Thursday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

I am no doing very well this morning. I feel kind of depressed, I’ve been thinking about some things that are not doing me any good. I think I’m kind of angry. I don’t know what i’‘m mad about but I feel kind of pissed. I think seeing Chocolatechip yesterday triggered something. and it has been festering in my mind ever since. I don’t know I can’t put a finger on it but I feel kind of pissed and hurt at the same time.

All I know is that I was very good to her. I oved her with my hart an esoul. I am far from perfecty but I did love hre. I did my best to her and then she dumps me., She dumps me because she claims that I never talk to her. But I did talk to her. I carried on conversations with her. I listened to her problems. I offered feedback. I did my freaking best and I feel now it was not good enough. Anyway she dump me for no good reason other than I am a man of few words.

I cannot help being what I am. I have always had a hard time in social situations. I have always had a hard time getting along with people and making friends But I tried to be her friend,. I tried to I always said what would you rather have somebody who bullshits you all the time or somebody you can depend on. I wanted to be somebody she could always count on no mater what. I guess that was not good enough. She wanted more than what I am capable of giving . Anyways thinking like that really hurts. I did my best and it was not good enough.

I am very pissed. I am pissed at myself pissed at her. I feel betrayed. She dumps me because she claims we do not talk and have no friends. Can I help it if I don’t have any gd friends? Can I help it if we live in the building where people are a bunch of assholes in the first place. I keep thinking I am 66 years old. If I don’t have any friends now I never will. But I tried my best to be her friend. I really tried harder with her than with anyone else. I don’t know All I know is that I loved her but I was not good enough., I failed.

Thinking like that pisses me off. I don’t think i’m mad at anyone,. I’m just angry at the situation. I’m angry because when I saw her yesterday I was nice to her I talked with her. She wanted to come up and use the computer. I said sure. She didn’t want to walk up wit h me The more I think about it the more I am thinking she didn’t want people to see us together and going to my apartment. I don’t know. It was like I was nice to her letting her use my computer but she was ashamed to be seen with me. Anyways that’s what I thought and that sort of pissed me off big time.

I don’t like being angry. I feel frustrated because I don’t know what to do with this anger,. I will probably go into a big bout with depression. After all negative thoughts produces negative emotions. But these are what I am thinking now and I do not know how to eliminate the thoughts, They are so strong

Gees this is the shits.