Friday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

I have been trying to figure out what I have been going through this past month. I have been grieving. I experienced a great loss over the break up. Grieving is a process. I learned this by looking up grieving and loss on a web site called Psych Central. Here are the is what PC had to say about grieving :
The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

The stages of grief and mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

Well I experienced a loss of a close relationship or at least what I thought was a very close relationship I think I was in denial at first. I remember thinking that we have had our misunderstandings in the past. We always remain friends. We always talked to each other. Eventually we got back together. I remember thinking that we would get back together this time. We would get over our latest misunderstanding and be a couple again. It has always happened before why not this time. But I guess it isn’t going to happen this time. I am over the denial stage.

I’ think I’ve been in the anger stage the lat couple of days. Yesterday I was pretty depressed and angry about the situation. I kept thinking we had something very special going on and she broke up for me for no good reason. I kept thinking why the hell should I have to change tto meet all of her needs. I can’t help it if I have no friends. I offered her my friendship. Being with her satisfied my need for a social life. Wasn’t I good enough for her. I felt a bit inadequate because I couldn’t fulfill her needs for a social life Then I felt kind of pissed off big time.

I have certainly been depressed. I think this is what I’ve been experiencing the most. I am experiencing and overwhelming sense of loss. She was my everything. She was my only friend and now I have no friends at all. Feel so god damned lonesome and depressed all the time. Some days it is worse than others but it is always with me., I do not think I will ever get over it.

This is a normal process. it isn’t anything new . There is hope. One day I might reach the acceptance stage, I might be able to get over this and live my life. But right now it doesn’t look good. I guess I just have to get to the point where I get sick and tired of being miserab;le. I got to realize this isn’t doing me any good and it is not going to bring her back. I got to learn to accept the loss and move on with my life.

My worker Kelly came today. We were talking and she was wondering if I need a change in meds. She seems to think I’ve been depressed for a long time now. She was saying I’ve been on the same meds for like forever and my body builds up an immune to them. I didn’t tell her this but I think my current bout of depression is more situational than with a chemical imbalance. I know I think I am a very lost cause. At this point I think nothing I will ever do will make things right. I will never get any better so it is pointless,. But that is depression speaking.