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A couple days ago I slept in and felt so cruddy that I ended up staying home from work. There was intermittent crying and a couple of chores were done. I texted around a bit in an attempt to “not isolate”. When John Henry came home from work I was still texting around, because if there is one incompatibility between John Henry and I it is that when I am depressed or stressed, he has literally zero clue how to handle it. He used to get so frustrated at me that he’d get angry and start yelling at me. Which is the dumbest reaction I can think of. He’s grown a bit since then to avoiding me out of fear. Really gotta send him some resources on dealing with a person with depression.

Anyway, I was upset because there was an online conversation about an alleged rapist and then popular boys coming out of the woodwork to defend the guys honor. A real fucking shit show and I read the entire thread and wanted to lay myself on a rock to get my liver pecked out. So sad and frustrating and I immediately became inarticulate. I think also it was a bit influenced by Saturday night somewhere around 3 am, after having a wonderful time tripping on shrooms where I laughed my ass off, I was challenged to explain ptsd to people and how triggering works.
It is tough! I’m also constantly forgetting that triggering seems so unreasonable, but is so very real, and that the majority of the world really does not understand it at all. Also I imagine it could be beautifully explained by someone who can, but I get all wrapped up in my own insecurities and history with it and fall miles away from eloquent.

I eventually got a hug out of John Henry on Tuesday, and we went for a walk in some beautiful weather. He bought anchovies and I bought a lot of junk sweets, and then we watched Rain Man.

The next day I was feeling pretty gross still, and I was trying to keep myself from masquerading as if I weren’t feeling icky inside. That’s the real isolation right there. I did a medium job of it. Then during a one on one meeting my closest coworker told me about how his sister has been missing for days and she had just gotten married and then just gotten out of a mental institution. I probably was really bad at talking about it, but I had him tell me a bit and talk it out, and before the meeting could start he got his call that he had to take. Hours later through email we find out that his sister had been struck by a train.
I guess I jumped to the conclusion that it was a suicide, but I guess I shouldn’t. I feel so weird and upset about it. He’s gone and I feel weird and upset for him too. He was telling me about how she had always distanced herself from family, and how it was difficult for him to feel much responsibility, how he was mad at his parents for keeping her troubles from him and the rest of his siblings.
I feel like I shouldn’t be writing his personal things on here, but he told me all this and I want to process somehow, even though I’m one of the further people to be affected. I never knew his sister! Maybe it’s the nature of her death right after having a fetus-position kind of day due to my own mental instabilities. It’s probably that.

Ending on a higher note, this is my second day in a row eating strawberries for breakfast. There’s also a guy at work that I made my in-head pretend boyfriend, and then we got put on a project together and he has become the first person to ever call me on my work phone. We have a one on one meeting later today! Wish me luck that I don’t act super weird and can get over this weird pretend thing I did in my head. I’m always doing that, it’s the worst. Wish he was married so it could be less awkward. I should only in-head pretend date married men from now on. Last high note is that it seems there was a spider on my desk, that left a thread from my desk lamp to my monitor, and then jumped off to where ever the lil ze is now. I hope they’re alright.

Last updated July 27, 2017