Intended Sisters in 2017

A surprise catch by our photographer, this picture still makes me stop in my tracks each time I see it. It’s one of the only photos I’ll ever have of my girls together. The girls that I imagined would giggle together and grow into best friends.

I remember looking for coordinating sister outfits, and never quite finding what I was hoping for. I filled online shopping carts only to close the window without buying. Like a few other instances during my pregnancy, I wonder if my subconscious somehow knew Ivy wouldn’t stay with us long.

I remember the night we drove home from the hospital, 2 and a half days after Ivy was born still. I remember talking to my oldest daughter and dodging her direct questions “is ivy in the car with you?!” She was already a big sister to her brother (2), but she was so so excited for a baby sister. Ivy wasnt with us, but I couldnt tell her that over the phone.
We got home and read some child appropriate books on losing a baby sibling. I answered questions and gently encouraged her to always ask if she had anything she wanted to talk about concerning what happened to Ivy. She asked quite a bit initially, and then seemed to go into a period of being kind of uncomfortable about the topic.

This picture was taken in the midst of that time period. That was 2 months ago.

Today, we have an Ivy Bear and she is insistent on taking turns sleeping with the bear. A reassurance that she is grieving just fine. I wonder how a loss like ours will affect my living children when they are grown.

But for now....I need to stay in the moment.