ADHD Vomit in My Fucking Feelings

All day my brain has been buzzing with random thoughts. Not sure what to do with them all, where to write them or which ones are worth saving and which ones I should just let drift away. When you are adhd it can seem important to write down and remember all of them because you are so used to forgetting things. But then you go back and read old diary entries trying to figure out why you bothered to write it all down to begin with. I’ll throw it all down in random style, like I do, and sort through it later.

The smog of deppression and not being able to breathe.

Does deppression decrease the production of oxytocin created with contact from other people?

Evaluating my menatl health in catagories: environmental, social, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Keeping my thoughts in the present through use of intelligent research and book reading.

Withdrawl from social interaction: it may stem from the desire not to hurt people with my apathy or negative moods but what effect does it have on me?

The inability to handle sensory input and the comfort of sitting alone in a room, and not being required to do anything.

Thinking about how my actions affect other people shows that my apathy is not antisocial in nature.

Stealing other people’s coping mechanisms to handle deppression and anxiety: organizing things and collecting random trivia.

My attatchment to psychopaths as a means of remaining social without feeling guilty about creating a social obligation for other people to care about me and try to make me feel better.

Physical decline as a result of deppression.

Fake it till you make it? Would it work for deppression?

Excited for school to start.

Enjoy making new connections but have a hard time assessing the apropriate social norms and whether or not I’m making people uncomfortable. Constantly having to logic out what social customs are and the effect of violting them. It shouldn’t be stressful to have friends....

The balance between care for people and self sacraficing without allowing toxic people to be a brick that drags me down. Where is the line between loving people, helping people, and enabling them to hurt me with their negativity?

How fragile am I anyway? I think I am pretty strong. I womder if others would think so too if they sae the sort of emotional shit I take on for my friends.

Being overprotective of friends without being manipulative.

Gaining control over the raising of my son and steps that need to be taken.

How easily my family jokes about mental illness being the by product of environmental raising and how they don’t realise that it is entirely true. The weight of knowing my son’s mental well being is so attatched to my own and my raising of him.

Religion as a means to positive life change and not as a crutch for dellusions and dealing with grief. Assessing the health of my belief system based on effect as well as realism.

Trying to remember the mission to help people through dark shades of sadism.

Are sexual and sadistic desires sinful if one does not act on them? Is it okay for me to be different in this way. Can sadism by okay, healthy? I certainly would rathet give it a fictional or consensual outlet than have it pour into my life causing pain where it is unwanted and complovating my life.

The freedom of giving up complications caused by sex and the emotional difficulty of living without it and feeling disconnected from people and intimacy.

It’s okay for my world to be falling apart because it means that something new and better is forming. It means that someday I’m going to look back and realise that never in my wildest dreams did I expect to experience all the amazing things that are going to happen in my life from here. I don’t care what I become and what I accomplish as long as it’s something amazing!

Loving someone means that you want them to be hapoy and have a good life even if that means their happiness doesn’t include you, but it can be very lonely to be cheering people on from the outside, wishing you were a part of their dreams.

What good things can I do for other people that will make my life fun again?