I don’t know what it is but I get so anxious sitting out there and being around other tenants,. I get anxious just thinking about being around people. in this building. I have it in my stupid head that they all hate me I can’t get pass that people hate me because I used to be a crossdressdresser.

Oh well that is life. I had a fairly good day yesterday. I was not depressed. I was a little bit anxious thinking about going out today., I did a lot of reading. I finished that one book Revolutionary Summer by Joseph J Ellis yesterday morning. After my worker left I started reading another book The Quartet: Orchestrating the Second American Revolution , 1783-1789 by Joseph J Ellis. I finished the first chapter of that book

I watched the evening news and a little bit of Jeopardy. I stayed up late to watch a little bit of America’s Got Talent. I want to stay up and watch Law and Order but I fell asleep. I slept good with no nightmares and and weird dreams.

LIfe is good. It is good to be alive