Wandering Thoughts in My Fucking Feelings

Another sleepless night. Maybe God’s trying to talk to me. That’s what my mom said. She said if you can’t sleep it means God is trying to talk to you. Maybe I’m just no good at listening. My mind is filled with the same painful memories as always.

And Chester’s dead. Suicide.

I don’t even.... Know what to say.... I never thought that would happen. It’s painful. How many people did he help with his music and yet…

And I can’t help thinking about the music that helps me. And the boy who sings it. And how terrified I am of losing him like that. How I almost did. May as well have. And everything always comes back to that now. My brain can’t seem to heal. I’m sure that’s why I has amnesia in the firat place. But now it’s too late....

(too late)

I remember his sister knew I was suicidal and didn’t give a fuck. How one day she even said it’d be better that way. If I was gone. Then her brother could move on to someone that actually deserved him. Like Allison… Poor girl. She’s always been there. She’s always been shoved aside.

All the little things that boy did that kept me around and he never knew it. I hope that I can be that for someone. But maybe I’ll never know it. Anyway, it’s a double edged sword. He also did so much to make me miserable… And he never even knew it. Sometimes I wonder how he could possibly be so dense, but then again maybe I’m just hard to read.

I look back and can’t help but to think we stayed even all the while. There’s no score left to settle anyway. Everything I did to you, you had done or would do to me eventually. It’s all been done now. If there’s any score left, let God settle it. Like we should have in the first place.

Remember how your dad said communication is the key to a successful relationship? I guess we both suck at that. I suck at talking and you suck at listening. Overall, I’d say we both suck in general.

But I miss you.
I miss trying to talk to you.
And everything hurts so bad.
I give up.
I’m gonna get me some pills and hope they take the edge off.
Something has to.
And I can’t talk to you about this can I?
Can’t talk to you about anything.
I need to.
Badly.
But I never knew how to talk to you anyway.
I never had to.
You talked to me.
Whether I liked it or not!

She said… (it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick!)

Sometimes I wonder about that girl…

Doesn’t matter.
It’s all in the past.
And as long as she’s there playing gatekeeper and couseler and translator we would never be able to talk honestly anyway. But sometimes I wonder… How much of it was her? How much did she fuck up things for us that I didn’t see?

Control freak much?
Maybe she was always what was wrong with you.
Maybe I just need someone to blame.
I’m so bitter.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad that I don’t even know how to describe it anymore.
All the what ifs and all the whys. None of them will ever be answered.

Maybe I should go to school in Kansas. After I get my Associates. I’m too close to transfer now.

God guide me, please, help me through the storm. I’m sorry that I’m so stubborn. Please have mercy and understand. I just don’t know how to live without him amd be happy right now. Maybe I’ll get over it. At least he’s not stalking me anymore, but the sick thing is… I kind of miss it. Parts of it anyway. I miss someone finding my life worthy of tracking and noting, even if it was all to hurt me. I just miss knowing he was there somewhere.

And in my dreams I looked into your eyes and I saw home. I looked into those beautiful eyes and I was safe. Should have let you kiss me. So many should haves, would haves. So many what ifs. All pointless.

My pastor said be careful. There are men out there that like to hurt girls. I know that all too well don’t I?

Some of my friends call me Harley.

A million things to say but its all the same.

I miss you J.