Something's Gotta Give in My Fucking Feelings

My deppression is getting worse. I’m starting to feel sad and apathetic. Nothing can take my mind off things. I’ve made feeble attempts to reach out to friends, but as always, the ones I want to be around are the ones who don’t care about me. So I am ignored or puahed aside. I know there are people I could call that would be there for me, but they wouldn’t be able to cheer me up. Kinda wanting to lose myself in Netflix but of course I don’t have a computer that can run it or an account. It’s not usual behavior for me to watch tv. It’s not engaging enough for my spastic mind. But today… I just want to do something mindless. Or play video games. Can’t do that either. I constantly am needing an escape I can’t find.

My son’s birthday is coming up. Time is moving too fast. It’s like he’s growing up without me while I try to sort myself out. It’s not okay. This is an important time for me to be there with him. I hope I get things straightened out soon so we can spend more time together. I wish he had a dad around. It may be mean to say this, but I wish he had a better dad. A stronger one. His fatger seems like as much of a child as he is. But who am I to talk right?

Keep thinking about this boy from middle school. He used to pray with me. When I figure out hia name I will have to look him up and tell him I made my way back home to Jesus. He was worried when I fell away. I wonder if he’ll remember me or even care at all. He tried to get me to date J. Too bad J never asked me out…

I need to find a way to think of other things. I need someone to swoop in and occupy my mind as thoroughly as he did. My friend Damian was always good at that, but I don’t want to bother him either. I don’t know but something’s gotta give.