Voice w.edit in Random Thoughts

I am going to attempt a voice text here. I seem to have broken my Wi-Fi.

I am so, so sad. Feel heartbroken, heavy weights.

I’m not sure why. It’s always been very very difficult for me when other people are hurt and I am involved. Like, it shouldn’t hurt a person this much. Guess I have always been incredibly sensitive.

I haven’t even told the story yet. Might be too difficult for a voice entry.

Date number one: lunch in a graveyard.
Date number two: A walk in the park
Date number three: Dinner at my house

I was reserved, and that’s not normally who I am. I think I was a little concerned, sometimes I can tell if I am or maybe my lifestyle is a little too much. Sometimes I can tell when I am the flame and the other person is the moth. I don’t want that to sound weird, but I know I have a charisma. Sometimes I can tell if someone might get hurt.

He is a kind, loving, thoughtful, gentle man. Our philosophical and spiritual beliefs are very aligned. We are cut from the same cloth. I feel like if I had a traditional upbringing and a more traditional view on how to be in the world, he would be perfect for me.

I feel like I’m rambling. from his most recent email:

“Me too…fucking broken faucet over here. Can’t believe how moved I am.
We shared something beyond this world, I know you felt it too without a doubt. Never forget that I care about you for who you really are, and not your body. Maybe that is meaningful? I don’t know. You have touched me so deeply.”

My internet is back so i can type, which is much easier.

I had a thought: What if this had ended after a few dates and i didn’t hear how hurt he was, would i feel this sad? If i didn’t feel as if i had a part in someone’s being so affected, so many tears, would i feel as if i were missing out on something?

Because that is what i am trying to parse out… why am i so hurt? why am i so sad? why do i have tears? Am i recognizing that i am missing out on something special? But, how would i know that, after three dates, very innocent dates.

This seems like a trigger of some sort. I mean, i can usually figure out whats going on any why when it comes to my emotions. This reaction is so intense and so much like the way i used to respond emotionally, the darkness and hurt i used to have all the time… that it just sends red flags. This is something i need to explore.

I didn’t tell you all this, because i haven’t been writing much, but in meditation last week i realized something about myself.

I love to be love-ing. I revel in it, i am a conduit for it. I struggle being love-ed. This particular experience plays into that self-understanding. Some people i am open to being loved by, but some situations i fear.

One year ago today i got the keys to my home. Happenstance, i set up a game and food afternoon/evening with friends. It was the first time i’d had a group of people over, i never had a housewarming party. I had a nice time. Clay, a guy i;ve had a couple dates with and lots of fun texting, came. He was super nice and got along well with my brother and friends. I am not sure i am feeling it, but with the confusion and hurt, i’m not sure im even in a place to know.

I was texting a little with Ian yesterday and it reminds me that no one i am dating is Ian. I miss him. I am not over him. I am not sure i should even be dating. I think its about time to retire okc for a while.

Last updated July 23, 2017