Thursday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

It is 8am. I don’t know what hit me this morning. I feel so down right now. I was doing fine when I first work up. Depression is back with a vengeance. That is how things work I guess. I can be going on an even keel and all of a sudden my mood changes. Everything seems so dark so miserable. I don’ understand why I get like this because I have no real reason to be depressed, Then I have had depression all of my life. I am used to these dark moods.

Now that I think about it I know why I got depressed. I was thinking negative thoughts. I was just sitting here in front of the computer like I always do. I got to thinking about how everyone hates me. I got to thinking about how I must be a miserable piece of shit. Paranoia was hitting me a little bit as well. All of these thoughts came at me all at once like. Got me very down real fast.

Also started to think about my finances for next month. Once again I will start out the month broke. I was checking my credit card balance. I owe $306 some something and I have one more med to get. I thin this med cost about $7 which will bring my bill up to $310. Been going over my budget next month and it doesn’t look to promising.

I am sitting here thinking why in the hell did I buy all those damned books. Going over my credit card transactions. I bought a total of 7 books. I spent $56.78. This was more needless charges on my credit card., I am asking myself why did I do this? I was not going to use the card at all this month. I can kick myself in the ass This spending spree was totally irresponsible and reckless Why am I don’t this to myself. Why in the hell did I ever get a credit card in the first place. That was the dumbest thing I ever did in my life.

I will pay it all off on the 3rd. Then I will be broke again. I will only end up using the damned credit card again. I will end up piling on another big credit card bill. I am in a viisou8 cycle and I can’t seem to get out of it. Jesus I feel so stupid. Really kicking myself in the ass

Anyways I was thinking about budgets for next month. That got me very down this morning. I can remember when check day used to be fun. Chocolatechip and I used to go out on day. We would go shopping then go to our favorite restaurant. Sometimes we would order pizza from Papa John. I always looked forward to going out with her when the first came around. Now it is exchange day. I use all my check to pay off the damned credit card

Jesus I am stupid. I am very, very stupid