Sunday Morning in New Diary

I am up and in one piece. I am thankful for that. I have a lot of things to be grateful for . 1 1 have a nice apartment. 2 I have money for meds. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I have a worker that comes in and cleans my apartment. 6 I am in fairly good health. 7 I have phone internet and cable tv. 8 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways. 9 I have plenty of books to read. 10 I have an SSI and Social Security check. Life is pretty good and I have no reason to be depressed or anxious.

I was up at 5 this morning. I didn’t want to get moving. I laid on the couch for a couple hours. I got moving around 7. I had my morning coffee and still feel kind of sluggish. Oh well it isn’t like I have to go anyplace or do anything today. I am faced with another day of splendid isolation.

I don’t get lonesome too much anymore. When Chocolatechip first broke up with me I felt really bad. I felt like it was the end of the world. I don’t feel like that anymore. I still miss her very much.. I will love her and I don’t think I will ever get over the breakup. But live goes on and I got to move on with my life. At one point there was a time when I didn’t want to go on anymore. But I got through that and I decided to live my life. I will live it alones but that is my choice. I will survive.

Everyone is getting on me about staying in my apartment too much and not socializing. My case manager has been pushing Day Treatment on me. My worker Kelly agrees with her. They both try to tell me that being alone all the time is not healthy. They keep telling me I need to be around people But I think I am doing fine, I think I really do not need a lot of interaction with people. I have my moments when I get depressed and feeling lonesome but for the most part I think I am doing fine.

I like being alone. I have always said I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I get used and hurt. I think back in my younger days when I tried to make friends. I was rejected then. I worked for a place for ten years. I tried to get along with people at work and all they did was use me and make fun of me. When I was married I tried to get along with my in-laws and all they did was treat me like shit. I never was good at making and keeping friends and when I tried I only ended up getting hurt .

I was thinking yesterday I am tired of being hurt by people. I would rather be alone than go through that shit again only to be laughed at and be rejected. It just hurt too much and I do not want to go through that again,. Hell wit hit.

No, I think I am doing fine by myself. I will survive. Life is good.