Always Something There to Remind Me in My Fucking Feelings

What did he do to me? He tried to help, but did he help? Or did he make it worse? All the things he used to remind me of you, now they do. But what about the rest? Was it for my benefit or for his? Surely God has the answers, but have I finally learned to listen? I feel so weak right now.

I just want one night to talk to you. One night to say all the unsaid things. But maybe what he taught me was true: one night will never be enough and there will always be things left to say.

It feels like doomsday. The final hour of suffering. I know that God has plans for me. I hold on tight. But I am still so afraid. So traumatised by you. By me. By the whole thing. I’d give alot for just one night. Leah bought a night with Jacob for the price of some mandrakes. I don’t think that would work for me. Nor would I be okay with the immorality that is implied. That’s not what I want one night for, but who knows, maybe it wasn’t why Leah wanted a night either.

I need to find a solution I can live with. Maybe I’m not reajus Maybe I should go to Kansas.

My secrets… What if you knew that almost everytime I made fun of you I was flirting and when your friends compliment you they are being sarcastic. What if you knew what I went through. What if you knew how I felt. What if you knew what losing you has done to me? What if you knew the significance of this secret:

I only said goodbye to you.

Someday, God willing, I will figure out the answers. It is hard to see in the dark. And it is cold. But at least I have a light this time. It all juat feels like the pieces are crumbling and burning. Surely this can’t go on forever, right? Maybe I just can’t handle the answers right now.